Please mark my essay and give me advice. Many thanks!
Topic: Human has made a great technological process in the last hundred years. However, this progress has negative effects on people’s lives. To what extend do you agree or disagree?
The development of science and technology has changed the world. Human society has attained many extraordinary achievements such as reaching the moon or cancer treatment. However, there is an opinion that technological process impacts negatively on people’s lives. In my opinion, it is a dilemma of what technologies brings to our life.
On the one hand, the purpose of technological process is to enhance the quality of life and generate surplus values. Consequently, society is the beneficiary of this improvement. For example, people, nowadays, can easily keep in touch each other thanks to the Internet; therefore, countries may accelerate the rate of global trade. Furthermore, scientists are able to follow scientific publications from the others. This can facilitate the proliferation of science, which helps improve people’s lives such as medical treatment, education and eco-friendly environmental products.
On the other hand, it is true to say that technological process damage the sustainable growth of human. Many industrial fields harm the environment by releasing greenhouse gases, discharging contaminants into rivers or wasting chemicals. These activities result in the climate change, forming new hazardous bacteria. Apparently, it causes harmful to community. In recent years, many people are facing with cancer, fatal diseases that are derived from technological progress. Moreover, environmental deterioration causing by technology is irrecoverable and inescapable.
In conclusion, the development of science and technology is necessary and compulsory to the well-being of the whole community. However, its negative sides are also inevitable.
Hi uy.dpn, your English is quite good in this essay, but I don’t feel you have really addressed the prompt correctly.
You have written a “discuss both sides and give your opinion” type of essay. But this is a “to what extent to you agree or disagree?” essay. For this I think it is best to pick one side or the other and firmly argue for that side. Only mention the other side to show that it is flawed or unimportant in comparison to the side you are arguing for.
Addressing the prompt correctly is very critical, since even if you write very well, your TA score will be low, bringing down your overall band. Here are some other suggestions: