Ielts Wrting task 2

[Chisteki]

Hi everyone, please help me evaluate my essay. Thank you!

Some people believe that developments in the field of artificial intelligence will have a positive impact on our lives in the near future. Others, by contrast, are worried that we are not prepared for a world in which computers are more intelligent than humans. Discuss both of these views and give your own opinion.

People’s opinions differ as to whether or not the advancement of artificial intelligence pose a threat to human society. In my opinion, this development will exert numerous positive impacts on human life in the near future.

On the other hand, there are several reasons why people might argue that artificial intelligence is harmful to human. First, robots and machines with perfect accuracy are likely to replace workers in various industries, leading to the rise in unemployment rate and even worse, those who are deprived of their jobs tend to engage in criminal activities such as burglary, shoplifting to make a living which poses a serious to society. Moreover, in the long-term, people may become over-reliant on machines that they become deskilled and passive. For example, the overuse of calculators may cause to students lose their ability to analyse and calculate.

In spite of the above arguments, i support the view that the increasiong intelligence of technology would enhance the quality of life. Firstly, robots can be utilized as a substitute to do some dangerous jobs, thus minimizing the risk of getting injury and accidents. For instance, workers at radioactive factories are less likely to suffer from cancer and other diseases since robots can help them avoid exposure to toxic chemicals when working. Furthermore, intelligent machines can help people having hectic schedule do household chores, thereby saving their time and alleviating the housework burden, one source of stress. For example, working parents can use automatic machines to do housework and have more time to participating in recreational activities and unwind.

In conclusion, although both views certainly have some validity, it seems to me that intelligent machines can contribute greatly to human life.

[Luschen]

Hi Christeki, welcome the forum. You are evidently off to a great start, as this essay was really good. You have addressed the prompt well, but make sure that your thesis statement includes both parts of the prompt - stating that artificial intelligence may have both positive and negative impacts, as well as giving your opinion.
Your writing is very clear with good vocabulary, but you do have some mistakes in usage. Here are some specific comments:

@Chisteki

People’s opinions differ as to whether or not the advancement of artificial intelligence [poses] a threat to human society. In my opinion, this development will exert numerous positive impacts on human {“human” usually is used when talking about biology or when comparing people to animals or machines. So it sounds just a tad off here - like it will have good effects on people but probably not on animals} life in the near future.

On the [one] hand, there are several reasons why people might argue that artificial intelligence is harmful to human [citizens]. First, robots and machines with perfect accuracy are likely to replace workers in various industries, leading to [a ] rise in [the]unemployment rate and even worse, [as] those who are deprived of their jobs tend to engage in criminal activities such as burglary[ and] {be careful not to replace “and” or “or” with a comma. This is common in Vietnamese English, but is not standard} shoplifting to make a living[,] which poses a serious [threat] to society. {this sentence seems too long and ungainly. I would probably split it into two shorter sentences} Moreover, in the long-term, people may become [so] over-reliant on machines that they become deskilled and passive. For example, the overuse of calculators may cause to students lose their ability to analyse and calculate. {calculators are not really artificial intelligence - you could use calculators as an analogy though - “For example, consider how the overuse of calculators has caused students to lose their ability to add and subtract. Now imagine the consequences of artificial intelligence taking over more and more tasks. The common person may lose the skills necessary to analyze or reason at all.” }

In spite of the above arguments, i support the view that the [increasing] intelligence of technology would enhance the quality of life. Firstly, robots can be utilized as a [substitutes] to do some dangerous jobs, thus minimizing the risk of [human workers] {notice here that “human” is fine - we are comparing human workers with robot workers} getting [injured] and [having] accidents. For instance, workers at radioactive factories are less likely to suffer from cancer and other diseases[,] since robots can help them avoid exposure to toxic chemicals when working. Furthermore, intelligent machines can help people having hectic [schedules] do household chores, thereby saving their time and alleviating the housework burden, one source of stress. For example, working parents can use automatic machines to [vacuum their floors] {this both gives a specific example - have you heard of the Roomba? - and reduces repetition} and [therefore] {this changes the transition to show the cause/effect relationship} have more time to [participate] in recreational activities and unwind.

In conclusion, although both views certainly have some validity, it seems to me that intelligent machines can contribute greatly to human life. {I prefer to see a slightly longer introduction. Maybe summarize your main points and add a call to action sentence}

[Chisteki]

Thank you for your feedback. I really appreciate it.