IELTS Writing Task 2 - Please mark my essay and give me advice

[uy.dpn92]

Please mark my essay and give me advice. Many thanks!
Topic: Human has made a great technological process in the last hundred years. However, this progress has negative effects on people’s lives. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

My essay:

The development of science and technology has changed the world. Human society has attained many extraordinary achievements such as reaching the moon or cancer treatment. However, there is an opinion that technological process impacts negatively on people’s lives. In my opinion, it is a dilemma of what technologies brings to our life.

On the one hand, the purpose of technological process is to enhance the quality of life and generate surplus values. Consequently, society is the beneficiary of this improvement. For example, people, nowadays, can easily keep in touch each other thanks to the Internet; therefore, countries may accelerate the rate of global trade. Furthermore, scientists are able to follow scientific publications from the others. This can facilitate the proliferation of science, which helps improve people’s lives such as medical treatment, education and eco-friendly environmental products.

On the other hand, it is true to say that technological process damage the sustainable growth of human. Many industrial fields harm the environment by releasing greenhouse gases, discharging contaminants into rivers or wasting chemicals. These activities result in the climate change, forming new hazardous bacteria. Apparently, it causes harmful to community. In recent years, many people are facing with cancer, fatal diseases that are derived from technological progress. Moreover, environmental deterioration causing by technology is irrecoverable and inescapable.

In conclusion, the development of science and technology is necessary and compulsory to the well-being of the whole community. However, its negative sides are also inevitable.

[Luschen]

Hi uy.dpn, your English is quite good in this essay, but I don’t feel you have really addressed the prompt correctly.
You have written a “discuss both sides and give your opinion” type of essay. But this is a “to what extent to you agree or disagree?” essay. For this I think it is best to pick one side or the other and firmly argue for that side. Only mention the other side to show that it is flawed or unimportant in comparison to the side you are arguing for.
Addressing the prompt correctly is very critical, since even if you write very well, your TA score will be low, bringing down your overall band. Here are some other suggestions:

@uy.dpn92

The development of science and technology has changed the world. Human society has attained many extraordinary achievements such as reaching the moon or [treating] cancer treatment. {a parallel structure is usually better} However, there is an opinion that technological [progress] impacts negatively on people’s lives. In my opinion, it is a dilemma of what technologies [bring] to our life. {this is not the best thesis statement. Make sure your thesis statement clearly answers the question in the prompt - here it is “to what extent do you agree or disagree?” Reading your thesis, I don’t really understand exactly where you stand nor to what degree you hold your beliefs}

On the one hand, the purpose of technological process is to enhance the quality of life and generate surplus values. {“surplus values” does not really make sense to me - what do you mean?} Consequently, society is the beneficiary of this improvement. For example, people, nowadays, can easily keep in touch each other thanks to the Internet; therefore, countries may accelerate the rate of global trade. Furthermore, scientists are able to follow scientific publications from the others. {this is not exactly right - they can follow other’s discoveries through scientific publications} This can facilitate the proliferation of science, which helps improve people’s lives [in diverse domains] such as medical treatment, education and eco-friendly environmental products.

On the other hand, it is true to say that technological process [damages] the sustainable growth of [the human race]. Many industrial fields {“fields” is a little ambiguous because fields can mean areas or an actual field where they grow things, but not sure how that could be industrial} harm the environment by releasing greenhouse gases, discharging contaminants into rivers or wasting chemicals. {it is unclear how “wasting chemicals” hurts the environment - maybe “wasting natural resources”} These activities result in the climate change, forming new hazardous bacteria. {this makes it sound like climate change involves forming new bacteria - the connection is not clear to me} [Clearly], it causes [harm] to [every] community. In recent years, many people are facing with cancer, [along with other] fatal diseases that are derived from technological progress. Moreover, environmental deterioration [caused] by technology is irrecoverable and inescapable. {you already talked about environmental problems earlier - you can sum up the entire paragraph with a concluding sentence, but do not return to a previous argument}

In conclusion, the development of science and technology is necessary and compulsory to the well-being of the whole community. However, its negative sides are also inevitable.