IELTS wrting task II

ielts
#1

Today, I tried to write the following essay. Please give me some improvements and my score band. Thank you so much.

MY TOPIC: Some people think that a huge amount of time and money is spent on the protection of wild animals. And that this money could be better spent on the human population. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

MY ESSAY:

While humanity has now been suffering a number of serious problems, the financial and time resources should be to how spent on wild animals or the human population have become a dilemma. I totally share someone’s idea that a great deal of money and time should be the primary consideration to protect the wildlife of animals.
Firstly, the reason which is put forward to explain this idea is opinion is that the survival environment of animals and that of humanity has a close-knit relationship. In fact, all creatures including animals and humanity are living in the same sky on the earth, which means that the survival environment of animals have little or more connects with humanity. A physical example is that a lot of rainforests where many wild animals are living have been increasingly declining. It is the main cause leading to a severely environmental crisis which has negative impacts on human life such as global warming as well as serious climate shifts. It is likely that time and money spent on the conservation of wildlife is also to protect human life.
Secondly, wild animals can make significant contributions to a wide variety of aspects of human life like food and medical services. In terms of food area, animals provide diverse kinds of food with a huge amount of nutrition that allows people to have a stronger body. If all animals came into extinction, humanity would have to face with issues of food security. Furthermore, animals also play a vital role in the development of medicine. In particular, wild animals are valuable and rare genetic resources which are really important to pharmaceutical experiments as well as genetic engineering to invent a number of new kinds of medicine. Thus, many health problems that humans are suffering are decreased considerably.
In conclusion, I argue that financial and time resources should be allocated to wild animals. The reasons for this are that the living environment of animals and humans has a close connection and animals can bring many benefits for various aspects of human life like food security and medicine.

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#2

Hi Nguyen Thi Thu Hienere, your introduction was very unclear to me, but your first body paragraph was better. Your second body paragraph was not as convincing though. I am glad that you focused on one side of the argument, as that is the correct strategy for this prompt. Still, you do need to mention spending money on the human population - at least by saying that we need to think of animals’ welfare and not only focus on humans. Your two paragraphs sort of did this, but try to be a little more direct by stating that when we help wild animals by preserving the environment, we are actually helping humans as well. And the same thing goes for medical breakthroughs. You actually have most of the details of the argument there, you just need to state the argument a little more clearly and explicitly. This should be stated in your thesis statement - that one of the best ways to help humans is to protect wild animals - and it should be restated and proven in each of your body paragraphs. Here are some additional suggestions:

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