Fewer cars in use in twenty years

[Quang1997]

Would you mind helping me correct the essay about the topic below? Thank you very much.

Topic: In twenty years, there will be fewer cars in use than there are today.

The rapid growth of the economy of today’s world is attributed to many breakthroughs in transportation, especially cars. It cannot be denied that the development of transportation has brought a multitude of application in real life and thus many uses have been more efficient readily thanks to the modern transportation. Many people these days are more likely to use their cars to drive around every place more comfortably because of their benefits and conveniences. However, personally, I believe that such development has hindered old-fashionable cars, therefore in twenty years, there will be fewer cars in use than there are today.

First of all, the most important reason is that the atmosphere is being polluted destructively because of gas from the cars. In the developing country, people have better conditions to meet their demand than our ancestors did in the past, so cars are always the first choice in their daily travel. Therefore, a variety of cars is being used, the pollution will increase rapidly. The government may find out the effective ways to decrease the using of cars as well as encourage people to use the vehicles which are friendly with the environment and ban them from now on.

Secondly, there will be more eco-friendly transportation for people to travel from place to place. As we all know, no farther in twenty years, it is now that humans have invented and manufactured cars that use electricity as well as solar power. Not only thanks to the modern technology, but partly because of the creative mind, learning from developed countries in the world of humans, the new cars prevail in different appearances.

Some may argue that the two above reasons are not persuasive enough to demonstrate the statement, providing evidence that there will be much more cars used in twenty years because of daily needs of people. However, we cannot reach the conclusion that more cars will be used without considering concrete examples.

In conclusion, this could also save our environment from the various kinds of pollution like air pollution, noise pollution and more resulting in a healthy environment to live.Therefore, this issue that in twenty years, there will be fewer cars in use than there are today is a very complicated issue as it depends on the mentality of the people as well as the conditions and circumstances to be faced in the near future.

TOEFL listening lectures: Why does the professor discuss an experiment with dummies?

[Luschen]

Hi, I guess this is Quang’s sister? I thought your writing was a little better in this one,
but your essay was not very persuasive to me. You say that cars damage the environment, but you do not go that one more necessary step to say that because of this,
people will choose not to drive cars. You do mention the government restricting cars,
but if you could add more specific details about how the government might accomplish this, it would be more effective. Then in your second paragraph you talk about the growth of electric cars, but these are still cars, so you have not shown that the total number of cars will decrease. Overall, your writing was pretty clear, but there were some awkward and vague phrases. Here are some other suggestions.

@Quang1997

Would you mind helping me correct the essay about the topic below? Thank you very much.

Topic: In twenty years, there will be fewer cars in use than there are today.

The rapid growth of the economy of today’s world {“of today’s economy” or “in the world economy” sound better} is attributed to many breakthroughs in transportation, especially cars. It cannot be denied that the development of transportation has brought a multitude of [applications] {this sounds odd - there is really only one application of transportation -to get from one place to another} in real life and thus many uses {“uses” sounds odd and vague here} have been more efficient readily {“more efficient readily” is awkward} thanks to the modern transportation. Many people these days are more likely to use their cars to drive around every place more comfortably because of their {“their” sounds a little like you are still talking about people, because you used “their” previously in this sentence to refer to people} benefits and [convenience]. However, personally, I believe that such development {what development are you talking about? The development of cars?} has hindered old-fashionable cars {it would be “old fashioned cars”, but even that doesn’t really make sense here} , therefore in twenty years, there will be fewer cars in use than there are today.

First of all, the most important reason {reason for what? Try to refer back to the prompt in your topic sentences} is that the atmosphere is being polluted destructively because of gas {“exhaust” is better here} from the cars. In the developing [countries], {it seems like this is true in developed countries as well. Why the differentiation?} people have better conditions to meet their demand {“better conditions to meet their demand” is unclear to me - what do you mean?} than our ancestors did in the past, so cars are always the first choice in their daily travel. Therefore, a variety of cars [are] being used, [therefore] the pollution will increase rapidly. The government may {“must” is better here} find out the effective ways to decrease the [use] of cars as well as encourage people to use the vehicles which are friendly [to] the environment and ban them from now on.{this sounds like you ban to ban the environmentally friendly cars} {In this paragraph you have given a disadvantage of cars, but you have really provided no evidence that there will be fewer cars in the future}

Secondly, there will be more eco-friendly transportation for people to travel from place to place. As we all know, no farther in twenty years, it is now that humans have invented {this wording is incorrect and confusing - I guess you mean “… know, in twenty years, humans will have invented and …”} and manufactured cars that use electricity as well as solar power. Not only thanks to the modern technology, but partly because of the creative mind, learning from developed countries in the world of humans,{“in the world of humans” sounds very odd here} the new cars [will] prevail in different appearances. {“in different appearances” is confusing - it sounds like you are saying these new electric cars will all look different, but that does not seem important at all to the prompt} {this paragraph does not really address the prompt - You are saying that there will be electric cars instead of internal combustion cars, but you have not said that there will be fewer cars overall}

Some may argue that the two above reasons [above] are not persuasive enough to demonstrate the statement, {I am one of those } providing evidence that there will be [many] more cars used in twenty years because of daily needs of people. However, we cannot reach the conclusion that more cars will be used without considering concrete examples. {I don’t understand your logic here. It is not up to the reader to provide concrete examples, it is up to you to provide examples proving your point. Still, I am glad that this paragraph actually makes sense, unlike that “epitome” sentence you used to use}

In conclusion, this {what is “this”? Be very carefully when using pronouns in the first sentence of your paragraph} could also save our environment from the various kinds of pollution like air pollution, noise pollution and more[,] resulting in a healthy environment to live.Therefore, {this “therefore” is not a very good transition here. Use therefore when you give a reason and then the conclusion. Here you are implying that because using fewer cars would help the environment, therefore (as a result) this issue is very complicated. That does not really follow.} this issue that in twenty years, there will be fewer cars in use than there are today is a very complicated issue as it depends on the mentality of the people as well as the conditions and circumstances to be faced in the near future.

TOEFL listening lectures: Why does the professor discuss an experiment with dummies?