I need 110+ for MBA! Please correct my essay X(

Hi I’m Satoshi0525, a Japanese who’s studying English.
This is from the official guidebook for TOEFL. And I’d like you to correct my essay about the topic below.
This is my first try on TOEFL writing, and I need to get 110+ in total for MBA in England. Since I’m rubbish at writing an essay, I need your help. Thank you :slight_smile:

Q. Some young adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible. Other young adults prefer to live with their families for a long time. Which of these situation do you think is better.

A.
I believe that the situatin where young adults are trying to be independent from their parents are preferable. There are three main reasons to support my opinion.
First, it is good for young adults themselves because if they rely on their family too much, they can not do anything without them. In our life we sometime confront a situation where we have to make a decisition by ourselves. Epecially when doing business, you may have to negotiate someone with your own idea, or have to deal with some unexpected accidents. Independence from parents helps you improve your ability to think and act by yourself.
Secondly, it is actually good for the parents. Parents can concentrate on their own life and thinking about their future when they are not botherd by the children.
And finally, it is good for the society. In Japan young adults called NEET are becoming a social problem. NEET is a sort of young people who are not willing to work, and completly depend on their family. If young people do not work at all, Japanese economy will be getting slow down in the future.
For the reason mentioned above, the situation where young adults want independence from their parents is better. (205 words)

TOEFL listening lectures: How do botanists define a seed?

Hi, your grammar and vocabulary are quite good. Your introduction and conclusion could use some improvement. Also, try to take more care with your spelling; there were several spelling errors which will affect your score.

Thank you very much for correcting my essay, Luschen! I really appreciate your help.

I accessed to the website you mentioned in the correction, and found it very helpful. I finally got the idea about how essays should be written.
I’ll re-post a corrected version of this essay after I get home and rewrite it, and I’d like you to review it if you don’t mind.

Thanks again.

Satoshi0525

I rewrote this :slight_smile:
Would someone give me a comment on this new version? Thanks in advance.

Q. Some young adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible. Other young adults prefer to live with their families for a long time. Which of these situation do you think is better.

A.
I believe that the situation where young adults are trying to be independent from their parents is preferable. Even though the society is where we are helping with each other, our individual activities are indispensable for its benefit. In particular, they bring about positive effects on young adults themselves, their parents and the society.
First of all, if young adults rely on their families too much, they cannot do anything without them. In our lives we sometime confront a situation where we have to make a decision by ourselves. Especially when doing business, you may have to convince someone of your own idea, or have to deal with some unexpected accidents. Independence from parents helps you improve your ability to think and act by yourself.
Secondly, independence is actually good for the parents. Parents can concentrate on their own life and think about their future when they are not bothered by the children any more. Also, they can save money which was spent on their kids before.
And finally, it is good for the society. In Japan young adults called NEET are becoming a social problem. NEET is a sort of young people who are not willing to work, and completely depend on their family. If young people do not work at all, the Japanese economy will slow down in the future.
In summary, independence of young adults from their parents brings various benefits to our lives. It is young adults who are in charge of making a contribution to society as individual. Therefore, the situation where young adults want independence from their parents is favourable. (266 words)