My new essay. Preparation for the test.

Today I practiced my skills for writing independent task. Please, help me by grading and giving feedback. Here is the task:

Which would you choose: a high-paying job with long hours that would
give you little time with family and friends or a lower-paying job with
shorter hours that would give you more time with family and friends?
Explain your choice, using specific reasons and details.

My response:

Nowadays each and every individual has to decide how to earn money to survive. In the commonwealth countries as well as in a majority of the third countries, an individual is provided an opportunity to work. Everyone who faces the need of going to work should decide what type of job to choose in order to satisfy her needs. To my mind, a person who wants to be happy and successful both in her personal and professional life must choose a job that allows her to spend much time with her family.

Although a job with shorter hours gives less incentives compared to a job with long hours, time that one spends with her family makes her happier. It goes without saying that positive emotions evoked by conjoint family activities give an inspiration and motivation to keep on living and addressing problems with courage. Moreover, one who spends more time at home can find new interests or hobby. This is very important if one wants to enrich her life with new experience; traveling, doing sports, exploring new fields of studies and many other activities bring novelty to one’s life. Thus, a short hours job can be a good option for someone who strives to live happily and make her life diverse.

On the other hand, one who chose low paid job can not afford herself what she or her family members might want or need. For instance, if there are children in the family, they need a school uniform and accessories; old members of the family might need medicines and healthcare services. In addition to that, in some cases a well-paid long hours job can be a very interesting requiring to travel a lot and be on the cutting edge of the specific industry.

In spite of the cons of a low paid job, I would definitely choose a job which gives me an opportunity to spend more time with my friends and family. Having much money and being professional does not provide the most important and main aspect of the life - harmony in the relationships. Besides, united family members can help each other, thus, enhance both the relationships and the wealth of every member of the family.

In summary, people are free to opt the life they want to live. Family and friends are the most important people in our life. Only they stay with us until the end. Because of this, I think that it is of the greatest importance to be with them as much as one can afford.

TOEFL listening lectures: What does the professor say about utopian socialists?

Hi, I really enjoyed your essay. It was very persuasive and you had some excellent examples. Your overall structure was very effective. Your writing sounded quite natural for the most part, but there were some lapses here and there resulting in a few awkward phrases. You also had some minor grammatical errors. This is close to a 4.5, but a few too many errors, so I would rate it a 4 out of 5 - maybe I am getting tougher in my ratings :slight_smile:


It seems to me that I have to use more complex vocabulary, but the topic is so general that I could not think of any appropriate words for it.

Here are some words I think you might have been able to include: livelihood, necessities, renumeration, pastimes, experiential, opulent, ascetic, onerous, allocate, prioritize, familial, fundamental, indispensable.