IELTS Writing task 2- Some people believe that studying at university or college

[kelvincumberbatch]

Dear teacher,
As a friend of mine doesn’t have an account, therefore, she used mine to post this essay.
Please help her check this essay,
Thank you very much,

Nowadays, with the myriad kinds of jobs, high school leavers have to face the dilema of whether to earn money by getting a job straight after school or pursue tertiary education. While there are benefits to get a job after finishing high school, continuing to study higher education is also benefical.

Firstly, the option to start work straight after school is advantageous. It can not be denied that the reality is subtotally different from the theory. Therefore, getting a job straight after school can help people gain real experience and learn practical skills more quickly. Moreover, there are many people become famous and successful without graduating from university or college like Albert Einstein, Thomas Edison, Bill Gates or Isaac Newton.

Besides, choosing to pursuing higher education is also a brilliant idea and the good way to guarantee career. Today, academic qualifications are required in many professions like such as doctors, lawers or teachers which people can not do without relevant degrees. In addition, people can chase the top jobs and meet higher-level qualifications if they complete the universities’ programs. Furthermore, the jobs’ market is becoming increasingly competitive. As a result, it is hard for people who have just graduated from high school to get the good jobs with high salary and promotions.

In conclusion, each route has its own advantage. Studying at university or college after high school is a nice choice with a guaranteed future. However, getting a job straight after school is also an interesting option.

[Luschen]

Hi welcome to the forum. It is very easy to get an account and absolutely free, so I hope your friend will sign up soon and join in the fun! I think she has written a good response to this prompt and correctly covered the two different viewpoints.
There is not very much development of ideas though - each body paragraph sort of reads like a bullet list of points. It would be better to cut down on the number of reasons so she can develop each reason more fully with explanation and examples. She has used transition phrases, but not always correctly. Also you can probably tell I really dislike sentences that are obviously memorized templates to be inserted into any and every essay. Here are some specific suggestions:

@kelvincumberbatch

Nowadays, with the myriad kinds of [different] jobs, high school leavers [graduates] have to face the [dilemma] of whether to earn money by getting a job straight after school or pursue tertiary education. While there are benefits to [getting] {or “obtaining” or “working at” to avoid repetition} a job after finishing high school, continuing to study [at an institute of] higher education {you don’t “study education” unless you want to be a teacher} is also benefical.{“… education also has its advantages” sounds better here to avoid benefits/beneficial}

Firstly, the option to start work straight after school is advantageous. It can not be denied that the reality is [totally] different from the theory. {this sentence adds no content at all to your essay. It is obviously “filler” that is meant to be inserted into any essay. Please please don’t use sentences like this.} Therefore, {“therefore” is only used after a reason or explanation - “A equals B, therefore B equals A.” So it does not work here since there is no previous reason given} getting a job straight after school can help people gain real experience and learn practical skills more quickly. Moreover, there are many people [who became] famous and successful without graduating from university or college like Albert Einstein, Thomas Edison, Bill Gates [and] Isaac Newton.

Besides, {“besides” is used to give an additional reason. Here you need to use a contrast transition like “On the other hand” “In contrast” or “Despite these advantages”} choosing to [pursue] higher education is also a brilliant idea and [a] good way to guarantee [a successful] career. Today, academic qualifications are required in many professions like such as doctors, [lawyers] or teachers[,] which people can not do without relevant degrees. In addition, people can chase {“can land” is better} the top jobs and meet higher-level qualifications if they complete the universities’ programs. Furthermore, the [job] market is becoming increasingly competitive. As a result, it is hard for people who have just graduated from high school to get the good jobs with high salary and promotions.

In conclusion, each route has its own [advantages]. Studying at university or college after high school is a nice choice with [an almost] guaranteed future. However, getting a job straight after school is also an interesting option.

[kelvincumberbatch]

Thank you, teacher <3