Hi, Kitos. How are you? Could you look at my essay? I know it’s not a TOEFL essay, it’s GRE one, but in the GRE section nobody checks essays. Some of them have been left from November. You helped me much with TOEFL, now I need your help in GRE. Thanks beforehand
Freedonia
The statement about indispensable growth in the commercial airline industry of Freedonia is vague due to gaps, like unproven cause-effect relation, lack of statistical data on the passengers using airline services and economic situation in the country, as well as excessive sureness about stability in Freedonia and neighbouring countries.
First, from the statement we can assume the success in the airline industry is related to the increasing number of tourists. However, how we can be sure that most of passengers are tourists, when the author has not presented factual information on clients of the commercial airline industry? Other category of people, especially businessmen, students and sportsmen may also fly. It would be very interesting to get information regarding passengers. He should have included statistical information to ascertain readers that most of the airline users are tourists.
Second, as we can infer from the text the airline industry of Freedonia is based on local tourists that underlines the flourishing financial image of the field because of its limitedness. Commercial product and service must be differentiated to be more practical. Besides, this fact discloses that tourism has not been developed in Freedonia that is blank in the economy of the country. A reader may doubt the economical level of Freedonia. If the author had written about existence and state of tourism in country, he could reinforce information about the economical situation in the country and strengthen possibility of flourishing the airline industry.
Third, the author is too sure about stability and gradual development in Freedonia. He has not taken into account probability of economical, political and natural cataclysms. For example, no country can allege the recent economical crisis had not affected its economy. Or no country is secured against political upheavals, mass strikes, wars and terrorist attacks that are directly reflected in economy. As to natural disasters, even volcanic eruption in one country may spoil financial state of other countries’ airlines. If the author had not ignored the abovementioned factors, the text would be more persuasive, since it covered all details.
In a word, the statement does not look strong and convincing in the relation to the omission of such issues as more persuasive cause-effect relation, statistical data on the country’s economy and airline, as well as possible negative factors that may affect the economical stability in Freedonia. If the author had encompassed these issues, the statement would be more complete, comprehensive and solid.
TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation between a student and his counselor
