IELTS Writing task 2:managing money( new)

[kelvincumberbatch]

Dear teacher,

Please help me check my IELTS Writing task 2.

Task 2: High school students are usually not good at managing money. What are the reasons? What are the solutions?

It is true that managing money is mostly a big problem with high school students who lack of instructions in using money from both parent and school. There are a number of reasons behind this view and several solutions that should be adopted to improve the situation.

There are primary reasons why many students in high school do not have abilities to manage their money. The shortage of financial management skills stems from the lack of instructions as to using money from parents and schools that leads to a fact that the students would waste of money on completely useless things like playing video games, drinking alcohol, and sort of things. In terms of responsible of parents, they mainly focus on how to try to afford their children adequately through giving them money to let them can get their desire things and entirely do not require their children to take any responsibilities for using money. In terms of educating financial management skills from high schools, most of high schools even do not teach the valuable skills for their students. Instead of that, they usually tend to spend many times teaching core subjects that may not be useful in real life.

Fortunately, there are measures should be taken to address this problem. As for parents, an easy solution is that the high school students should be received monthly financial aids, along with reminds and advices about using money efficiently from parents. As for high schools, if they could add some engaging subjects related to managing money, their students would have clear knowledge of control spending, which helps them can become financially stable people.

In conclusion, there are various reasons for lack of skill in managing money, and steps need to be taken to tackle this problem.

[Luschen]

Hi I think you addressed the prompt correctly and gave good causes and solutions in your body paragraphs. You have a lot of odd sounding sentences though and quite a lot of repetition in phrases and sentence structure. Plus, you have some phrases that are not in the correct part of the sentence, so it is unclear what word the phrases are modifying. Always try to put a phrase as close as possible to the word it is modifying. Here are some specific suggestions:

@kelvincumberbatch

It is true that managing money is mostly {this “mostly” is confusing - is is mostly big, or is is a big problem mostly among high school students?} a big problem with high school students who lack [instruction] in using money from both [parents] and school. {this sounds too much like a specific reason - do not give reasons in your introduction, save them for your body paragraphs} There are a number of reasons behind this view and several solutions that should be adopted to improve the situation.

There are [several] primary reasons why many students in high school do not have [the ability] to manage their money. [First,] {after your topic sentence, I expected to read the first primary reason, but this reason is not explained that clearly here}The shortage of financial management skills stems from the lack of instructions [for how to use] money from parents and schools {is the money from parents and schools? That’s what it sounds like you are saying} that leads to a fact that the students would waste of money on completely useless things like playing video games, drinking alcohol, and [similar sorts of activities] {avoid using “things” be more specific and creative} {this sentence was not well organized}. In terms of [the responsibility] of parents, they mainly focus on how to try to afford [spoil] their children adequately through giving them money to let them can get their desire things [have their heart’s desire] and entirely do not require their children to take any responsibilities [at all] for using money [wisely]. In terms of {this "in terms of " is repetitive} educating [high school students in] financial management skills from high schools, most of high schools even do not [even] teach [these] valuable skills [to] their students. Instead of that, they usually tend to spend [most of the school day] teaching core subjects that may not be useful in real life.

Fortunately, there are measures [that] should be taken to address this problem. As for parents, an easy solution is that the high school students should be received [receive a] monthly financial aids, [allowance] {“financial aid” sounds like it would come from the government, not from parents} along with [reminders and advice] about using money efficiently from parents. As for {this “as for” is repetitive} high schools, if they could add some engaging subjects related to managing money, their students would have clear knowledge of [how to] control spending, which [will help them] become financially stable people.

In conclusion, there are various reasons for [teenagers’] lack of skill in managing money, [both centered around parents and school]. [Luckily,] steps[, including parental guidance and financial courses, can] be taken to tackle this problem. {adding a short summary like this and expanding your conclusion to two sentences will provide a complete conclusion paragraph}

[kelvincumberbatch]

Dear teacher,
Thank you very much.