Hi,
If you like, can you take a look at my short essay?
I think that the environment where we live, is very important for building our personality. Anyway, when you are an adult person you should have the abilty to understand what is better to do. Once you know what are your values, your goals, you should also know if what you’re doing, or maybe you have always done is good. If the answer is not, you must have the power to change yourself.
Thanks in advance.
I think that the environment in which we live, is very important for the development of our personality. Anyway, when you are an adult person you have the ability to understand what is better for you. Once you know your talents and goals, you should also check whether what you’re doing, or, maybe, what you have already done, is good for you. If not, you must be prepared to change yourself.
I think that the environment in which we live has a substantial effect upon how our personalities develop. When you are an adult, you should have the ability to understand what is the most appropriate action for you. Once you know your values and goals, you should also know if what you’re doing now, or have done in the past, is right for you. If the answer is ‘no’, you must be prepared to change.
I don’t think there is a clear link between the opening sentence and the rest of the paragraph.
Hi Bev and T_H_Lawrence, thanks for your attention. Bev, it is not easy to explain what I mean, I’ll explain when I speak English better than now. 
If I got it right, “the environment” in the opening sentence stands for background/origins, in which case you can see a link between it and the rest of the text.
Yes, Eugene, that was what I meant.
I still don’t see a clear link and think you need to make it.
You don’t explain how your background helps you to be able to decide what is best for you.
Well, if Francis doesn’t mind, I would add a couple of linking phrases.
I think that the environment in which we live [our home background] has a substantial effect upon how our personalities develop.
The experience you’ve gained as a child, has a strong effect on decisions you make as an adult. It takes maturity to have the ability to understand what is the most appropriate action for you. Once you know your values and goals, you should also know if what you’re doing now, or have done in the past, is right for you. If the answer is ‘no’, you must be prepared to change.