Life today is easier and more comfortable than past

[Ati65]

Dear Luschen;
Hi; could you please give your precious time to evaluate the following essay? I appreciate in advance. Thanks :).

Life today is easier and more comfortable that it was when your grandparents were children.

There is no doubt that today’s life is easier and more convenient than past. By entering and blooming technology, the life’s style of people has improved remarkably. At present, people have access to many resources better than past, and they can get in touch easier than before.
On the one hand, technology has had a profound positive effect on the people’s lives. Technology is extending and it has significantly changed different aspects of life. As a matter of fact, at present technology has made houses cozier and more comfortable. Consequently, it causes people feel better and it gives people a more positive view of living. For instance, the family of my grandparent used charcoal to make their houses warm, but it was not so effective in harsh winter, besides it produced soot and made their houses seemed ugly. In contrast, nowadays many people are benefiting from clean and convenient gas distribution system in their houses and they experience warm and peaceful winters in their houses. As a result, obviously, life is easier and more comfortable at present than it was when our grandparents were children.
On the other hand, establishing the communication ways and improving the transportation system, as other benefits of flourishing technology, have facilitated life. These advantages help people to get in touch easier than before. For instance, when my grandmother was so young she has to take a long journey with her family to meet her married sister in the next town by carriage, but now she gets there just in less than one hour by airplane. In sum, life is easier and more pleasant at present than it was several decades ago.
In conclusion, Taking all the details and reasons into account, I would like to stress that, though technology has been accompanied with different disadvantages like air and water pollution, but it has considerable beneficial advantages on the people’s lives and, on this line, it has made life easier and more comfortable.

A million thanks;

TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation between two university students (2)

[Luschen]

Hi Ati, I thought your essay was pretty good, but your thesis statement seemed a little weak. You have some good examples to support your arguments, but there was a lot of repetition in your words and phrases and some of your sentences did not sound very natural. I am trying to grade these essays a little more strictly, so before I might have given this a 4 out of 5, but now I think I can only rate it a 3.5

@Ati65

Dear Luschen;
Hi; could you please give your precious time to evaluate the following essay? I appreciate in advance. Thanks :).

Life today is easier and more comfortable that it was when your grandparents were children.

There is no doubt that today’s life is easier and more convenient than [in the] past. By entering and blooming technology,{this sounds odd and confusing - I guess you mean “Through the entrance and blossoming of technology, the …”} the life’s style [lifestyles] of people has improved remarkably. At present, people have [better] access to many [more] resources better than [in the] past, and they can get in touch easier than before.{is this the thesis statement? It doesn’t seem to address the prompt explicitly enough and it could be a lot stronger}
On the one hand, technology has had a profound positive effect on the people’s lives. Technology is extending and it has significantly changed different aspects of life. As a matter of fact, at present technology has made houses cozier and more comfortable. Consequently, it causes people [to] feel better and it gives people a more positive view of living.{“view of life” is better} For instance, the family of my grandparent[s’ family] used charcoal to make their houses warm, but it was not so effective in harsh winter [weather], besides it produced soot and made their houses seemed ugly. In contrast, nowadays many people are benefiting from clean and convenient gas distribution system[s ] in their houses and they experience warm and peaceful winters in their houses.{“in their houses” sounds repetitive here} As a result, obviously, life is easier and more comfortable at present than it was when our grandparents were children.
On the other hand,{this is not the best transition, as you are talking about a related point, not a contrasting point} establishing the [ways of] communication ways and improving the transportation system, as other benefits of flourishing technology, have facilitated life.{“facilitated life” sounds odd} These advantages help people to get in touch easier than before. For instance, when my grandmother was so[very] young she ha[d ] to take a long journey [by carriage] with her family to meet her married sister in the next town by carriage, but now she gets there just in less than one hour by airplane. In sum, life is easier and more pleasant at present than it was several decades ago.
In conclusion, [ t]aking all the details and reasons into account, I would like to stress that, though technology has been accompanied with different disadvantages like air and water pollution, but {don’t use both “though” and “but” together} it has considerable beneficial advantages on the people’s lives and, on this line,{“on this line” sounds odd} it has made life easier and more comfortable.

A million thanks;

TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation between two university students (2)