Ielts Writing: Can anyone correct and score my writing, please?


#1

Some people believe that teaching children at home is best for a child’s development while others think that it is important for children to go to school. Discuss the advantages of both methods and give your own opinion.

People tend to hold disputable viewpoints about the most effective methods of education. While some people find the idea of homeschools really practical, I argue that going to conventional schools beneficially affects children’s life in many ways. In what follows, I will elaborate on the both standpoints and substantiate why I believe in this way.
From one point of view, having private tutors at home, juveniles are likely to learn subjects more efficiently, for they teacher allocate more time to them and evaluate their strengths and weaknesses more precisely. Besides, lack of distractions made by a bunch of students enables parents to train their children more positively in terms of behavioral issues. This attitude leads to relatively more polite, persistent and prosperous adults who have a chance to obtain brighter career prospect in the future.
Turning to the other side of the argument, I suppose, schools provide the opportunity for pupils to deal with a host of people from various family backgrounds. They would not only broaden their horizons towards fundamental issues like gender, race, religion but also develop their social skills such as being a team member in group activities or striving for shared goals in school competitions. In other words, those attending school programs promote the sense of being socialized and one part of a community as a whole. Therefore, they could encounter social problems more smoothly rather than the ones learning in an isolated area. That is why I firmly suggest that children be enrolled in conventional schools.
To wrap it up, although I can understand why some people are inclined towards this opinion that Homeschooling has their children be successful, it seems to me that undeniable benefits of common schools facilitate them to develop more prominent skills which could assist them to grow both individually and socially.


#2

Sorry my internet has been down for the last five days. As soon as I get it back I will comment on your essay!


#3

Hi Parisa, I think you have addressed the prompt well. You gave the advantages of both methods, but to me it is not that clear why you chose traditional schools over homeschooling. I think you should go into a little more detail about which particular aspects most influenced your opinion. Your essay has good explanations, but I think adding specific examples would make your arguments even more clear. Overall, you writing generally sounds quite natural, but you do have a few awkward sounding words and phrases. Here are some specific comments:


#4

Thank you very much dear Luschen. I really appreciate your response. your comment was really helpful, and another tutor mentioned these points as well. Wish you luck.