I need 110+ in TOEFL for MBA! Please correct my essay X(

Hi I’m Satoshi0525, a Japanese who’s studying English.
I’d like you to correct my essay about the topic below, which is from the official guidebook for TOEFL.
This is my second try on TOEFL writing, and I need to get 110+ in total for MBA in England. Since I’m rubbish at writing an essay, I need your help. Thanks in advance :slight_smile:

Do young people enjoy life more than older people do?

I believe, as one of the young people, that we enjoy our life than older people do because we can choose our lives by ourselves. When the older people were young, there were not various options for their lives in terms of schools, job options and marriages etc. Nowadays people are relatively free from a sort of old tradition and lives are becoming more diverse.
First, school systems have changed. When the older people were children, they basically had no choice but to go school in their local area. Since people are sharing their cultural background in a local school, students hardly could found something new. Recently it is not surprising that even 7-year-old boy study abroad. To experience different culture in a young age will help students understand the world and survive in this globalized society when they grow up.
In addition, we have more job options than the older people did. In an old tradition, you had to be peasant if your parents are peasants. Likewise you had to work in a local area and unlikely to get a chance to work abroad. On the contrast, jobs these days are like “anywhere, any kind”, and there is less gender discrimination.
Finally, in the point of marriage, we are no longer enforced by someone to get married with person who we do not really love. My grandmother told me that when she was young, it was not her who chose her husband but it was her family and the community. But nowadays, the freedom of choosing a spouse enables us to find true life-long partners.
Compared with the older age, young people enjoy their lives by choosing it by themselves. Schools are not necessarily local, jobs are not necessarily family business, and your husband does not have to be the one chosen by your community. The freedoms are less restricted than ever.

TOEFL listening discussions: Why is the student talking to the advisor?

Hi,Satoshi , i read the subject and you toefl essay , i feel that you may misunderstand the meaning of subject. i think you need do comment 'do young people enjoy life more than older people ', but not ‘do young people enjoy life more than the older people when they are young’. right?

Ah, you maybe right… sorry X(

i’am also interest to write about this topic , we can try it!

The topic requires you to write if you agree with the statement that young people enjoy more their lives than old people do. You should decide if you agree or not ans support your opinion.

If you agree that young people enjoy more their lives, you should support it with arguments such as “young people play video games, go at clubs and dance, can make easily new friends, get involved with new hobbies etc.” So, old people cannot do such things. Therefore, the young ones enjoy more their lives… Of course with more details and specific examples!

If you agree that the old enjoy more their lives than the young then you should support it by saying that “they don’t have to go at school or work so they have more free time etc”.

However I think that you have more to say about young people…

Try again and post it :wink: It is important to understand the topic because otherwise you may get a score of zero. So, read the topic carefully 3-4 times before starting writing :wink: You need a high score but you can do it if you practice a lot!

Most of young people can not understand how could their grand parents get fun and enjoy the life? because we can hardly imagine that watering folwer, adopting a pet and having a regular time schedul could provide us the same fun as nightclub , bungee jumping and big canival. However, the older people is more happy and enjoyable with their significant intelligence and precious experience in life.
At first, the seniority allow the older people to get through the difficulties easily. because much valuable experience accumutale during their life time, the older people seems more experienced and tolerent to a sudden-happening events. For instance , each time , When I was in trouble and estimate that I could never get though this obstacle. My grand parents always calm me down, then persuade me to check another time and take all the factors in consideration. I think this method is what they do when a accidental events and troubles occur.
Another privilege of the age is that they are surer what kind of choice is more suitable to themselves. this intelligence is acquired naturally and make them wise to chose the best option quickly. My father is a good example. Each time when he take the train, he always avoid the crowed and advise me : never be hurry-up at that time , Even though you are the last person getting on the train, you will have place indicated by the ticket and avoid accidents in maximun. this is totaly right and wise!
In conclusion, the older people enjoy more life with these advantages of age. they live in a lower speed but with much prudence and intelligence. The peace of life deliver them a quite different feeling and altitude.