This is the first time i have posted my essay online in order to have it checked. So u guys plz take a look at it for me and see if there are any mistakes. I really appreciate your help. Many thanks!
People should follow the customs and traditions when they start to live in a new country. Do u agree or disagree?
It is believed that people ought to act and behave according to the cultural norms of the new country they move to reside. From my point of view, I intensely hold the view that it is advisable for people to adopt new customs and traditions, with an aim to avoid cultural conflicts, crime commitment and to enjoy fresh cultural experience.
Firstly, it is necessary for newcomers to settle in a completely new environment by following the customs and the norms of social behavior. The first reason for this is that those who are ignorant of the norms are easily prone to social isolation and being ostracized. In addition, newcomers who are willing to learn and observe new customs can easily endear themselves with local people. This would help them a lot in starting a new life in a foreign country. Another reason is that in some countries, it can be illegal if people defy and disregard the common social behavior. For example, in several religious countries, scantily dressed women are considered to fall foul of the law, accordingly, settlers doing so can be fined and punished intensely.
Moreover, adopting the host country’s traditions can be a exhilarating and wonderful experience. People living in foreign countries could take part in traditional festivals on special occasions so as to alleviate the feeling of homesick. Specifically, indulging in the lively and boisterous atmosphere can heighten their spirit and make them feel a sense of belonging in new countries. Additionally, getting more insight into the new traditions could equip them more knowledge about culture and people, thus, leading to better adaptive capacity and mutual understanding.
In conclusion, I argue that people who settle in new countries should follow local customs and embrace the traditions which local people observe.
Hi Vivian, welcome to the forum! It is obvious that your English is quite good. You have a wide range of sentence structures and vocabulary along with excellent use of transitional phases to ensure cohesion in your essay.
Your main drawback is your organization. Your essay reads somewhat like a list of bullet points, mainly because you have so many reasons. With so many reasons it is impossible to fully develop your ideas while still keeping the essay to a reasonable length. I would suggest two options. First, you could reduce your number of reasons to three and just focus on those, covering each reason in its own body paragraph. The topic sentence of each paragraph would give the reason and then the following sentences would elaborate upon it and give an example. Your three reasons could be 1. to avoid becoming ostracized 2. to avoid breaking the law 3. to enjoy new experiences
A second option would be to figure out a way to group your reasons into two clearly defined categories. In this format, you would have two body paragraphs, with each having a topic sentence that would give the category. I think your second body paragraph is already pretty close to its own category - “an exciting learning experience”. This would cover both of the reasons given in your second body paragraph. For your first paragraph, I would probably toss out the legal aspect and just stick to “forming a strong social network with your neighbors”. In this you could cover avoiding becoming ostracized as well as being able to rely on your neighbors in times of trouble. I hope this is helpful. With your skill in English, I am sure you could achieve a high band score as long as you have an effective structure. Here are some additional suggestions:
I rewrote the assay, following your advice and instruction. Can u pls take a look at it gain for me? Tks.
It is believed that people ought to act and behave according to the cultural norms of the new country they move to reside. From my point of view, I intensely hold the view that it is advisable for people to adopt new customs and traditions, with an aim to avoid cultural conflicts and to enjoy fresh cultural experiences.
Firstly, newcomers are advisable to follow the norms of social behavior and manner in order to blend in and integrate into the completely new environment . The first reason for this is that those who are ignorant of the norms are easily prone to social isolation and being ostracized. For example, in some countries, it is normal and common to eat by hands, without the need of either folks or chopsticks. It will be rude if newcomers make fun of this table manner and look down on it, as a result, local people might feel disrepected and stay away from them. In addition, the acculturation will enable the newcomers to endear themselves with local people. This would allow them to establish a large social network that could help them a lot in starting a new life in a foreign country.
Moreover, adopting the host country’s traditions can be a exhilarating and wonderful learning experience.People living in foreign countries could take part in traditional festivals on special occasions so as to alleviate the feeling of homesickness. Thoroughly, indulging in the lively and boisterous atmosphere can heighten their spirit and make them feel a sense of belonging in new countries. Additionally, getting more insight into the new traditions could equip them with more knowledge about culture and people, thus, leading to better adaptive capacity and mutual understanding.
In conclusion, I argue that people who settle in new countries should follow local customs and embrace the traditions which local people observe.By doing this, they can acclimatize themselves with new environment more readily and accumulate both emotional and learning experiences.
Hi Vivian, I think this one is much better. With your revised format, your ideas are much easier to follow and the whole essay seems tied together so much more effectively.
