IELTS Writing task 2: Health problems

[Haru]

_Dear teachers, _

_First of all, thank you so much for correcting my essay in the last week. It was really helpful for me. I revised my essay again and again tried not to repeat the mistakes. _

And today, I come back with another topic about health problems. Please check the essay and give me some feedback. Thank you so much and have a nice day <3

Topic: In some countries the average weight of people in increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing.

What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?

My essay:

It is obvious that humans’ lifestyles have changed drastically over time and led to the negative consequences in health. Although these results have happened for various reasons, there is a range of solutions that can be adopted to handle health issues.

There are several reasons why people are more overweight and more weakly than they were in the past. The first reason is that many people nowadays have an unhealthy diet. This causes an increase in health problems. People have a tendency to rely on fast food or pre-prepared meals like fried chickens or hamburgers. These foods are usually convenient to take away and have a reasonable price, but often contain too much fat, salt and sugar, which are not good for our health and cause obesity, diabetes or heart diseases. Secondly, today, most people lead a sedentary lifestyle. They tend to walk less and do desk jobs. Adults prefer to relax by watching television and children play video games rather than doing outdoor sport. As a result, these people are more likely to be at risk of diseases and their physical health also tend to be exacerbated.

However, the issue mentioned above is not intractable, there are many different ways to deal with. The simplest measure would be that individuals should do regular exercise and have a balanced diet. Doing exercise regularly not only contributes to weight loss but also helps to build healthy bones and muscles. Similarly, a healthy diet also helps us to stay away from illness and overweight. For example, my mother is in her mid - 40s, but her body still stays in shape and she is rarely ill because she does yoga and eats clean on a daily basis. Another solution is that governments should make an effort to reduce obesity and improve health of society. This is because authorities are able to control and have a huge amount of influence on large residents. They need to increase public awareness of health risks and encourage individuals to do exercise more frequently. Also, advertising of unhealthy foods should be controlled and display warnings.

In conclusion, health risks are attributable to several factors and can be tackled by the above mentioned solutions.

[Luschen]

Hi Haru, I enjoyed your latest essay. I think you have addressed the topic well and your two body paragraph format is correct for this prompt type. Your writing is very clear and easy to follow. I have suggested a few places where you could use additional transitions, but you do have pretty good transition phrases in other parts of your essay. Here are some additional comments:

@Haru

It is obvious that humans’ lifestyles have changed drastically over time[, which has] led to the negative consequences in health[, including increased obesity and a lack of physical fitness]. {“in terms of health” sounds better, or “negative health consequence”} Although these results {this sounds a bit odd, maybe because “results” is too positive a word - maybe “detrimental effects”} have happened for various reasons, there is a range of solutions that can be adopted to handle health issues.

There are several reasons why people are more overweight and [weaker] more weakly than they were in the past. The first reason is that many people nowadays have an unhealthy diet[, resulting in] {yours was ok, but this shows more variety in sentence structures} an increase in health problems. [For instance,] {try to use transitions like this to help your sentences flow better} People have a tendency to rely on fast food or pre-prepared meals like fried [chicken] or hamburgers. These foods are usually convenient to take away and have a reasonable price, but often contain too much fat, salt and sugar, which are not good for our health and cause obesity, diabetes or heart diseases. Secondly, today, most people lead a sedentary lifestyle. They tend to walk less and do desk jobs. Adults prefer to relax by watching television and children play video games rather than doing outdoor [sports]. As a result, these people are more likely to be at risk of diseases and their physical health also tend to be exacerbated. {this is incorrect here - the problems are exacerbated, not the health itself}

However, the issue mentioned above is not intractable[;] there are many different ways to deal with [it]. The simplest measure would be that individuals should do regular exercise and have a balanced diet. Doing exercise regularly not only contributes to weight loss but also helps to build healthy bones and muscles. Similarly, a healthy diet also helps us to stay away from {“stay away from” sounds a bit odd in this context} illness and [avoid becoming] overweight. For example, my mother is in her mid - 40s, but her body still stays in shape {this sounds odd, as though her body is separate from her} and she is rarely ill because she does yoga and eats clean {“eats clean” is incorrect - maybe “eats organic food” or “eats healthy food”} on a daily basis. Another solution is that governments should make {“Another solution is for governments to make” sounds better to me} an effort to reduce obesity and improve [the] health of society. This is because authorities are able to control and have a huge amount of influence on large residents.{“large residents” sounds odd - I guess you mean “overweight” or “obese”? And don’t they have a big influence on everyone, not just fat people? } They need to increase public awareness of health risks and encourage individuals to do exercise more frequently. Also, advertising of unhealthy foods should be controlled and display warnings [diplayed]. {this is more parallel}

In conclusion, health risks are attributable to several factors and can be tackled by the above mentioned solutions. {try to expand this into at least two sentences to avoid a one-sentence paragraph}

[Haru]

Dear Luschen, thank you so much for your advice
In this sentence:

@Luschen

This is because authorities are able to control and have a huge amount of influence on large residents.{“large residents” sounds odd - I guess you mean “overweight” or “obese”? And don’t they have a big influence on everyone, not just fat people?

I mean that governments have a big influence on every one

Btw, do you feel that my introduction and my conclusion contain empty phrases or sentences? There are some friends comment like that and this confused me