IELTS task 2- Topic : Independence

ielts
#1

Please help me review my IELTS essay. Thanks !

Topic: Some people think that in the mordern world we are more dependent on each other, while others think that people has become more independent. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

My essay:
People have different views about whether we are more or less dependent on others nowadays. In my opinion, thanks to the modernsation of the world, we are more independent than people were in the past.
On the one hand, there are reasons why it could be argued that we are more reliant on each other now First, life is complex and difficult, especially, the cost of living has increased so dramatically. For example, young adults tend to depend on their parents for help when buying a house. Because property prices are higher than ever, if without help, it would be impossible for many people to pay a deposit and a mortgage. Second, people seem to be more ambitious nowadays ,they want a better quality life for their families. So, both parents usually need to work full-time and they depend on their support from grandparents and babysitters for childcare.
On the other hand, I would agree with those who believe that we are more independent these days .Some people think that the dependence on others will waste of time and delay the work. Also, becoming independent will increase confidence to face the difficult situation and it helps in enhancing decision-making skills. For example, many parents often encourage their children to study abroad instead of going to the local university because this experience makes them understand the outside environment, help in building their self-confidence when they learn to live alone. In addition, thanks to the great popularity of the internet allows us to work alone and from any part of the world.
In conclusion, while there are some reasons to believe that we are more reliant on each other, my own view is that we are more independent than ever.

Best regards,

Thao Quy

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#2

Hi Thao Quy, welcome to the forum. I’m sorry it has taken me so long to get to your essay, as I have been on vacation. I thought your writing was quite good. I think for this type of prompt though, it is better to give two objective body paragraphs where you describe the two sides, and then give your specific opinion in a third paragraph, which can be combined with your conclusion. Still, your essay is well-organized and easy to follow. Your second body paragraph seemed to focus on the benefits of being more independent rather than sticking to the prompt’s question of whether people actually are more independent. Also make sure to support your statements with explanations and/or examples. You toss out that dependence might waste time, but you don’t really give any data, support, or justification for this.
Also, watch out for your run-on sentences. You cannot just connect two independent clauses with a comma. You have to use a semicolon or a conjunction. Here are some other suggestions:

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#3

Hi Luschen,

I really appreciate your help. I just revised my second body paragraph to make sense from the prompt’s question of whether people accually are more independent. Can you take a look and give me your opinion? Thanks.

On the other hand, I would agree with those who believe that we are more independent these days. Parents in the modern world often tend to educate their children how to take care of themselves from childhood since both parents seem to be busy with their work. Later in life, young people have more freedom to make their choices and live far away from their home towns. For example, many students choose to study abroad instead of going to local university, and this experience makes them self-confidence when they learn to live alone. Another reason is that, thanks to the great popularity of the internet, we are able to work alone and take advantage of modern tools and devices to make of our owns.

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#4

Hi, I think it is a big improvement, but I still have some suggestions :slight_smile:

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#5

Hi Luschen,

Well-noted with thanks. Please help me review another essay as below:

Topic:

There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

My essay:

It is true that a rich variety of musical styles can be found around the world. Music is a vital part of all human cultures for a range of reasons and I would believe that the traditional music is more important than the international music.

First of all, no one can deny that music has a big role in everyone’s life. First, it inspires us, relaxes our mind, lets us forget our anxiety and intension. For example, a person got stressed and tired when he is working and music can act as the magic to remove his tiredness. In addition, listening music is the best way to awake people when they are driving a long distance. Second, music with rich lyrics can enhance our intellectual level and it is true that a person can be judged by the style of music he listens to. Finally, music is a global language which connects people, inspires us and creates a unique form of entertainment that is not only refreshing but also educational.

In my opinion, traditional music should be valued over the international music that has become so popular. International music is often catchy and fun, but it is essentially a commercial product that it is marketed and sold by business people. While traditional music expresses the culture, customs and history of a country. For example, classical music, connects us to the past and form part of our cultural identity. It would be a real pity if pop music became so predominant that these natural styles face the risks of being neglected.

In conclusion, music is a necessary part of human existence , and I believe that traditional music should be given more important than international music as it helps survive good values and traditions of a country.

1 Like
#6

Hi, if you don’t mind, could you post this in a new thread? It makes it much easier for other users to search for specific essay topics.

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#7

Hi Luschen,

Sure. Thanks for your remind. ^.^

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#8

Thanks for your reminder. Or: Thanks for reminding me.

#9

And I still don’t see your essay reposted.

1 Like
#10

Hi Luschen,

I just posted my essay. Please help me review.

Thanks!

1 Like