Many small, local shops are closing as they are unable to compete with large supermarkets in the area. How does this effect local communities? How could this situation be improved?

[Joebet_Lacierda_Muti]

It’s 1:28 am in my country but still i needed to practice.

if you may can you help me evaluate my essay, please.

“Many small, local shops are closing as they are unable to compete with large supermarkets in the area. How does this effect local communities? How could this situation be improved?”

It is often said that big supermarkets are the cause why local small stores are diminishing. This essay will vividly enlist a few effects of this trend to local communities, following some solution to improve this condition.

More people will tend to patronize supermarkets for its low prizes. Large stores have direct contact with the product supplier which gives them the luxury to lower the prices of all their goods. For example, baby diapers which are widely used by newborn babies up-to toddlers are $1 cheaper than local shops. Moreover, big stores offer perks like occasional sales, sudden item price drop and shopping cards. Lastly, large stores offer shoppers almost all they would need, unlike small shops. For instance, cooking “Kare Kare” requires a lot of ingredients such as peanut butter, kare powder, fresh meat and green leafy vegetables which local stores obviously don’t have.

Although the aforementioned facts single-handedly elevates large supermarkets interest, there are certain methods to mitigate this. First perhaps the most effective way is adaptation. Local stores must offer competitive prices against their competitors, innovate and counter supermarkets perks like offering Cash on delivery or even go worldwide by offering online shopping. Another significant method is to sell unique items. Supermarkets offer almost all the customer needs, but that advantage also accompanied by demerits. Large stores are tightly coupled to the product and rules of the company, thus local stores can use this loophole to market bazaar items like chicha super worm, local pure honey and lambanog taken fresh from the coconut tree.

To conclude, while large supermarkets tend to benefit the local community, it is also clear that it crushes local shops down to bankruptcy. In my opinion, small shops must adapt to this current market status and formulate a strategic plan to improve their business and make it on par with large supermarkets.

[Luschen]

Hi Joebet, I think your writing here is an improvement from your first two essays. Although there were a few troublesome sentences and phrases, this one was much easier to read and your specific examples were very clear. Unfortunately, your essay only addresses half the prompt. Your introduction and conclusion are correct in saying that you will talk about / talked about how large supermarkets replacing small shops affects the local neighborhood, but you have not written anything about this in your actual body paragraphs. The prompt does not want to know how this has taken place, it is only concerned with the effects and how these effects can be reduced or worked around. It is very important to always address the prompt directly, as a mistake like this would get an extremely low TA score, which would reduce your final band. Here are some other suggestions:

@Joebet_Lacierda_Muti

It is often said that big supermarkets are the cause [reason] why local small stores are diminishing. {the general pattern is “is the reason why -independent clause-” or "is the cause of -noun phrase- " so maybe “the cause of the decline of local small stores”} This essay will vividly enlist {“enlist” is wrong - it does not mean to list - try “portray”} a few effects of this trend [on] local communities, [followed with] some [solutions] to improve this condition.

More people will tend to patronize supermarkets for [their] low prizes. {your topic sentence should begin with the main idea of the paragraph - that this has certain effects on local communities. The paragraph is not supposed to be about the reasons for supermarkets’ success} Large stores have direct contact with the product [suppliers,] which gives them the luxury to lower the prices of all their goods. For example, baby diapers which are widely used by newborn babies up-to toddlers are [a dollar] cheaper than [at] local shops. Moreover, big stores offer perks like occasional sales, sudden item price [drops on certain items] and shopping [loyalty] cards. Lastly, large stores offer shoppers almost all they would need, unlike small shops. For instance, cooking “Kare Kare” requires a lot of ingredients such as peanut butter, kare powder, fresh meat and green leafy vegetables[,] which local stores obviously don’t have. {this is not really that obvious to me. It seems like local stores would have a better idea of the local foods and customs and might be better positioned to meet those specific needs}

Although the aforementioned facts single-handedly [elevate] large supermarkets[‘] [interests], {this sounds odd and unclear - what exactly does elevating the supermarkets’ interests mean? I guess you mean it gives them an advantage?} there are certain methods to mitigate this. First perhaps the most effective way is adaptation. Local stores must offer competitive prices against their competitors, innovate and counter supermarkets['] perks like offering [cash] on delivery [terms] {maybe you mean adding credit payment terms? Cash on delivery sounds odd anyway for a supermarket - there is usually no delivery involved} or even go worldwide by offering online shopping. Another significant method is to sell unique items. Supermarkets offer [items that satisfy] almost all the customer needs, but that advantage [is] also accompanied by demerits.{“demerits” does not really sound natural here} Large stores are tightly coupled to the [products] and rules of the company, thus local stores can use this loophole to market [bazaar-style] {I am not sure what you meant by bazaar. Did you mean bizarre? If so, that has a negative connotation and so is not the best} items like chicha super worm, local pure honey and lambanog taken fresh from the coconut tree.

To conclude, while large supermarkets tend to benefit the local community, {this is the only part of your essay that addressed the first part of the prompt. If this is what you believe, your first body paragraph should have elaborated on what these benefits are} it is also clear that it crushes local shops [to the point of] down to bankruptcy. In my opinion, small shops must adapt to this current market status and formulate a strategic plan to improve their business and make it on par with large supermarkets.

[Joebet_Lacierda_Muti]

HI Luschen,

Glad to know that im already improving. i had gathered some sort of template / guideline on how to create an essay, which gradually helps me a lot.

i also stopped on browsing thesaurus and just resort to use my own words.

thank you for spending time on this.

Joebet

[Torsten]

I think the entire traditional retail sales industry is facing massive disruption from companies like Alibaba and Amazon whose technologies and growth strategies will cause lots of casualties. Think of Toys R Us for example. Amazon Go alone is putting immense pressure on convenience chain stores like Seven Eleven.