if you can change one important thing in your hometown-full essay

There are many things that I wish to change about my neighborhood. But the most important thing that needs changing is traffic jams. Its consequence of accidents, dirt, time-consuming is unacceptable and effective to our daily life.

A lot of problems cause accidents on the road and traffic jams are one of those. Along with the development of our town, there are many changes and especially the transportations which are increasing with a large number. The streets are narrow but still have to cope with a lot of heavy traffics such as Lorries, container-trucks, etc. Each time we stop by the traffic light, there must be some cars or motorbikes crashing each others.

Another reason for that change is air pollution. Traffic jams occurs almost everyday in rush hour. It’s also means that tons of dirt, smoke that comes from cars, buses… blow out. People just stand there and cannot move in any direction. As a result, they breathe the dirty air and may get cancer.

Finally, standing in one place for a long time while there are many other things which need solving will affect a lot of people. For instance, an ambulance is taking a dying-person to the hospital and of course it has its own right to overlook many rules. But what can it do when there are a lot of traffics among it? We all can image how seriously traffic jams cause to people.

The former reasons explain why I want to improve our town’s traffic jams. I believe that this problem does not exist only in our town and also in others. I hope someday we can change our traffic systems and make our hometown develop better.

TOEFL listening lectures: A lecture from a life sciences class

There are many things that I wish to change about my neighborhood. But the most important thing that needs changing is traffic jams. Its consequence of accidents, dirt, time-consuming is unacceptable and effective to our daily liVES.

A lot of problems cause accidents on the road and traffic jams are one of those. Along with the development of our town, there are many changes(,) and especially the transportations which are CONSTANTLY increasing. The streets are TOO narrow(,) but still have to cope with a lot of heavy TRAFFIC such as lorries, container-trucks, etc. Each time we stop AT the traffic lightS there must be some ARE cars or motorbikes crashing INTO each other.

Another reason for that change is air pollution. Traffic jams occurs almost everyday in THE rush hour. It also means that tons of dirt, smoke that comes from cars, buses… blow out. People just stand there and cannot move in any direction. As a result, they breathe the dirty air and may get cancer.

Finally, standing in one place for a long time(,) while there are many other things which need solving(,) will affect a lot of people. For instance, an ambulance is taking a dying-person to the hospital and of course it has its own right to overlook many rules. But what can it do when there IS a lot of traffic BEFORE it? We all can image how seriously traffic jams cause DISTRESS to people.

The former reasons explain why I want to improve our town’s traffic jams. I believe that this problem does not exist only in our town BUT also in others. I hope someday we can change our traffic systems and make our home-town better.
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Good morning Jane. Not bad, but you must be more imaginative with your opinions.

Kitos. 7.5/10

i still have some problems with prepositions and punctuation. :frowning: if the full point is 15, what score will you give me for this essay?

I think you can do a simple multiplication.
7.5/10---->11.25/15. :slight_smile:

Correct Alive. Simple math eh!

oh, that was high :slight_smile: i will try my best to be better

Mr Kitosdad, is it really ok? because my teacher corrected it with many errors like “no “but”” and she deleted other things. I’m really confused because if Toefl council marked this essay like my teacher did, i would have no idea what it could be?:frowning:

Here it is,
There are many things that I wish to change about my neighborhood. [But] Don’t start with “but” the most important thing that [needs changing is traffic jams] be specific. You can’t change traffic jams, just reduce it or solve the problem. Its consequence of accidents, dirt, [time-consuming] use NOUN is unacceptable and [effective???] to our daily life.

A lot of problems cause road accidents and traffic jams are one of those. Along with the development of our town, [there are many changes] delete, be direct about the increasing number of vehicles and especially the transportations which are increasing with a large number. The streets are narrow but still have to cope with a lot of heavy traffics such as Lorries, container-trucks, [etc] No “ect”. [Each time] [don’t be extreme] we stop by the traffic light, there must be some cars or motorbikes crashing each other.

Another reason for that change is air pollution. Traffic jams occurs almost everyday in rush hour. It also means that tons of dirt, smoke from cars, buses… blow out. Not being able to move in any direction, people just stand there, and breathe the dirty air. As a result, … may get [cancer] try some other diseases.

Finally, wasting time standing in one place while there are many other emergency things to solve will affect [a lot of] informal people. For instance, an ambulance is taking a dying-person to the hospital [and of course it has its own right to overlook many rules] [irrelevant]. [But] what can it do when there are a lot of traffics [among it] what do u mean?? We all can image serious effects traffic jams cause to people.

The reasons above explain why I want to improve our town’s traffic. I believe that this problem of gridlock does not exist only in our town and also in other places. I hope someday we can better our traffic systems for a more prosperous development in our hometown.

I see argument & examples, but what about counter-argument?

Proper length & quite concise.

Try some more complicated language

Hmmm, you should know that Kitos is not an academic teacher, and that he has many essays here to look at.
I think your teacher is right. There is no point of being confused. You should check these grammatical errors yourself; for errors in meaning and expression, Kitos can help; for errors in ideas, your teacher has done very well.
Can I know which mark your teacher give your essay?

Hello Jane. Your teacher is correct.
You should avoid beginning sentences with, but, and, also, and many others.
OK, your teacher knows you far better than I do. This is only your second essay here.Your first was replied to by BN who is a very experienced teacher. I have no idea (at the moment) of your potential, so initially I am more relaxed in my approach to your work. Once your potential is revealed I then become more critical.
This is an International forum, and one of my roles is to welcome new members and encourage them to stay with us. This would never be possible if I were to be critical toward a persons first submission.
You have my assurance that your work will be given good attention whenever you post, but your own teacher is far better positioned to interact with you than I am. Take his advice as accurate, and mine as yet another viewpoint.
Thank you Alive for your input.

Kitos.

oh, i see. My teacher didn’t give me any point. I just want to know what the standard mark is and which correction is acceptable. I will try later. Thank you :slight_smile: