My friend's IELTS essay, please chck and rate it,thank you!

The topic is “There are many extinct animals’ species in the world nowadays. Some people say we should protect these animals from dying out, while others say we should concentrate more on problems of human beings. Discuss both opinions and give your personal view.”

The past century witnessed a worldwide escalation in both economy and citizens’ living standards. Conversely, it comes at a cost of natural habitat of fauna. It is reported that the extinction of at least 500 species of animals has been caused by man, most of them in recent 100 years. Currently, there is pressing calling for tackling problems of human beings as well as conserving species of extinct animals.

Considering the issue, a handful of people make a strong case for the view that preserving endangered animals is the first imperative. Since animals play a significant role in maintaining ecological balance, their value is of utter importance. According to the latest report published by National Geographic, today there are about 5,000 endangered animals and at least one species dies out every year. The number of animals on the verge of extinction is also rapidly growing, which is supposed to trigger deterioration of ecosystem in the near future.

On the contrary, it has aroused strong objections from others who claim that coping with problems of mankind is conducive for protecting animals. The point on the top of their list for their propensity is that government should enact laws and regulations to inform folks that human and animals should be treated equally. As a matter of fact, many people’s awareness of preserving animals is so weak that morality is hard to stop their behavior of hunting animals for food or clothes. Setting up laws contributes to raising people’s awareness of their mistakes and mistreatment on animals. Apart from this, optimizing natural surrounding where animals live is a must. It is generally accepted that environment contamination is the vital leading factor for endangered animals’ species, as these creatures are unable to survive in polluted territories. Taking loggerhead turtle as an illustration, this reptile lived in the Mediterranean Sea. However, it has been seriously threatened, for human activities degraded the quality of water over the past decade.

As outlined above, concentrating more on carrying out well-established laws and protecting the natural environment will prove to be effective to conserve threatened animals.

TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation between two university students who met on campus

Hi, I thought this essay was very good. Your structure is correct and your explanations are pretty clear. Your second body paragraph did not really address the prompt that well. Here you should have said why we should concentrate on humans’ problems more than on those of animals. But instead you still focussed on animals, somehow saying that solving human problems will also help animals, but how this would occur was not clear and thus not convincing. Your writing quality deserves a 4.5 or maybe even a 5, but with this skirting around half of the prompt is a big problem, so I can only rate this a 4 out of 5. Edited - actually, after looking at the prompt again and your essay, I don’t think you really have the correct structure after all. For this type of prompt you need to present both sides of the argument, and then give your personal opinion. You didn’t really do this, or if you did it wasn’t very clear.