[IELTS] Please kindy check and rate my essay, Thank you

[Paijin]

Please help me to check and evaluate my essay. Thank you:D

Topic : Some people think visitors to others countries should imitate local customs and behaviours. Some people disagree; they think the host country should welcome cultural differences. Discuss the two views and give your opinion.

One of benefits from globalization is making short distances between countries around the world so that it brings about a lot of foreign visitors into host countries. In the same time, there is a conflict between newcomers and local states that it is whether or not for the visitors to follow local customs and behavior. This essay will look at some of the arguments and relevant examples on this issue.
To begin with, a reason that why we should follow the local traditions and manner, it is obvious that if a new visitor wants to survive in the inexperienced city, he/she needs to do some preparations, such as learning a few local words for convenient in communication, knowing some tradition that prevent from misunderstanding in different customs. These are some basic that help the visitors to blend with the local places. For example, a western traveler needs to learn a few Chinese words when he/she travels at china, because it will help to make friendliness and communication in different culture.

On the other hand, the host countries should has intimacy for foreigners who visit their countries. Consequently, some traditions of foreigners should be accepted. For instance, many countries around the world have a Chinese New Year day in their calendar, which represents a respect in other cultures, and also it create harmony in societies. This elaboration in consideration can make a peace between countries.

In conclusion, whether the visitors should follow local traditions and behavior or not, in my opinion it should base on the respect between incomers and local societies. This is a sensitive decision that cam lead to conformity in many countries in the world.

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P.S1 To Mr. Luschen,If you have time please kindly check my rewrite essay about job satisfaction.

P.S2 I hope I will have some development on this essay.

TOEFL listening lectures: A lecture from a physical science class

[Luschen]

Hi, I think your writing is pretty good. You discussed the two views, but I would have liked to read more about your personal opinion and why you feel that way. I think more specific examples in this essay would be good - your examples were the best part and more would be better. I do think you showed better development in this essay. You do have quite a few grammatical errors, some awkward sentences and some poor word choices. Overall, I would rate this a band 5.

@Paijin

Please help me to check and evaluate my essay. Thank you:D

Topic : Some people think visitors to others countries should imitate local customs and behaviours. Some people disagree; they think the host country should welcome cultural differences. Discuss the two views and give your opinion.

One of benefits from globalization is making short[er the] {it was ok before, but this sounds a bit better} distances between countries around the world so that it brings about a lot of foreign visitors {it doesn’t really “bring about foreign visitors” but instead “brings about foreigners visiting distant countries” or you just say “brings a lot of foreign visitors”} into host countries. In[At] the same time, there is a conflict between newcomers and local states that it is [as to] whether or not for the visitors to [should] follow local customs and behavior. {this sentence structure is tough for non-native speakers to get correct} This essay will look at some of the arguments and relevant examples on[concerning] this issue.
To begin with, a reason that why we should follow the local traditions and manner[s ],{these clauses do not really work together} it is obvious that if a new visitor wants to survive in the inexperienced city,{“inexperienced city?” you mean a city with which he is inexperienced} he/she needs to do[make] some preparations, such as learning a few local words for convenient[ease] in communication, knowing some tradition[s ] that prevent from misunderstanding in[of] different customs. These are some basic [tips] that help the visitors to blend [in] with the local places. For example, a western traveler needs to learn a few Chinese words when he/she travels at[in] china{cap}, because it will help to make friendliness and communication in different culture. {this example is pretty skimpy, maybe make it more culturally specific}

On the other hand, the host countries should ha[ve] intimacy{intimacy is incorrect, what do you mean?  maybe "leniency" or "acceptance" or "understanding"?} for foreigners who visit their countries. Consequently, some traditions of foreigners should be accepted. For instance, many countries around the world have a Chinese New Year day [s]in[/s][on] their calendar, which represents a respect in other cultures, and also [s]it[/s] create[s ] harmony in{"between" might be better} societies. This elaboration in consideration {"elaboration in consideration" is a bit unclear} can make a peace between countries.

In conclusion, whether the visitors should follow local traditions and behavior or not, in my opinion [s]it[/s] should [be] base[d] on the respect between [s]incomers[/s][newcomers] and local societies. This is a sensitive decision that cam[can] lead to conformity in many countries in the world. {this sounds a bit odd - here in the US conformity is not necessarily a good thing, so maybe that is the source of my misunderstanding}

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P.S1 To Mr. Luschen,If you have time please kindly check my rewrite essay about job satisfaction.

P.S2 I hope I will have some development on this essay.

A lecture from a physical science classTOEFL listening lectures:

[Paijin]

Thank you very much again Mr. Luschen, it because your comments and review that made development in my essay. I will try to write again.

Thank you!

[Paijin]

In addition, many words in this essay that you feel it odd.It because I only tried to use other word, but it seem not suitable in many sentence. However, I really thank you so much for note and correct it.