Hi,plz read my essay and score it,

[Nastaran1990]

There is no doubt that now a days televisions and movies are widespread everywhere. Statistics show that children watch television more than studying. These statistics demonstrate that every person spends 40 percent of his time, watching television or movies. From my perspective television has profoundly affected people’s behavior and even their thoughts,specially young adults, both positively and negatively.

To begin with, TV in conjunction to it’s advertisements and commercials, has , unfortunately, created erroneous desire and need for useless things we really don’t need. For example, recently there are huge amount of advertisements, trying to entice people to buy their products, such as certain drugs ,to loos weight; however, all of these advertisements are mendacious and buying these drugs is not only waste of money, but also danger to our health.

how do movies or televisions influence people’s behavior?

Alternatively, some TV programs and movies, induce harmful thoughts and manners to young adults. Some young boys try to follow characters of movies, in order to show their vagor or in order to attract girls. For example, they may commit to crimes that they have seen in movies. Additionally, some movies , indirectly tempt young adults to smoke or to abuse drugs.

Despite those negative effects of TV, it still has several benevolent and positive features. As an illustration, there are a number of educational programs on TV , teaching how to cook or how to speak in other languages; moreover, it has quite interesting scientifical disscusions and films. Surely, most of us watch news on TV, which helps us to be aware of whatever is going on around the world.

All in all, according to advantages and disadvantages of TV that were mentioned before, in my estimation, TV is a prevalent and amusing entertainer; however , all of us must be aware of it’s harmful features.

Thanks

TOEFL listening discussions: What is the main weakness of the student’s essay?

[Luschen]

Hi, I think this essay is a big improvement. You have a very clear structure with a good thesis and topic sentences. You do have a few word choices that could be improved and some minor punctuation and grammar errors. Remember, no space before commas, one space after them. Also, the possessive of it is its. It’s is the contraction for “it is” and since you shouldn’t use contractions, you should never have an “it’s” in your essay Overall, I would rate this a 4 out of 5.

@Nastaran1990

There is no doubt that now a days[nowadays] televisions{singular is better here I think} and movies are widespread everywhere. Statistics show that children [are] watch[ing] television more than studying. These statistics demonstrate that every person spends 40 percent of his time,{no comma} watching television or movies. From my perspective[,] television has profoundly affected people’s behavior and even their thoughts,specially {“especially” is better - specially is archaic} [those of] young adults, both positively and negatively.

To begin with, TV in conjunction to[with] it’s[its] advertisements and commercials, has , unfortunately, created [an] erroneous desire and need for useless things we really don’t {avoid contractions} need. For example, recently there are huge amount[s ] of advertisements, trying to entice people to buy their products, such as certain drugs ,{no comma} to loos[e ] weight; however, all of these advertisements are mendacious and buying these drugs is not only [a] waste of money, but also danger[ous] to our health.

how do movies or televisions influence people’s behavior?{why is this here? I assume this is the prompt and it got copied down here by mistake}

Alternatively,{why is this “alternatively”? you are continuing the same line of reasoning, so pick a transition like “similarly”} some TV programs and movies, induce harmful thoughts and manners to{you induce someone to do an action, you don’t really induce the action, at least not in this context} young adults. Some young boys try to follow{“imitate” or “base their actions on”} characters of movies, in order to show their vagor{“vagor” is incorrect here, what do you mean?} or in order to attract girls. For example, they may commit to crimes that they have seen in movies. Additionally, some movies ,{no comma} indirectly tempt young adults to smoke or to abuse drugs.

Despite those negative effects of TV, it still has several benevolent and positive features. As an illustration, there are a number of educational programs on TV ,{no space before commas} teaching how to cook or how to speak in other languages; moreover, it has quite interesting scientifical disscusions and films. Surely, most of us watch news on TV, which helps us to be aware of whatever is going on around the world.

All in all, according to advantages and disadvantages of TV that were mentioned before, in my estimation, TV is a prevalent and amusing entertainer; however , all of us must be aware of it’s[its] harmful features.

Thanks

TOEFL listening discussions: What is the main weakness of the student’s essay?

[Nastaran1990]

Thank you very much.
I have a question.
“Statistics show that children watch television more than studying”
In this sentence I am presenting a general fact, so isn’t it better to use the simple present tense, rather than present continuous?

[Nastaran1990]

And I have written “vagor” instead of “vigor” . Does “vigor” fit here? I meant that boys try to show that they are strong.

[Nastaran1990]

Another question:
Is it ok to choose a topic for the toefl essay?

[Luschen]

@Nastaran1990

Thank you very much.
I have a question.
“Statistics show that children watch television more than studying”
In this sentence I am presenting a general fact, so isn’t it better to use the simple present tense, rather than present continuous?

Hi, I think you are probably correct - the problem I had was the non parallel structure - you were comparing “watch” with “studying”. I thought “watch television more than study” did not sound that great either, so I went with “are watching and studying”. Now that I think about it, perhaps a better option is “Statistics show that children spend more time watching television than studying.”

[Luschen]

@Nastaran1990

And I have written “vagor” instead of “vigor” . Does “vigor” fit here? I meant that boys try to show that they are strong.

OK, that makes sense. Vigor is ok, but I think the word “machismo” really captures what you want to say.

[Luschen]

@Nastaran1990

Another question:
Is it ok to choose a topic for the toefl essay?

Sorry, I don’t really understand your question - of course it is ok to chose a topic, but I don’t think that is what you mean.

[Nastaran1990]

I meant giving the essay a title. For example here the title can be: “TV and its effects”

[Nastaran1990]

Thanks for helping me If I get a good score(25) in my writing, I will surely be accepted for the universities, I apply. so I will be able to come to US for studying. I will bring you souvenirs from my country

[Luschen]

@Nastaran1990

I meant giving the essay a title. For example here the title can be: “TV and its effects”

You know, I always assumed that you should not title your TOEFL essay, but Barron’s guide says it is not required but can be a good idea. What does your book say? Perhaps someone else can answer this better.

[Luschen]

@Nastaran1990

Thanks for helping me If I get a good score(25) in my writing, I will surely be accepted for the universities, I apply. so I will be able to come to US for studying. I will bring you souvenirs from my country

Where do you live now? Where in the US would you like to study? What field are you focusing on?

[Nastaran1990]

I am from Iran. My major is Electrical Engineering and I am considering to apply to several universities in US and even in Canada. Maybe in Callifornia,Texas,etc.