Hello, please help me to correct and grade my essay! THANKS :D

Hello ! I really appreciate if you could help me to grade my essay and correct the mistakes! THANKS :smiley:

(Recently, I am taking a TOEFL course and this is my homework)

Essay Topic:
Travelling to a different country can be both exciting and frustrating at the same time. What are the most important pieces of advice that you would give visitors to your country. Give reasons and details to support your response.

Indonesia, the country where I live, is an extraordinary country with exceedingly prosperous cultures as well as outrageously beauteous nature, and I think foreign people will intensely love this country, have a blast, and never regret. In spite of the fabulous things, I believe that the visitors also have magnitude probability to face the frustrating moments which tantalizingly disturbing in their vacation here. Hence, I recommend them to prepare for all the things and unexpected situations carefully and meticulously, before coming here. Consequently, they can avoid the bad moments to be happened, or at least they know how to solve them if they really face them. I have several advices which I think totally important and supremely helpful for foreign people who want to come to my country.

To begin with, visitors have to master the fundamental of Indonesian language which commonly use in everyday conversation, for instance how to order food in Indonesian, how to ask the price of the things, or alternatively how to ask direction. This is immensely noteworthy owing to the fact that the mother language of Indonesia is Indonesian and most native people in here, especially those who live in countryside, do not speak other languages, such as English, fluently. In this case, bringing the pocket Indonesian dictionary along with is also the major key for tourist to be safe in Indonesia. As a result, if they want to say something but do not know how to say it, they are able to read the word or sentence from the dictionary, or alternatively write down the word or sentence in a piece of paper then show it to the people that they ask, as what I always do when I travel in foreign country.

In succession, I suggest foreign people, especially who come from non-tropic countries, to have immunization first before arriving in Indonesia. As the matter of fact, Indonesia is a not-so-clean and hot country, not to mention lot of diseases. In addition, the dishes in Indonesia are also unique due to the mixing of several local ingredients, which maybe do not suit with them. Accordingly, Immunization is one of the primary things for visitors in order to make the visitors’ body strong which can avoid the situation where they feel sick or terrible.

To recapitulate, I recommend foreign people who want to have fun in Indonesia to learn the simple Indonesian language and always bring the pocket Indonesian language while travelling. In addition, they also need to be immunized first in order to prevent sickness.

TOEFL listening discussions: What are the two students doing?

Hello ! I really appreciate if you could help me to grade my essay and correct the mistakes! THANKS :smiley:

Indonesia, the country where IN WHICH I live, is an extraordinary country with exceedingly prosperous cultures as well as outrageously beauteous nature, and I think foreign people will intensely love this country, have a blast, and never regret HAVING VISITED HERE.
In spite of the fabulous things, I believe that the visitors also have magnitude probability to face the frustrating moments which tantalizingly disturbing MIGHT DISTURB their vacation here. Hence, I recommend them to prepare for all the things and unexpected situations carefully and meticulously, before coming here. Consequently, they can avoid the bad moments to be happened THAT MIGHT WELL HAPPEN HERE, or at least they WILL know how to solve them if they really DO HAVE TO face them. I have several PIECES OF ADVICE which I think totally important and supremely helpful for foreign people who want to come to my country. HERE.

To begin with, visitors have to master the fundamentalS of THE Indonesian language which IS commonly useD in everyday conversation; for instance how to order food in Indonesian, how to ask the price of the things, or alternatively, how to ask directionS. This is immensely noteworthy WELL WORTH KNOWING owing to the fact that the mother language of Indonesia is Indonesian and most native people IT here, especially those who live in THE countryside AND do not speak other languages, such as English, fluently. In this case, bringing A pocket Indonesian dictionary along with THEM is also the major A key FACTOR for touristS to REMAIN safe in Indonesia. As a result, i If they want to say something but do not know how to say it, they are able to read the word or sentence from the dictionary, or alternatively write down the word or sentence ON a piece of paper then show it to the people that they ask, WHICH IS what I always do when I travel in A foreign country.

In successionCONCLUSION , I suggest foreign people, especially THOSE who come from non-tropicAL countries, to have immunization first before arriving in Indonesia. As the matter of fact, Indonesia is a not-so-clean and hot country, not to mention OUR HAVING A lot of diseases. In addition, the dishes in Indonesia are also unique due to the mixing of several local ingredients, which maybe do not suit with them. Accordingly, immunization is one of the primary things for visitors TO HAVEin order to make the visitors’ body strong, which can HELP IN THEIR avoidING situationS where they feel sick or terrible.

To recapitulate, I recommend foreign people who want to have fun in Indonesia to learn the simple Indonesian language, and always bring the pocket Indonesian language while travelling. In addition, they also need to be immunized first in order to prevent sickness.
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An overuse of adjectives and other superfluous words spoiled what would have been an excellent essay. Try to keep your work simple and understandable to the reader.
Concentrate on painting simple pictures with your words. You are not yet a Picasso of English.

Kitos. 7.5/10