IELTS Writing task 2:financial support to creative artists

[kelvincumberbatch]

Dear teacher,

Please help me check my IELTS Writing task 2 essay.

Thank you,
Some people think that governments should give financial support to creative artists such as painters and musicians. Others believe that creative artists should be funded by alternative sources. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

While a number of people believe that creative artists like painters and musicians should receive financial aid from governments, other people argue that there still have alternative supports from many different sources. Personally, I completely believe that the creative artists deserve financial support from many sources, but not from governments.

It is true that musicians and painters are talented and creative. On the one hand, these artists make a great contribution to our colourful life because their artworks could talk and represent for realistic life’s aspects from economy, education, politic to culture and many other aspects. Indeed, the artworks imply on our real lifestyles. Furthermore, these objects help us think about problems around our life and force us deal with the problems like pollution or education. Besides that, the artworks could be the symbol of nations. Thanks to these artists, the ethic culture of nations could become well-kwon from far to wide areas, which would contribute to some extent to the improvement of national tourism.

However, the artworks are not really necessary, without them we still live well. There are some reasons why the artists should not be funded financial support from governments. Firstly, there are many problems which need a huge investments from national budgets such as education, armies, technology, agriculture, and sort of problems. In addition, our life definitely is very chaotic without police officers, doctors and soldiers who clearly play an important role in our life. Therefore, instead of giving financial aid to the artists, governments should invest in healthcare systems, armies and other needs. Besides that, government could encourage people help the musicians and the painters via establishing a social art communities as a efficient way to allow the artists to sell their artworks and meet a living.
(Should I mention some other ways to support artists rather than giving them finances?)
In conclusion, although both views have some validity it seems to me that it is better to fund the creative artists via alternative supports.

[Luschen]

Hi, I think you have done a pretty good job here, although it looks like you did not finish your conclusion. You have some good ideas, but I would be more specific as to how you thing artists should be supported. Your essay was a little less convincing because you make such a strong case for why artists are so important. It might have been more in line with your thesis if you said that art really isn’t that important and so does not deserve government support. Your writing is pretty clear, but you do have a few odd sounding phrases. Here are some specific suggestions:

@kelvincumberbatch

While a number of people believe that creative artists like painters and musicians should receive financial aid from governments, [others] argue that [these artistic creators] still have alternative [support] from many different sources. Personally, I completely believe that the creative artists deserve financial support from many sources, but not from governments.

It is true that musicians and painters are talented and creative. On the one hand, these artists make a great contribution to our colourful [lives] because their artworks could talk [to our hearts] and [realistically] represent for realistic life’s aspects [of life] from economy, education, [and politics] to culture and many other aspects. Indeed, the artworks [reflect] our real lifestyles. Furthermore, these objects [of art] help us think about problems around our [lives] and force us [to] deal with [significant] problems like pollution or education. Besides that, the artworks could [become] the [symbols] of nations. Thanks to these artists, the [ethnic] culture of nations could become [well-known] from far [and] wide areas, which would contribute to some extent to the improvement of national tourism.

However, the artworks are not really necessary[;] without them we still live well. There are some reasons why the artists should not be funded [with] financial support from governments. Firstly, there are many problems which need a huge investments from national budgets such as education, armies, technology, agriculture, and [similar sorts] of problems. In addition, our [lives would] definitely [be] very chaotic without police officers, doctors and soldiers who clearly play an important role in our [lives]. {this “lives” is very repetitive} Therefore, instead of giving financial aid to the artists, governments should invest in healthcare systems, armies and other needs. Besides that, government could encourage people [to] help the musicians and the painters [by] establishing a social art communities as a efficient way to allow the artists to sell their artworks and [earn] a living.
(Should I mention some other ways to support artists rather than giving them finances?) {Your two main points are good - that other concerns should come before supporting artists and that artists can be supported through other means than government support. I am still not sure of the alternative support you are advocating here}
In conclusion, although both views have some validity it seem {you have not finished your conclusion}

[kelvincumberbatch]

Dear teacher,

Thank you very much,