My seventh essay, I will appreciate any suggestion and revise. Thanks very much

English as a Second Language Preparation for and help with the TOEFL® Test and
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Hello, Luschen

Thanks very much for your revises, I appreciate you so much,
I can’t find better word to thank you but anyway thanks you again form the bottom of my heart for revising so many essay for me.

This is my new essay, I randomly pick the subject. I hope this essay is better than previous one. As always you can correct any of my word when I comment. It is very helpful for me.

Now I think I have a problem for using comma,semicolon and period appropriately. Usually, I have used only comma and period. But after you revise my essay to use semicolon in some point, I start to learn how to use it from many website, however, I think I was using it by instinct. So It would be great if you can tell me how well I used on this essay.

In some countries, teenagers have jobs while they are still students. Do you think this is a good idea? Support your opinion by using specific reasons and details.

Teenagers are adults in the future, any success in a life requires experience from doing{is the word “practical part” more suitable than “doing” here?}. Being an apprentice and having a job can bring worthy experience and knowledge for students. In our world, the one{can “the one” be plural? should I have to add “s” ?} who start to learn something first are advantageous; the opposite are disadvantageous because everything takes time for being expert. Moreover, there are many benefits come from having a job while they are still students. In my opinion, it is an excellent strategy to have a job as quickly as they can.

First of all, being an apprentice since they are students; it just like they start to run before the other or in other word, they are close to their goal than the other. Because they can learn many essential skills while they become an apprentice; allowing them to collect helpful knowledge from the actual circumstance, In addition, they can apply this experience to their class. All of these make the students be more accustomed to their career; the most important part is student can know exactly what they want to be in the future. Taking a job before being graduated would make the student choose their career in the future more appropriately whereas the other make the wrong decision in choosing career. This problem would never happen if they have an occasion to try their interesting job before.

More advantages, it is absolutely certain that during the students work their job, they would achieve their reward. For the student who are not rich; this income can diminish burden in their family. Furthermore, the students have more opportunity to buy good materials for studying as well as other equipment. Or the students can also choose to keep their money for the future; It would be sad if they have a project after they are graduated but lacking fund to invent, however, this problem can be simply solved if they took a job when they were students.

In conclusion, regardless of county they live, It is better for student to have a job. There are many benefit such as experience which cannot find from somewhere else including fund for the future. There is no drawback from doing a job, there are only benefits. Not only The students have benefits but also their country have more worker, how can our country advance if nobody do a work. To be honest, I’m going to find some jobs after I finish this essay too. So what are students waiting for?

TOEFL listening discussions: What started this conversation?

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Ha, great ending - I can tell you are very creative. Another great essay, but still a lot of small grammar, verb conjugation, and punctuation errors. You also have some poor word choices again which interfere with your clarity and sense of fluency. Overall, I would rate this a 3.5 out of 5. It is hard to make it to the 4 level until you can reduce those mistakes.

quote=“Waltz”]Hello, Luschen

Thanks very much for your revis[ions], I appreciate you so much,
I can’t find better word to thank you but anyway thanks you again form the bottom of my heart for revising so many essay for me.

This is my new essay, I randomly pick[ed] the subject. I hope this essay is better than [my] previous one. As always you can correct any of my word[s ] when I comment. It is very helpful for me.

Now I think I have a problem for[in] using comma,semicolon and period appropriately. Usually, I have used only comma and period. But after you revise my essay to use semicolon in some point, I start to learn how to use it from many website, however, I think I was using it by instinct. So It would be great if you can tell me how well I used on this essay.

OK, semicolons are pretty simple - you mainly use them instead of a period when two sentences are very closely related to each other. If in doubt, you can always just use a period. It will still be correct, but maybe not as elegant.

In some countries, teenagers have jobs while they are still students. Do you think this is a good idea? Support your opinion by using specific reasons and details.

Teenagers are[will be] adults in the future, {this is where you need a period or a semicolon - these are two complete sentences} any success in a life requires experience from doing{is the word “practical part” more suitable than “doing” here?} {yes, I would say “requires practical experience”}. Being an apprentice and having a job can bring worthy experience and knowledge for[to] students. In our world, the one{can “the one” be plural? should I have to add “s” ?}{the one is singular, the ones is plural - use “the ones” or better, “those” here} who start to learn something first [have the advantage]are advantageous; the opposite are disadvantageous [handicapped] because everything takes time for being[to become an] expert. Moreover, there are many benefits [that] come from having a job while they are still students. In my opinion, it is an excellent strategy to have a job as quickly as they can.

First of all, being an apprentice since they are students; {you can’t use a semicolon here, because the words in front of the semicolon are not a complete sentence} it just like they start to run before the other or in other word, they are close to their goal than the other. {this sounds awkward, try “First of all, becoming an apprentice while still a student is like starting to run before the others; one will be that much closer to his goal.” notice that the semicolon connects two sentences - I could have used a period, but the sentences are very closely related} Because they can learn many essential skills while they become[are] an apprentice; allowing {once again, the phrase beginning with “because” is not a complete sentence - most phrases beginning with because are not sentences - say “…apprentice, this allows …”} them to collect helpful knowledge from the actual circumstance,{period} In addition, they can apply this experience to their class. All of these make the students be more accustomed to their career; the most important part is student[s ] can know exactly what they want to be in the future. Taking a job before being graduated[graduating] would make{“allow” sounds better here} the student {“to” if you use allow} choose their career in the future more appropriately whereas the other[s might] make the wrong decision in choosing [their] career[s ]. This problem would never happen if they have an occasion to try their interesting job before{“beforehand” sounds better}.

More advantages,{"A final advantage is that] it is absolutely certain that{“absolutely certain” seems odd here} during the [time] students work their job, they would [receive a valuable paycheck]achieve their reward{“reward” is usually something beyond what you would normally receive}. For the student[s ] who are not rich; this income can diminish [the] burden in their family. Furthermore, the students have more opportunity to buy good materials for studying as well as other equipment. Or the students can also choose to keep their money for the future; It would be sad if they have a project after they are graduated but lacking fund[s ] to invent,{here is where you use the semicolon - two closely related sentences} however, this problem can be simply solved if they took a job when they were students.

In conclusion, regardless of county{I think you mean “country”} [where] they live, It is better for student to have a job. There are many benefit such as experience which cannot find[be found] from somewhere else including[and] fund[s ] for the future. There is no drawback from doing a job, there are only benefits.{what about loss of time for homework and social life?} Not only [do] The {no caps} students have benefits but also their country ha[s ] more worker[s ], {semicolon} how can our country advance if nobody do[es any] work.{question mark} To be honest, I’m going to find some jobs [too] after I finish this essay too. So what are students waiting for?

TOEFL listening discussions: What started this conversation?
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Thanks for your revise. I really appreciate it.

I am starting to be discourage; it is really hard like you have said. {do I use correct semicolons?:)}

At the first place, I intended to take an toefl exam on 15th in this month but now I have postponed it to the end of the month because 15th is the festival days in my country (Thailand songkran days) It’s good that I have more time for practicing but It’s very close to my deadline so It might be that I just have only one try before the deadline.

For this essay, like you said, there are many disadvantages from doing job. I also can think about disadvantages on other essays when I have to support my idea by state out the advantages . But I dont know what should I do so I just ignore it and said “there is no drawback” does it reduces my score? shouldn’t I say “there is no drawback”? or it is better to avoid the reality. I’m sorry if you can not understand my question, it is hard for me to make the clearer sentence.

and in sentence “being an apprentice since they are students;” I have to use comma instead of semicolons right?

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