[ielts writing task 2]job

Please give me some comments. Thanks a lot
Some people think that all teenagers should be required to do unpaid work in their free time to help the local community. They believe that would benefit both the individuals and society as a whole
My essay: It is true that all youngsters should contribute to the general public by taking part in volunteer work in their leisure time. While I held onto the notion that this would benefit both teenagers and the community, I do not consider that such unpaid work should be compulsory.
On the one hand, there are two underlying benefits of encouraging children to do unpaid work. On an individual level, voluntary work experience allows teenagers to enhance their resume when they apply for a university scholarship later in life. For example, extra-curricular activities such as volunteer work and internship jobs put students who want to gain a scholarship in American Universities at a huge advantage. In addition, students who do volunteer work enthusiastically would be shining examples for the young generation in supporting and helping the poor and the disabled in society. Obviously with mental and financial supports people who are struggling with considerable difficulties and hardships would have better lives. In turn, the community would be better if all citizens know how to share their love with others.
On the other hand, I disagree that youngsters should be forced to do unpaid work. Firstly, most young people are already under enough pressure with their studies, without being given the added responsibility of working in their spare time. In other words, if these students are obliged to do volunteer work, they would not have enough private time to develop hobbies and interests, to take up a sport, which would help them melt away all the tension and enjoy uplifting moments. Moreover, compelling students who are not willing to work on a volunteer basis goes against the values of a free and fair society. That leads to resentment and resistance amongst young people since they feel that they do not have a right to pursue their dreams and take part in outdoor activities for which they have a deep passion.
In conclusion, although I accept that working as volunteers can be beneficial for both teenagers and society, I disagree that we should make this compulsory.

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Hi Thu Bui, I think you did an excellent job with this essay. You got off to a little bit of a rocky start - see my comments below. But your body paragraphs were very strong and addressed the prompt very well. You did a good job of showing how volunteering helps both the individual and society, which is an important part of the prompt. Then you made it extremely clear what your opinion is and supported it well with concrete examples. Your conclusion was a bit short though - I think some graders really want to see a minimum of two sentences per paragraph. Here are some other suggestions:

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Hi Luschen,
Thanks for your useful comments but I have two question for my writing exercise

  1. In the first body, I have 2 main ideas. The second idea is that students who are willing to do unpaid work are shinning examples for young generations => after, the poor or the disabled would have better life => there is a better community in which everyone can be happy.
    To sum up, I support the idea by giving a positive consequence to the community. Is it not clear?
  2. You said that the pharse "melt away all the tension and enjoy uplifting moments " is not fit the tone of paragraph. I do not understand what you mean since I struggle with choosing the collocation.
    Please give me answers for these questions. Thanks a lot
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Hi Thu Bui, thanks for your questions.

1 . Usually in a paragraph we will give a reason and then follow that reason with an example or an explanation. Here I think you have followed your reason - “Students who do unpaid work are examples” - with another, different reason - “Volunteer work helps improve the lives of the poor and disabled.” This is also valid, but the connection between this and the reason it is trying to explain or illustrate is not clear to me. You gave your reason, “Students who do unpaid work are examples”, so now I want to learn more about this reason or see an illustration of this in action, but instead you seem to move on to a different reason, “The poor will benefit”. This seems like an abrupt shift, and I am left wondering, “What about youth serving as examples? Did I miss something?” Compare it to this:

In addition, students who do volunteer work enthusiastically would be shining examples for the young generation in supporting and helping the poor and the disabled in society. Siblings and classmates will notice when their peers help people who are struggling with considerable difficulties and hardships to have better lives. In turn, the entire community will improve as all citizens learn from these exemplars of service how to share their love with others.

See in my rewrite, the entire section focuses on “students serving as examples”. I follow your sentence by explaining how this takes place - classmates see their peers volunteering, and then I give what the final result of this will be - everyone learning from these examples and helping everyone else.

Of course, you could instead focus on helping the poor and disadvantaged. In that case, you could revise the end of the paragraph to:

In addition, students who do volunteer work play vital roles in supporting and helping the poor and the disabled in society. Obviously with the mental and financial supports provided by young volunteers, people who are struggling with considerable difficulties and hardships would have better lives. In turn, the community as a whole would be better since an entire generation of dedicated givers are sharing their love with others.

See, now the whole focus is on the help volunteers can give to the poor and disadvantaged. I follow the first sentence by clarifying what help the volunteers can provide, and I end with a sentence giving the final result of all this help to the poor.

I guess my main point is that your reasons need to be specific and each reason must be developed before moving on to the next reason.

  1. “melt away all the tension and enjoy uplifting moments” sounds like something from an advertisement - “With the new Supra-Relaxo vibrating triple-head massager, you can melt away all the tension and enjoy uplifting moments.” It seems like a big promise for just playing a sport. And the benefits of playing a sport are not even supposed to be the main focus in this prompt. So by using such flowery language to discuss a secondary topic here, it sounds odd to me.
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