IELTS Writing task 2: People have little understanding of the importance of the natural world. What are the reasons for this, and how can people learn more about the natural world?

kelvincumberbatch · April 21, 2019, 1:52pm

Dear teacher,
Please help me check this IELTS Writing task 2 essay.

People have little understanding of the importance of the natural world. What are the reasons for this, and how can people learn more about the natural world?

In a materialistic society like nowadays, people tend to look toward the benefits without concern about the negative that it brings back. The result is an ignorance about the important role of the natural world that is surrounding them. There are a number of reasons behind this phenomenon and several solutions should be adopted by governments and individuals to tackle the situation.

First, there are two primary reasons why the important role played by the natural world surrounding us are being ignored. One reason is that we don’t have the time and mind to pay intention to the subject. We - humans, are caught in a busy lifestyle, neither it was being obligated to stay all day in an office or working at home, we don’t have much time to bother to care about anything else besides our own business. For children and those who are still pursuit education, school system force them to sit in classes for 8 hours or more in a day just to stick their head in books, they hardly have times to play outside and acknowledge the natural world around them. Furthermore, festivals and carnivals about nature such as spring or harvest celebrations had disappeared over time. Young generation these days don’t interesting in the natural world anymore, instead, they become distracted or even addictive with social media and modern tech.

Fortunately, several measures could be taken to prevent this problem. The first solution would be to encourage people to volunteer in environmental work, companies should make a regulation to send some of the employees to sign up for environment protections at their local places. People themselves can voluntarily take part in these events to gain some life experiences and get connected more with others. As for the school system, they should balance between study and relaxation, besides studying, schools should give children or student a reasonable time to relax and play outside so that they could get time to know the natural surrounding. Not only changing the lifestyle but also celebrate to remind the importance role of the natural world by holding lots of festivals and carnivals with environmental theme, not only will it get people to remember the meaning of the event and connect with others, tourist will be attracted to come and make benefit for the local and the economy at the same time.

In conclusion, it is clear that these are various reasons for the lack of understanding about nature, but with proper solutions, people will keep in mind the world they are living in.

Luschen · April 22, 2019, 2:18pm

Hi, I thought your overall format for this prompt was good - you correctly gave the reasons in one paragraph and the solutions in a second paragraph. Your reasons were pretty good, but you need to do a better job of connecting them with the main idea of the prompt. Be sure to explain how each solution will teach people about the importance of the natural world. Also, be careful not to get sidetracked with other benefits - stick to what the prompt is specifically asking. Your writing was clear, but there were some places where you could have phrased your words a little more elegantly. Also, you had some comma splice run-on sentences throughout your essay. Here are some specific suggestions:

kelvincumberbatch:

In a materialistic society like nowadays, people tend to look toward the benefits {“benefits” of what? of a particular action? This seems vague} without concern about the [negatives] that it brings ~~back~~. The result is an ignorance about the important role of the natural world that is surrounding them. {oh, I thought the result is that we waste too much time on Instagram! } There are a number of reasons behind this phenomenon and several solutions should be adopted by governments and individuals to tackle the situation.

First, there are two primary reasons why the important role played by the natural world surrounding us are being ignored. {this is too repetitive of your sentence in the introduction - maybe “… reasons why the average citizen tends to discount how critical nature and the environment are in his or her life.”} One reason is that we don’t have the time and mind to pay [attention] to the subject. We - {no dash here} humans, are caught in a busy lifestyle, [whether being] obligated to stay all day in an office or working at home, [therefore\ we don’t have much time to bother to care about anything else besides our own business. For children and those who are still [pursuing] education, [the] school system [forces] them to sit in classes for 8 {write out numbers less than 20 in formal essays} hours or more in a day [with their head stuck in books, thus] ~~just to stick their head in books,~~ they hardly have [time] to play outside and acknowledge the natural world ~~around them.~~ [outside their classroom walls] {this sounds a little nicer and less repetitive} Furthermore, festivals and carnivals [focussing on] {“about” is ok, but this might be better} nature such as spring or harvest celebrations [have] disappeared over time. [As a result, the] Young generation these days [is not interested] in the natural world anymore, instead, they become distracted or even [addicted to] social media and modern tech. {ah, I knew you would end up talking about Instagram! }

