Hello, I’m new here. Could you guys check my essay and give a correct band for the ielts writing task please?

Good Advice you have Received

I have ever received some advice in my life.
Something about the practical ideas, and something about the suggestions of the life guidance.

Now I’m going to talk about the actual plans. Well, somebody tells me the thoughts about the appearance. They said you have to find out your excellent wearing style as quickly as possible. Because when you dress well when you dress in good taste, and you make up, and you will have confidence.

And also to do the anti-ageing job as soon as possible. Like doing the sun-screen work every day and cut down the sugar, set the regular bedtime, also do the exercises. These are all the steps can make the anti-ageing. And the next idea is about the hospital.

If there is one time, you got over five pimples on your face; the proper way is to go to the hospital to see the doctor. Cus this is the skin disease. And if you have lousy mood over one month, the best way is to go to see the psychological doctor. Also if you want to know how to solve your problem, Google. Google can explain everything in your life almost.

Ok, let us tend to the second part, is about the suggestions of the life guidance. A few years ago, I watched a Ted talk. The title is thirty is not the new twenties. And the woman in there said, now is your time to size your adulthood and get some identity capital, use your week ties, pick your family. Don’t be defined by what you didn’t know or what you didn’t do. You are deciding your life right now.

This ted talk impressed me. From then on, I know it is time to choose my life correctly. It’s time to what do what Should I do. And don’t waste time on the useless exploring.

Hi, It is best to include the exact prompt you are writing about, since without it I can’t really tell if you have addressed it correctly.
Your writing is not too bad, but it really needs some organization. This sort of reads like a stream of consciousness where you just write ideas down as they appear in your head. The graders will be looking for four or five well-developed paragraphs - an introduction and conclusion and two or three body paragraphs each covering a specific reason or topic supporting your thesis. Overall, your tone is too conversational and informal. I think it might be better to stick with one specific piece of practical advice and one piece of more general advice, that way you can go more into detail on where you picked up the advice, why it is good, and how it has affected your life. Here are some more specific suggestions:

I have [often] received some advice in my life.
[Some concerns] practical ideas, [while other is] about the suggestions of the life guidance. {“life guidance” is pretty vague and unnatural - maybe “suggestions for how to choose goals for my life”}
Now I’m going to talk about the actual plans. {“actual plans” for what?} Well, [in particular] somebody tells {this simple present sounds a bit odd here - usually it is used for something that happens on a regular basis} me [their] thoughts about [my] appearance. They said you {try not to use second person in formal essays, especially after you started off in first person} have to find out your excellent [fashion] style as quickly as possible. Because when you dress well when you dress in good taste, and you make up, {“and you make up” is unclear here - do you mean your cosmetics can make you look good?} and you will have confidence.

And also to do the anti-ageing job {what exactly is the anti-aging job?} as soon as possible. {this is not a complete sentence} [One should try to maintain habits ] Like [applying] sun-screen every day and [cutting] down [on] sugar, [having a] regular bedtime, also [doing] exercises. {you should not use “the” here because you have not previously mentioned these nouns} {this was also not a complete sentence} These are all the steps [one] can make [to slow one’s aging]. And the next idea is about the hospital. {do not introduce you next topic in the last sentence of the previous paragraph like this - each paragraph should begin with a topic sentence that states what that paragraph will be about}

If [ ] one time, you got over five pimples on your face; the proper [response] is to go to the hospital {maybe a “clinic” is better - generally hospitals are for more serious conditions} to see the doctor. [Because] {using slang like “cus” is a big negative in an essay like this} this is the skin disease. And {avoid beginning sentences with conjunctions like “but” or “and”} if you [are in a] lousy mood [for] over one month, the best way is to go to see the [psychologist]. Also if you want to know how to solve your problem, [try] Google. Google can explain [almost] everything in your life.

Ok, {this is too informal for this type of essay} let us tend to the second part, [the one] about the suggestions of [how to best live one’s life]. A few years ago, I watched a Ted talk. The title [was “Thirty is Not the New Twenties”.] And the woman [giving the speech] said, [“Now is your time to [seize] your adulthood and get some identity capital, use your week ties, {do you mean “weak ties”? If so, what does it mean to use them?} pick your family. {how can one pick one’s family?} Don’t be defined by what you didn’t know or what you didn’t do. You are deciding your life right now.”]

This [Ted] talk impressed me. From then on, I [have known it is] time to choose my life correctly. It’s time to [do what I should do instead of wasting] time on [] useless exploring. {“exploration” is better here}