IELTS Writing Task 2 - Topic: Job

Hi Mr. Luschen, please revise my essay and give me advice. Thank you so much!:smiling_face_with_three_hearts::smiling_face_with_three_hearts:
Topic: It is better for people to be unemployed rather than to be employed without a job they enjoy. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

Robotics technology has ceaselessly and rapidly been developing the world in both negative and positive ways. As a result, humans, nowadays, are replaced by sophisticated computing systems and intelligent machines in many parts varying from agriculture to heavy industry, leading people to unemployment. For this reason, seeking a job which furnishes people with sufficient earnings to meet their basic needs is becoming difficult in contemporary society. Thus, I completely do not concur that it is better for people to be unemployed instead of landing an unsatisfying occupation.

On the one hand, it is crucial to recognize that the more convenient and cutting-edged technology has made, the more unemployed people there are. In addition, there are many applicants for a specific opening which is considered as a joy of many people. Therefore, it will be very fortunate if people can get a job helping them meet their demands. Moreover, all legal works generate vast wealth for community, which may guarantee the prosperity of society.

In contrast, people choose to be unemployed unless they have dream jobs; consequently, they will be burdens on the growth of economy. For example, when the unemployment rate increases, the governments have to redistribute national budget, which deserves of spending on other essential sectors such as transportation and education, to resolve this issue. Hence, unemployment due to people’s characteristics may induce the deterioration of the whole community’s well-being.

In conclusion, it is reasonable and acceptable when people look for their joy jobs. However, they would concentrate on their basic demands and the sustainable development of society rather than satisfying themselves.

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Hi uy.dpn, {somehow I doubt that is your real name :wink: ) Your emojis were so cute, it makes me sorry to say that I didn’t think your essay was very strong. I like that you were being creative instead of using a cookie-cutter type of introduction, but you went immediately into a sidetrack about robotics and how that is causing unemployment. It was very well written, but it did not have much at all to do with the prompt. The prompt is not concerned at all with the cause of unemployment, it is just asking whether you should settle for a meaningless job you don’t enjoy or hold out for a job that gives you a real sense of satisfaction. On one hand, you need to support yourself and your family and put food on the table, but on the other hand you might be stuck doing something you hate and that makes you unhappy. Maybe a good middle ground is to accept a bad job for a short time but always be on the lookout for a new opportunity and be willing to take the risk and perhaps a pay cut, to spend 8 to 10 hours every work day doing something you love rather than bearing with something you hate. You can talk about robots or technology in a specific example, but your main point has to be whether you should work for love or for money, even if waiting for a job you love leads to temporary or even longer term unemployment. Does this make sense? Also, for this type of prompt - “to what extent do you agree or disagree” - you don’t have to discuss both sides. Usually it is best just to pick one side or the other and argue for that side exclusively. Here are some specific comments:

quote=“uy.dpn92, post:1, topic:146102”]
Robotics technology has ceaselessly and rapidly been developing [throughout] the world {to say “robotics is developing the world” sounds odd - “transforming the world” is good though} in both negative and positive ways. As a result, humans, nowadays, are [being] replaced by sophisticated computing systems and intelligent machines in many [sectors] varying from agriculture to heavy industry, leading people to unemployment.{“leading to higher unemployment” or “leading to more people becoming unemployed”} For this reason, seeking a job which furnishes people with sufficient earnings to meet their basic needs is becoming difficult in contemporary society. Thus, I completely do not concur {this sounds odd - maybe “I completely disagree”} that it is better for people to be unemployed instead of landing [settling for] an unsatisfying occupation.

On the one hand, it is crucial to recognize that the more convenient and cutting-edged technology [becomes] has made, {it was a little confusing because it sounded like the technology is making something} the more unemployed people there are. {explain why this is - some argue that technology leads to more and better jobs because someone has to design, improve and repair the technology} In addition, there are [now] many applicants for a specific opening which is considered as a joy of many people. {this last part is unclear - do you mean that this single job, I suppose maybe “robot technician”, has replaced dozens of positions that were required before the introduction of robots? If you talk about specific jobs, it will help the reader understand exactly what you are referring to} Therefore, it will [only] be [the] very fortunate people [who] can get a job helping them meet their demands. Moreover, all legal [work] {“legal work” means working on contracts and wills and court cases, tasks that a paralegal would do, so this is confusing} [generates] vast wealth for [the] community, which may guarantee the prosperity of society.

In contrast, [some impractical] {or some other adjective - idealistic/lazy/unrealistic} people choose to be unemployed unless they have dream jobs; consequently, they will be burdens on the growth of [the] economy. For example, when the unemployment rate increases, the governments have to redistribute [the] national budget, which deserves of spending [would be much better spent] {is this what you meant?} on other essential sectors such as transportation and education, to resolve this issue. Hence, unemployment due to people’s characteristics {“characteristics” sounds odd when talking about people - maybe “people’s character flaws / people’s tendencies” } may induce the deterioration of the whole community’s well-being.

In conclusion, it is reasonable and acceptable when people look for their joy jobs.{It would be great if “joy job” was a standard English idiom, but it is not - we are stuck with “look for jobs that give them joy”} However, they [should] concentrate on their basic demands and the sustainable development of society rather than satisfying themselves.
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