IELTS Writing Task 2 - Please help me

[uy.dpn92]

Please assess my writing essay and give me advice. Thank you!
Topic: The government should control the amount of violence in films and on television in order to decrease the violent crimes in society. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

My essay:

In contemporary society, media in which movies and television has ceaselessly, rapidly developing has significantly changed the world in both positive and negative sides. Aiming at high audience rating, TV program producers are lean to increase the level of violence in movies. Some claim that these actions can rise criminal rate in society, the issue as to whether governments should limit the contents of films and television in order to diminish the violent crimes in the whole community.

First of all, it is crucial to recognize that films and TV programs usually promote heroism and individualism; therefore, offensive behaviors in violent movies are seen as reasonable, acceptable. Viewers of this kind of film are diverse, varying from children to old people. It is well-known that the elderly are sufficiently mature to adjust their behaviors after watching violent clips. In contrast, youth and children are easily obsessed by such violence in movies. For this reason, they tend to imitate law-offending actions to resolve their own conflicts. Anecdotal evidence shows that there are many murders causing by juveniles, in which violent factor in films is one of the main reason for those law-breaking behaviors.

As mentioned above, media is a double-edged sword, consequently, government should take responsibility for controlling the amount of violence. In detail, it is necessary to release a measurement to censor crimes in movies or any entertainment. Besides, intervention from governments is needed to TV producers to restrict violent footage and encourage constructive and informative movies by furnishing financial support or subscription.

In conclusion, media especially films and television has both cons and pros. From my perspective, tailoring the contents of these kind of media from governments is imperative in order to decrease the violent crimes in human society.

[Luschen]

Hi uy.dpn, welcome to the forum! You have some great sentences in your essay, especially towards the end of your first body paragraph. Your vocabulary is good and you have used synonyms correctly to reduce the amount of repetition in your words and phrases. Still, you do have quite a few odd or awkward sounding phrases, some of which interfere a little with my comprehension. I think your big flaw is that you did not directly answer the prompt’s question. This is not a “discuss both sides and give your opinion” prompt, it is purely an agree/disagree prompt. So I think you need to say earlier in the essay, preferably in your thesis, whether you agree or disagree and to what extent. Here are some more specific suggestions:

@uy.dpn92

In contemporary society, [the] media[, specifically] in which movies and television[,] has ceaselessly[ and] rapidly [been] developing[, significantly changing] the world in both positive and negative [ways]. Aiming at high audience [ratings], TV program producers are [keen] {“keen” to me sounds a bit odd, but maybe it is more popular in the UK} to increase the level of violence in movies. Some claim that these actions can [raise the] [crime] rate in society, [leading to] the issue as to whether governments should limit the contents of films and television in order to diminish the violent crimes in the whole community. {for this type of prompt you should answer the prompt’s question - “to what extent do you agree or disagree” - in your thesis}

First of all, it is crucial to recognize that films and TV programs usually promote heroism and individualism; therefore, offensive behaviors in violent movies are seen as reasonable[ and] {do not replace “and” or “or” with a comma - this is very common in Vietnamese English, but is not standard} acceptable. {try to connect this idea closer to the previous sentence with a good transition - maybe “Moreover, viewers …”} Viewers of this kind of film are diverse, varying from children to old people. It is well-known that the elderly are sufficiently mature to adjust their behaviors {“adjust their behaviors” is not quite right - what you really mean is that watching the violence will not affect their behavior} after watching violent clips. In contrast, youth and children are easily obsessed by such violence in movies. For this reason, they tend to imitate law-offending actions to resolve their own conflicts. Anecdotal evidence shows that there are many murders [caused] by juveniles, in which [violence] factor in films is one of the main [reasons] {or “main factors” - this is where factors should go} for those law-breaking behaviors.

As mentioned above, media is a double-edged sword[;] consequently, government should take responsibility for controlling the amount of violence [promulgated by these outlets]. {here’s a little vocabulary word for you } In detail, it is necessary to release a measurement {“release a measurement” is incorrect - I guess you mean “to implement measures to …”} to censor [depictions of] crimes in movies or any [other form of] entertainment. Besides, intervention from governments is needed to [force] {or less strong “persuade”} TV producers to restrict violent footage and encourage constructive and informative movies by furnishing financial support or subscription {“subscription” is confusing here - what do you mean?} [for films and tv shows concerning these more educational topics].

In conclusion, media[,] especially films and television[,] has both cons and pros. {the idiom is “pros and cons”, so reversing the order sounds a little odd} From my perspective, tailoring the contents of [this] kind of media from governments {this makes it sound like the media is coming from the government - move the prepositional phrase closer to what is is describing - “… tailoring by the government of this kind of media …”} is imperative in order to decrease the violent crimes in human society. {“human” sounds odd here, like you are differentiating between human society and I guess, ant society, or alien society}

[uy.dpn92]

Thank for your helps. It is very detailed and I really appreciate it.