IELTS wrting task II

[thuhienvn1998]

Today, I tried to write the following essay. Please give me some improvements and my score band. Thank you so much.

MY TOPIC: Some people think that a huge amount of time and money is spent on the protection of wild animals. And that this money could be better spent on the human population. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

MY ESSAY:

While humanity has now been suffering a number of serious problems, the financial and time resources should be to how spent on wild animals or the human population have become a dilemma. I totally share someone’s idea that a great deal of money and time should be the primary consideration to protect the wildlife of animals.
Firstly, the reason which is put forward to explain this idea is opinion is that the survival environment of animals and that of humanity has a close-knit relationship. In fact, all creatures including animals and humanity are living in the same sky on the earth, which means that the survival environment of animals have little or more connects with humanity. A physical example is that a lot of rainforests where many wild animals are living have been increasingly declining. It is the main cause leading to a severely environmental crisis which has negative impacts on human life such as global warming as well as serious climate shifts. It is likely that time and money spent on the conservation of wildlife is also to protect human life.
Secondly, wild animals can make significant contributions to a wide variety of aspects of human life like food and medical services. In terms of food area, animals provide diverse kinds of food with a huge amount of nutrition that allows people to have a stronger body. If all animals came into extinction, humanity would have to face with issues of food security. Furthermore, animals also play a vital role in the development of medicine. In particular, wild animals are valuable and rare genetic resources which are really important to pharmaceutical experiments as well as genetic engineering to invent a number of new kinds of medicine. Thus, many health problems that humans are suffering are decreased considerably.
In conclusion, I argue that financial and time resources should be allocated to wild animals. The reasons for this are that the living environment of animals and humans has a close connection and animals can bring many benefits for various aspects of human life like food security and medicine.

[Luschen]

Hi Nguyen Thi Thu Hienere, your introduction was very unclear to me, but your first body paragraph was better. Your second body paragraph was not as convincing though. I am glad that you focused on one side of the argument, as that is the correct strategy for this prompt. Still, you do need to mention spending money on the human population - at least by saying that we need to think of animals’ welfare and not only focus on humans. Your two paragraphs sort of did this, but try to be a little more direct by stating that when we help wild animals by preserving the environment, we are actually helping humans as well. And the same thing goes for medical breakthroughs. You actually have most of the details of the argument there, you just need to state the argument a little more clearly and explicitly. This should be stated in your thesis statement - that one of the best ways to help humans is to protect wild animals - and it should be restated and proven in each of your body paragraphs. Here are some additional suggestions:

@thuhienvn1998

While humanity has now been suffering a number of serious problems, {“has now been” implies that there was a specific start time, which does not really work here “humanity has now been suffering a number of serious problems for 10,546 years” ??? } [the question of whether] financial and time resources should be to how spent on wild animals or the human population [has] become a dilemma. I totally share someone’s {“someone’s” sounds very odd here - do you mean John Smith from Boston? - maybe say "some experts’ "} idea that a great deal of money and time should be the primary consideration {this is wrong - protecting the wild animals should be the primary consideration} to protect the [wild environment] of animals. {animals are the “wildlife”} {this thesis does not give your opinion very clearly. The whole point of this prompt is for you to show the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement}
Firstly, the reason which is put forward {Who puts it forward? Are you putting it forward? If so, say so! } to explain this [opinion] {you are not really explaining your idea, you are justifying your idea or your opinion} is opinion is that the survival [living] environment of animals {or “the environment necessary for animals to survive”} and that of humanity has a close-knit relationship. In fact, all creatures[,] including animals and [humans] {usually learners use “humans” when they mean “humanity” here you have made the opposite mistake - you are comparing animals and humans, so use the word humans} are living [under] the same sky [and] on the [same] earth, which means that the survival environment of animals have little or more connects {this is unclear - don’t you mean it has a very close connection with humans? That animals and humans are closely connected?} with humanity. A physical example is that a lot of rainforests where many wild animals are living have been increasingly declining. [This] is the main cause leading to a [severe] environmental crisis which has negative impacts on human life[,] such as global warming[,] as well as serious climate shifts. It is likely that time and money spent on the conservation of wildlife [will also] protect human life. {this is a good point, but it should be stated earlier in your essay}
Secondly, wild animals can make significant contributions to a wide variety of aspects of human life like food and medical services. In terms of food area, animals provide diverse kinds of food with a huge amount of nutrition that [allow] people to have [stronger bodies]. If all animals [became extinct] into extinction, humanity would have to face with issues of food security. {this is not very applicable - the prompt is talking about wild animals, but most animals that are eaten are domesticated and at no risk of extinction. In fact, raising animals for food is one of the major causes of environmental damage} Furthermore, animals also play a vital role in the development of medicine. In particular, wild animals are valuable and rare genetic resources which are really important to pharmaceutical experiments as well as genetic engineering[, allowing scientists] to invent a number of new kinds of medicine. Thus, many health problems that humans are suffering [can be] decreased considerably [as long as these rare wild animals do not go extinct before the breakthroughs are made].
In conclusion, I argue that financial and time resources should be allocated to wild animals. The reasons for this are that the living environment of animals and humans has a close connection and animals can bring many benefits for various aspects of human life[,] like food security and medicine.