Independent Writing Task - 1st review ever

Hi everybody,

As I have been studying for the TOEFL for over 6 weeks, I’m currently trying to get some feedback on my independent writing essays. It is quite difficult for me to grade myself in the writing section, that’s why I’m asking for some help here. I would appreciate it if you could give me some feedback on the following independent writing task. I’ve been practicing with the Kaplan software and I constantly get 22-23 points on reading and listening. But as I said, I hope to get some feedback on the writing task here

Success is only achieved by discipline and hard work.

[i]In today’s fast-moving world, competition has become much harder, no matter in which part of a person’s life, if it’s in business or in private life. People are constantly looking for their best performance and trying to achieve both their personal and professional goals. Although discipline and hard work are major factors in the definition of success, I do not entirely agree with this statement, and the following arguments will point out the reasons for thinking so.

Firstly, a successful person always needs a mentor. A mentor is a person who strongly supports another person in order to reach their targets and develop in both professional and personal areas. Without a mentor, it is much harder to get into the right positions that allows a successful career.
Personally, I had a mentor when I was still studying in college. This person, the Managing Director, gave me the chance to work in an international company located in Bangkok, Thailand. Without this person, I would have never made it to this amazing place and therefore would have never had the chance to make those experiences.

Secondly, a successful person also needs a fundamental social network. Knowing the right people at the right places is a major factor in order to climb up the career ladder in a short period of time. As a fact, this “Vitamin B” factor, combined with mentoring, is a crucial requirement to get successful in life.
Interestingly, I also gained advantage from a social network. Fortunately, my mentor in Bangkok passed my CV to another Managing Director at another company site in Shanghai, China. Without this “Vitamin B”, I wouldn’t write these lines from my chinese home.

In summary, it can be said that success is not only achieved through discipline and hard work. Although this personal attitude is a fundamental requirement, a supporting mentor as well as side effects such as social or business networks increase the chance to live a successful life. [/i]

Thank you very much for your kind support. Any comment is highly appreciated

TOEFL listening discussions: Why is the young woman unfamiliar with Q22?