Hi,plz read my essay and score it,

There is no doubt that now a days televisions and movies are widespread everywhere. Statistics show that children watch television more than studying. These statistics demonstrate that every person spends 40 percent of his time, watching television or movies. From my perspective television has profoundly affected people’s behavior and even their thoughts,specially young adults, both positively and negatively.

To begin with, TV in conjunction to it’s advertisements and commercials, has , unfortunately, created erroneous desire and need for useless things we really don’t need. For example, recently there are huge amount of advertisements, trying to entice people to buy their products, such as certain drugs ,to loos weight; however, all of these advertisements are mendacious and buying these drugs is not only waste of money, but also danger to our health.

how do movies or televisions influence people’s behavior?

Alternatively, some TV programs and movies, induce harmful thoughts and manners to young adults. Some young boys try to follow characters of movies, in order to show their vagor or in order to attract girls. For example, they may commit to crimes that they have seen in movies. Additionally, some movies , indirectly tempt young adults to smoke or to abuse drugs.

Despite those negative effects of TV, it still has several benevolent and positive features. As an illustration, there are a number of educational programs on TV , teaching how to cook or how to speak in other languages; moreover, it has quite interesting scientifical disscusions and films. Surely, most of us watch news on TV, which helps us to be aware of whatever is going on around the world.

All in all, according to advantages and disadvantages of TV that were mentioned before, in my estimation, TV is a prevalent and amusing entertainer; however , all of us must be aware of it’s harmful features.


TOEFL listening discussions: What is the main weakness of the student’s essay?

Hi, I think this essay is a big improvement. You have a very clear structure with a good thesis and topic sentences. You do have a few word choices that could be improved and some minor punctuation and grammar errors. Remember, no space before commas, one space after them. Also, the possessive of it is its. It’s is the contraction for “it is” and since you shouldn’t use contractions, you should never have an “it’s” in your essay :slight_smile: Overall, I would rate this a 4 out of 5.

Thank you very much.
I have a question.
“Statistics show that children watch television more than studying”
In this sentence I am presenting a general fact, so isn’t it better to use the simple present tense, rather than present continuous?

And I have written “vagor” instead of “vigor” . Does “vigor” fit here? I meant that boys try to show that they are strong.

Another question:
Is it ok to choose a topic for the toefl essay?

Hi, I think you are probably correct - the problem I had was the non parallel structure - you were comparing “watch” with “studying”. I thought “watch television more than study” did not sound that great either, so I went with “are watching and studying”. Now that I think about it, perhaps a better option is “Statistics show that children spend more time watching television than studying.”

OK, that makes sense. Vigor is ok, but I think the word “machismo” really captures what you want to say.

Sorry, I don’t really understand your question - of course it is ok to chose a topic, but I don’t think that is what you mean.

I meant giving the essay a title. For example here the title can be: “TV and its effects”

Thanks for helping me :wink: If I get a good score(25) in my writing, I will surely be accepted for the universities, I apply. so I will be able to come to US for studying. I will bring you souvenirs from my country :wink: :wink:

You know, I always assumed that you should not title your TOEFL essay, but Barron’s guide says it is not required but can be a good idea. What does your book say? Perhaps someone else can answer this better.

Where do you live now? Where in the US would you like to study? What field are you focusing on?

I am from Iran. My major is Electrical Engineering and I am considering to apply to several universities in US and even in Canada. Maybe in Callifornia,Texas,etc.