Ielts test 2: please give me some advices, thank you ^^

Topic: some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Education is of the leading concern which forms a good person in the society. It is believed that children disciplined by their parents become good citizens. However, some others argue that school is an ideal place to teach them. Personally, I am of the notion that parents have significant effects on the discipline of a child.

Firstly, mothers and fathers are people who give their children educational background. That is because children’s manners, performances, characteristics are formed by their parents. Besides, the daily performances of the parents directly impacts on the behaviors of their children. For example, if parents usually express their thankfulness and apologize in their daily circumstances, their boys or daughters shall make a sense of the importance of obeying and easy to say sorry or thanks to their friends, teachers, or other people.

Moreover,children spend most of their time with parents. So that, mothers and fathers find it easier to discipline their children. They are likely to observe their children’s behaviors to appoint what they should do or what they should not do and guide them to study efficiently.

On the other hand, it can not deny that a school is a vital place that provides the students with academic knowledge. In term of various subjects offered at the school, it creates opportunities to help students to broaden their horizon in the society.

In conclusion, the family is an important union that decide if the child is a model person of the public. Consequently, parents should spend more time on being liable for educating their children

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Hi Rynana, welcome to the forum. Remember that “advice” is always singular - I am happy to give you some advice. I think your essay needs to address the two sides a little more evenly. Remember this is “discuss both views” essay, so make sure that you fully discuss both sides of the issue. Your ideas are good, but your grammar and vocabulary errors make it hard to follow a lot of your arguments. It also seemed like you might have been running out of time, since each paragraph seems to get shorter and shorter. For this essay prompt you could probably get by with only four paragraphs - an intro, paragraph 1 to discuss the importance of parents, paragraph 2 to discuss the importance of school, and a conclusion that includes your personal opinion on the issue. Here are some other suggestions:

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Thank you so much for your advice!
i will try to correct my mistakes.

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