IELTS task 2 New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time

[kelvincumberbatch]

Dear teacher,
I am going to have an IELTS exam soon. Could you revise my IELTS essay? Thank you very much.

New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time.
Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

Technology has completely changed virtually our life over the past few decades. One of the differences that have been noticeable is the change in the way that children play and interact with each other. Although technology does provide many positive benefits, it also can have several negative issues on child development.

On the one hand, there are two drawbacks when let children contact with technology very much. Firstly, they do not get as much exercise as they used to because technology such as smartphones, computers, televisions encourage them to be sedentary when they get home from school. As a result, many kids oppose to going outside and playing with other kids. They are heavily reliant on technology for entertainment purposes. Secondly, technology can also affect the way kids process information . When kids learn the new concept, they tend to think through things superficially because of being exposed to high levels of technology.

On the other hand, I believe that the benefits are more significant than such disadvantages. One reason for this view is that technology enhances learning. For example, instead of reading from historical books, children today could step into virtual reality and experience historical events. That left them with vivid memories instead of words on pages. Another reason is that technology allows for creativity and freedom of expression. Technology provides tools to get children’s big imagination out because they now have computers, tablets, and so much more to help them turn such thoughts into reality.

In conclusion, technology provides tons of positive opportunities for learning, entertaining, and socializing, but it should be monitored and used appropriately.

[Luschen]

Hi Kelvin, welcome to the forum. I think you are definitely on the right track with this essay.
Your introduction has a very good structure and your essay addresses the prompt well.
I thought the end of your first body paragraph was pretty weak, and you even contradict it yourself in the following paragraph. Your grammar is pretty good, but you do have some odd or awkward sounding phrases and a few mistakes here and there. Here are some suggestions:

@kelvincumberbatch

Technology has completely changed virtually our [entire lives] over the past few decades. One of the differences that [has] been noticeable is the change in the way that children play and interact with each other. Although technology does provide many positive benefits [for young people], {this makes it more clear that you will be focused entirely on children} it also can have several negative issues on child development.

On the one hand, there are two drawbacks when [to letting] children [have] contact with {this is correct grammatically now, but it would imply that not letting children come in contact with technology is possible, which is not really realistic - maybe say something like drawbacks to technology playing such an outsized role in children’s lives} technology very much. Firstly, they do not get as much exercise as they used to because technology such as smartphones, computers, [and] televisions encourage them to be sedentary when they get home from school. As a result, many kids [are opposed] to going outside and playing with other kids. {maybe “with their schoolmates” to avoid repetition of “kids”} [Furthermore / In short/ In other words,] {be sure to use plenty of transition phrases - it was a little unclear how this sentence should relate to the one before it} They are heavily reliant on technology for entertainment purposes. Secondly, technology can also affect the way kids process information . When kids learn [a ] new concept, they tend to think through things superficially because of being exposed to high levels of technology. {this is not really persuasive to me - you need to explain the cause and effect. If this were true, technology like power point presentations would not be used to introduce new concepts at school}

On the other hand, I believe that the benefits are more significant than such disadvantages. One reason for this view is that technology enhances learning. For example, instead of reading from historical books, children today could step into virtual reality and experience historical events. [High-tech educational advances like this leave] That left them with vivid memories instead of [just] words on pages. Another [plus] {you are not really giving reasons here, but benefits or advantages or positive aspects} is that technology allows for creativity and freedom of expression. Technology provides tools to get children’s big imagination out {“get one’s imagination out” sounds pretty odd - maybe “tools to foster children’s inherent imagination”} because they now have computers, tablets, and so much more to help them turn [their vivid] thoughts {“such” doesn’t work here because you did not really name the specific thoughts} into reality.

In conclusion, technology provides tons of positive opportunities for learning, entertaining, and socializing, but it should be monitored and used appropriately. {this conclusion was a little short for a paragraph - try to have at least two, or better three, sentences per paragraph

[kelvincumberbatch]

Thank you very much, teacher.