Fortunately, several measures could be taken to prevent this problem. The first solution would be to encourage people to volunteer in environmental work[. Companies] should make a regulation [requiring] ~~to send~~ {or “should make a concerted effort to send some …”} some of the employees to sign up for environment [protection projects] at their local [workplaces.] {or better, “projects in their local communities”} People themselves can voluntarily take part in these events to gain some life experiences and get connected more with ~~others~~ [nature] {I think you need to tie this in to the prompt a little closer - stress that these projects will force people to actually get outside, to interact with nature, and by helping the environment they will become more knowledgeable about its importance} As for the school system, they should [better] balance between study and relaxation[. Besides[ studying, schools should give children or student a reasonable time to relax and play outside so that they could get time to know the natural surrounding. {or maybe move the study outside of the classroom? How about more field trips to natural areas to learn about how critical preserving the environment is? I’m not sure we can trust kids to figure this out by just having them play more} Not only changing the lifestyle but also celebrate to remind the importance role of the natural world by holding lots of festivals and carnivals with environmental theme, {this is not a complete sentence or independent clause - maybe “Not only must we change our lifestyle, but we must also celebrate to remind busy citizens of the important role of …”} [Not] only will [this] get people to remember the meaning of the event and connect with others, [tourists] will be attracted to come and make benefit for the local and the economy at the same time. {be careful not to get sidetracked - the prompt is not at all about tourism or economy, it is only about teaching people about the natural world}

In conclusion, it is clear that [there] are various reasons for the lack of understanding about nature[. Luckily,] with proper solutions, people will keep in mind the world they are living in. {try to have at least two sentences in your conclusion}

kelvincumberbatch · April 23, 2019, 9:36am

Luschen:

Hi, I thought your overall format for this prompt was good - you correctly gave the reasons in one paragraph and the solutions in a second paragraph. Your reasons were pretty good, but you need to do a better job of connecting them with the main idea of the prompt. Be sure to explain how each solution will teach people about the importance of the natural world. Also, be careful not to get sidetracked with other benefits - stick to what the prompt is specifically asking. Your writing was clear, but there were some places where you could have phrased your words a little more elegantly. Also, you had some comma splice run-on sentences throughout your essay. Here are some specific suggestions:

kelvincumberbatch:

In a materialistic society like nowadays, people tend to look toward the benefits {“benefits” of what? of a particular action? This seems vague} without concern about the [negatives] that it brings ~~back~~ . The result is an ignorance about the important role of the natural world that is surrounding them. {oh, I thought the result is that we waste too much time on Instagram! } There are a number of reasons behind this phenomenon and several solutions should be adopted by governments and individuals to tackle the situation.

First, there are two primary reasons why the important role played by the natural world surrounding us are being ignored. {this is too repetitive of your sentence in the introduction - maybe “… reasons why the average citizen tends to discount how critical nature and the environment are in his or her life.”} One reason is that we don’t have the time and mind to pay [attention] to the subject. We - {no dash here} humans, are caught in a busy lifestyle, [whether being] obligated to stay all day in an office or working at home, [therefore\ we don’t have much time to bother to care about anything else besides our own business. For children and those who are still [pursuing] education, [the] school system [forces] them to sit in classes for 8 {write out numbers less than 20 in formal essays} hours or more in a day [with their head stuck in books, thus] ~~just to stick their head in books,~~ they hardly have [time] to play outside and acknowledge the natural world ~~around them.~~ [outside their classroom walls] {this sounds a little nicer and less repetitive} Furthermore, festivals and carnivals [focussing on] {“about” is ok, but this might be better} nature such as spring or harvest celebrations [have] disappeared over time. [As a result, the] Young generation these days [is not interested] in the natural world anymore, instead, they become distracted or even [addicted to] social media and modern tech. {ah, I knew you would end up talking about Instagram! }

Fortunately, several measures could be taken to prevent this problem. The first solution would be to encourage people to volunteer in environmental work[. Companies] should make a regulation [requiring] ~~to send~~ {or “should make a concerted effort to send some …”} some of the employees to sign up for environment [protection projects] at their local [workplaces.] {or better, “projects in their local communities”} People themselves can voluntarily take part in these events to gain some life experiences and get connected more with ~~others~~ [nature] {I think you need to tie this in to the prompt a little closer - stress that these projects will force people to actually get outside, to interact with nature, and by helping the environment they will become more knowledgeable about its importance} As for the school system, they should [better] balance between study and relaxation[. Besides[ studying, schools should give children or student a reasonable time to relax and play outside so that they could get time to know the natural surrounding. {or maybe move the study outside of the classroom? How about more field trips to natural areas to learn about how critical preserving the environment is? I’m not sure we can trust kids to figure this out by just having them play more} Not only changing the lifestyle but also celebrate to remind the importance role of the natural world by holding lots of festivals and carnivals with environmental theme, {this is not a complete sentence or independent clause - maybe “Not only must we change our lifestyle, but we must also celebrate to remind busy citizens of the important role of …”} [Not] only will [this] get people to remember the meaning of the event and connect with others, [tourists] will be attracted to come and make benefit for the local and the economy at the same time. {be careful not to get sidetracked - the prompt is not at all about tourism or economy, it is only about teaching people about the natural world}

In conclusion, it is clear that [there] are various reasons for the lack of understanding about nature[. Luckily,] with proper solutions, people will keep in mind the world they are living in. {try to have at least two sentences in your conclusion}

Dear teacher,

I really appreciate your help.
Best Regards,