Its my first essay, kindly take out my mistakes, thanks in advance.

[Waghma]

Should teenagers have paid jobs while they are students?
Part time job along with studies is best for students. Have a part time job with studies will make the students responsible, and also will help them a lot to know about the different hardships of works which they have to tolerate when they them selves become employee. I will prove some of its points one by one.
Firstly, some of the students belong to the poor family, if the students do any part time job he/she can support the expanses of him/her self’s studies greatly. The job will give the students a feeling of that “the money is not growing at trees”. The money or the support which they are provided; earning with lots of hard working and after lots of struggle, it will give them the feeling of work harder in their studies in order to choose a better future for themselves. It will be some sort of financial support to their families. Specially those students who have gone for higher studies to abroad, as the fee of universities over there too high so for that in order to financially support and to bear the expanses of their studies, Student have to do some part time job.
Secondly, many people think that if students start working at this early age, perhaps their studies will disturb and they couldn’t concentrate or focus on their studies properly. But in my opinion the students really need to do jobs at that age cause not only they will be able to utilize their ability but also it will be a kind of break from the studies; if a person wants to be perfect in every field of life, so it will be a better idea to train yourself from the beginning or root to do jobs and even when wants to take a break that your relaxation should be in working too.
In addition, when students start working, they practicing what they have learned at their text book and also begin concentrating on what they are studying. Their knowledge will become vast. I personally try to do job in school along my studies, I learned too much things and also I got an opportunity to know where I need to focus a lot in order to memorize thing in better way.
In short, Students should do some part time jobs in order to have some financial support, to feel their responsibilities, get chance to learn and communicate with different type of people, that’s all.

TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation between a professor and a university student in the professor’s office

[Luschen]

Hi, I am not a teacher, but as a native English speaker, I would be happy to comment on your essay. I understand what you are trying to say, but you have made a lot of grammatical errors. Also, try to improve the structure of your opening paragraph. Hopefully my corrections will be helpful.

@Waghma

Should teenagers have paid jobs while they are students?
[Having a] Part time job along with [doing] studies is best for students. Hav[ing] a part time job with studies will make the students responsible, and also will help them a lot to know[learn much] about the different hardships of works which they have to tolerate when they them selves{themselves is one word} become employee{s}. I will prove some of its points one by one. {This introduction is not structured correctly. You should start our very generally and end with a very specific thesis statement. You put your thesis statement as the first sentence in the essay - instead it should be the last sentence of the introductory paragraph}
Firstly, some of the students belong to the poor family{families} {start new sentence}, if the students do any part time job he/she can support the expanses{expenses} of him/her self’s{say “their studies”} studies greatly. The job will give the students a feeling of that “the money is not growing at[on] trees”. The money or the support which they are provided; earning[which they earn] with lots of hard working and after lots of struggle, it will give them the feeling[urge to] of work harder in their studies in order to choose a better future for themselves. It will [also] be [of] some sort of financial support to their families. Specially[Especially] those students who have gone for higher studies to abroad, as the fee of universities over there[in other countries is often] too [so] high so for that in order to financially support [themselves] and to bear the expanses of their studies, Student{s} have to do some part time job.
Secondly, many people think that if students start working at this early age, perhaps their studies will [be] disturb[ed] and they [will not be able to]couldn’t concentrate or focus on their studies properly. But in my opinion the students really need to do jobs at that age cause[because] not only they will [they] be able to utilize their ability but also it will be a kind of break from the[their] studies;{start new sentence} if a person wants to be perfect in every field of life, so it will be a better idea to train yourself from the beginning or root to do jobs and even when wants to take a break that your relaxation should be in working too. {If a person wants to better them self in every aspect of life, it is a good idea to train hard from from the beginning and work diligently at jobs: when taking a break, their relaxation should even be productive.}
In addition, when students start working, they practicing[practice] what they have learned at[from] their text book and also begin concentrating on what they are studying. Their knowledge will become vast. I personally try to do [a] job [when] in school along [with] my studies, I learned too much[many] things and also I got an opportunity to know where I need[ed] to focus a lot in order to memorize[learn] thing{s} in better way.
In short, Students{no caps} should do some part time jobs in order to have some financial support, to feel[“learn” or “become acquainted with”] their responsibilities, [to] get [a] chance to learn and communicate with different type{s} of people, that’s all.

TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation between a professor and a university student in the professor’s office