it is better people travel to their own country rather than foreign countries

[Samiraslh]

Please some one rate and correct my essay.

Do you agree or disagrees with the following statement:
People benefit more from traveling in their own country than form traveling to foreign country.

Nowadays traveling is easier than in the past because of the modern transportation system. As a result, people take trip more and more rather than ever. Some people are inclined toward the attitude that traveling to foreign countries is more beneficial than people travel in their own country, whereas others hold the opposite perspective. I personally, though, believe it is better that people travel to their own country in that not only does it improve their own country’s economic, but also people can be familiar more with their own country.
The first reason should be taken into consideration is that industrial traveling has different positive influences on country’s economic development. When persons travel to a city, a lot of jobs will create. Furthermore, if a city is visited by many people, it will attract various companies wanting to set down in that city. Consequently, unemployment rate will decrease. To elaborate on my point further, take the case of a city that is more appealing to be visited by a lot of tourists. People living in this city can produce some beautiful things as hand craft and buy them to the tourists coming to their city. Therefore, the industrial tourism creates job for the residence of this city.
A part from the points made above, no one can overlook the fact that traveling causes which people become familiar profoundly with their own country. In each country, there are many ancient places that people living on that country has not visited them so far. When they travel to their own country, they can see these places and know them. In addition, people can be familiar with culture and history of a place that they travel to. To illustrate further, consider a city that its residence speaks with a specific language and wear a special cloth. When visiting this city, not only can we learn a new language, but also we realize a new culture in our country.
To put it in a nutshell, I am of the opinion that people should travel to their own country instead of traveling to foreign countries. This is because people assist in developing their country’s economic, and they will be familiar with their culture and history of their country.

TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation between a student and her coach

[Luschen]

Hi Samiraslh, unfortunately, I thought this essay was a little weaker than some of your other recent essays. Your examples were relevant, but they were pretty general, without many specifics, and thus they were not as convincing at they might have been. Also, you seemed to have a few more odd or confusing words and phrases in this one.

@Samiraslh

Please some one rate and correct my essay.

Do you agree or [disagree] with the following statement:
People benefit more from traveling in their own country than [from] traveling to [a] foreign country.

Nowadays traveling is easier than in the past because of the modern transportation system. As a result, people take trip[s ] more and more rather [often] than ever. Some people are inclined toward the attitude that traveling to foreign countries is more beneficial than people travel[ing] in their own country, whereas others hold the opposite perspective. I personally, though, believe it is better that people travel to[within] their own country in that not only does it improve their own country’s econom[y ], but also people can be[come more] familiar more with their own country.
The first reason [that] should be taken into consideration is that industrial traveling {what is “industrial traveling”? - maybe you mean “domestic travel”?} has different positive influences on [a ]country’s economic development. When persons travel to a city, a lot of jobs will [be] create[d ]. Furthermore, if a city is visited by many people, it will attract various companies wanting to set down [up] in that city. {active tense would sound better than all these passive tense clauses} Consequently, [the] unemployment rate will decrease. To elaborate on my point further, take the case of a city that is more appealing to be [, and thus] visited by a lot of tourists. {or maybe “more appealing to visitors and therefore experiencing a lot of tourism”} People living in this city can produce some beautiful things as hand craft[s ] and buy [sell] them to the tourists coming to their city. Therefore, the industrial tourism creates job[s ] for the residen[ts] of this city.
A part[Apart] from the points made above, no one can overlook the fact that traveling causes which people [to] become familiar profoundly [familiar] {generally, the adverb goes before the adjective it modifies} with their own country. In each country, there are many ancient places that people living [ i]n that country ha[ve] not visited them so far. When they travel to[around] their own country, they can see these places and [get to] know them. In addition, people can be[come] familiar with [the] culture and history of a place that they travel to. To illustrate further, consider a city [whose residents speak] that its residence speaks with a specific language and wear a special cloth[ing]. When visiting this city, not only can we learn a new language, but also we realize a new culture [exists] in our country. {this paragraph is ok, but most of these are advantages that we can also get from international travel. Try to add one extra step, saying that learning about your country’s cultures and languages helps you get along better with your fellow citizens, have more pride in your nation, and become more patriotic, wanting to make your country the best it can be.}
To put it in a nutshell, I am of the opinion that people should travel to [places in ] their own country instead of traveling to foreign countries. This is because [in this way] people [can] assist in developing their country’s econom[y], and they will be[come] familiar with their culture and [the] history of their country.

TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation between a student and her coach