Please help me check this IELTS writing task 2 essay- Discussion.
The use of social media, such as Facebook and Twitter, is
replacing face-to-face contact in this century. Do you think the advantages of
this outweigh the disadvantages?
Social media such as Facebook , Twitter is replacing face-to-face contact in people’s everyday lives. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages.
Our daily approaches of having a direct conversation are being altered by some social-oriented companies such as Facebook or Twitter . There are many controversial issues about this phenomenon , and I do believe that its benefits overmatch any drawbacks.
It appears that the idea of reducing the social interaction’s ability is highly considered when people fasten their eyes on the black mirror, especially in social media. These ritual habits could lead to a number of diseases such as major depressive disorder or even autism if thing goes from bad to worse. A part from that, the data transmission of Internet also brings about severe consequences due to deep web and insecure access. As an example, Mark Zukerberg had a bad reputation for leaking million records of user’s information.
However, everything has two sides of it, it can be denying that we received global network as a gift to stimulate social media , whose efficency and fast response exposing us to world of knowledge and information. It’s also a place where several companies expand their large-scale business into online shopping and the bulk of products could be given to consumer’s hands. Furthermore, to facilitate the upside, the way of setting aside too much time must be confessed by narrowing it down and using it like a tool .
To sum up, social media is an intimate haunt where we could access and gain lots of precious knowledge in spite of bad results. As long as not depending too much, the area of digital communication is worth it.
Hi, I think your friend needs to focus more on the advantages. This essay seems pretty evenly divided between the advantages and the disadvantages, thus it is not as convincing as it might be.
If you want to mention the disadvantages, it is better to show why they are not very important or relevant. You have stated some strong disadvantages, but not shown why I should ignore them. Your meaning is pretty clear throughout your writing, but you have a lot of odd sounding and unnatural sentences. Here are some specific suggestions: