Essays for Scholarships

Can I ask you for checking my essays for scholarships letter and correct mistakes (Grammar, Spelling,Word Choice…etc)

My name is Omer Eltom Abdalla, I am from Sudan, I was born in a small village Khmmas Hajr located about 120 kilometers west of city El Obeid , is largest city in west Sudan, in the Regional kordofan . I graduate from two Universities: Diploma in Computer Sciences Three Years 2002-2005 University of El Imam El Mahdi. BSc in Computer Sciences and Information Technology 2008 - 2012 Open University of Sudan.
For as long as I could remember, I have wanted to be Professor of Information Technology and Computer Science, giving lectures and taking part in Information Technology related projects throughout Sudan and in other countries when possible. Everyone can agree that I am a good student and that I like to study.
My favorite subjects are Computer Sciences & Information Technology. I am going to planning take the scholarship Master Degree in the USA because my goal is to study these subjects in future and to become a respected professional in one of the fields moreover is at the top of the list world countries that has revolutions on Information Technology. I am very excited about my future and feel that with the opportunity your scholarship will provide, I can help many peoples.
I learned a lot during my work experience, I found my way, and I started thinking in different way, but If I found someone who could target my thinking into one specific direction it would not take me too much time to start thinking differently. I worked for many sectors IT:
• As Computer Science Teacher in Zohal Computer Science Academy.
• IT Specialist Ministry of Minerals.
• IT Support Officer Monitoring and Observation Committee South Kordofan State Census
• Informatics Team Leader Redeena Engineering company
• IT manager Monitoring and Observation Committee 5th Population Census Council
• IT support technician / E.N.T.H

This experience helped me to focus my desire to invent something new into one specific direction, on Enterprise Solutions, since these solutions is needed in many fields, it is complicated which means much time for development. What would be the status of our Information Technology Market? For sure it would be better. That why I’m looking to be awarded the Fulbright.
Consequently, I am going to resort to every means necessary to become an important name in IT and Computer Science; do my best to make my country one of the most efficient and productive IT and Computer Science centers and work diligently to contribute to the field.
I enjoy that aspect of knowledge in information technology ownership best. Unfortunately, I cannot afford to pay for my entire education, so I hope to use my skills and love of computer Sciences to help me pay for college.
If I awarded the Fulbright, I will concentrate on studying the new technologies founded on US, studying the Information Technology, what are the new technologies founded and how it helps the US Organizations? So if it was that helpful for the US Organizations imagine how much it will be helpful for Sudanese.
Your organization stands for what I believe in. Like your organization, I hope to help me in dream my life. To reach my goals, I need as much help as possible. I already have the moral support of my family and friends, but that is not quite enough to make my dream come true. I hope that your organization can help me reach this dream by awarding me your scholarship. I believe the main turning point of my life is when I was blessed to join Fulbright program.

TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation between two students in their first class of the term

Hi Musnad, good luck on your Fulbright application. A lot of you essay seemed very general, like “I want to help people.” It would be great to have more specifics and details. I have made some suggestions below.

Dear Eng. Luschen
Thanks so much for your great efforts . I appreciate your time with me , please modify essay you have green light , and any suggestion from you welcome.
Respectfully

My name is Omer Eltom Abdalla, I am from Sudan, I was born in the small village of Khmmas Hajr located about 120 kilometers west of El Obeid , the largest city in west Sudan, in the Kordofan region . I graduated from two universities, with a diploma in Computer Sciences Three Year Program, 2002-2005 from the University of El Imam El Mahdi and a BSc in Computer Sciences and Information Technology 2008 - 2012 from the Open University of Sudan.
For as long as I could remember, I have wanted to be professor of information technology and computer Science, giving lectures and taking part in information technology related projects throughout Sudan and in other countries when possible. Everyone can agree that I am a good student and that I like to study.

My favorite subjects are computer sciences & information technology. I am planning to pursue a Master Degree in the USA because my goal is to study these subjects in future and to become a respected professional in this field moreover; countries that are leading the revolution in Information Technology are at the top of my list. I am very excited about my future and feel that with the opportunity your scholarship will provide, I can help many people. I learned a lot during my work experience, I found my way, and I started thinking in different way, but If I found someone who could target my thinking into one specific direction it would not take me too much time to start thinking differently.{these sentences are confusing to me - what exactly do you mean?} I worked for many sectors of IT:
• Computer Science Teacher in Zohal Computer Science Academy.
• IT Specialist in the Ministry of Minerals.
• IT Support Officer for the Monitoring and Observation Committee South Kordofan State Census
• Informatics Team Leader for the Redeena Engineering company
• IT manager for the Monitoring and Observation Committee 5th Population Census Council
• IT support technician / the Ear Nose and Throat Hospital.

This experience helped me to focus my desire to invent something new into one specific direction, Enterprise Solutions, since these solutions are needed in many fields, it is complicated, which means much time for development. That why I’m looking to be awarded the Fulbright.
Consequently, I am going to resort to every means necessary to become an important name in IT and Computer Science; do my best to make my country one of the most efficient and productive IT and Computer Science centers and work diligently to contribute to the field.
Unfortunately, I cannot afford to pay for my entire education. If I awarded the Fulbright, I will concentrate on studying the new technologies developed in the US.
Your organization stands for what I believe in. Like your organization, I hope to help me achieve my dream in life to reach my goals; I need as much help as possible. I already have the moral support of my family and friends, but that is not quite enough to make my dream come true. I hope that your organization can help me reach this dream by awarding me your scholarship.

Hi,

Iam a dentist from Yemen.

would please check my essay for scholarship program.Check grammer , spelling and ur general opinion about the quality of the essay .Does it acceptable or not.What do u think of it ?.Is it interesting or just good .
Thank u very much in advance.

here:

It is 2015.It is the start of the war between Yemen which is my country and Saudi Arabia with the help of other Arab Allies that share in war against corrupt previous president Ali and houthis .Although , the situation is too tense and scary with bombing houses everywhere , military camps and huge explosions , I still struggle and yearn to accomplish my goals by applying to your organization for master program.
First of all, being a dentist was a dream and so appealing since I was very young .I always have a keen interest in helping others and alleviate their pain .Therefore, I was so happy in my graduation in 2004 from University of Science and Technology here in Sana’a, Yemen with bachelor’s degree in dental surgery .Iam so enthusiastic and very punctual person .I did my internship 1 year at my University 3 days a week and other days were in Governmental hospitals at Al-Thrawra and Military one where I communicated with different patients and learned about oral surgery , several types of extraction and cases and suturing.I have completed First aid course in 3rd Year of my dental school in vacation as a volunteer which provided me with knowledge of the common medical emergences .Although, we now still have this terrible atmosphere of the war ,I adore my job and go to work under severe air strike and houthis’s gun fire.I like to assist patients who come to the dental clinic and keep them calm when they are distressed and look to their faces and body language.I develop this skill by my 6 years experience in my job.

Secondly, By advancing my education through master program of DAAD scholarship , I believe I will not only gain valuable theoretical knowledge in oral and maxillofacial surgery major ,but also I will precisely benefit me for better contribute to my own society.As a matter of fact, I have started to watch oral surgeons in their complex surgeries like fracture of jaw , fixation , and cancer cases since I was in dental school and still help them as assistant until now here in hospital of Al-Thrawra as a volunteer.I believe this major needs very high skilled physician that I Long to achieve by getting scholarship from your organization.
Additionally, looking to my future , I would appreciate the chance to fulfill my ambition of working within this major because I have a strong desire , good communication skills and commitment to undertake the study of oral and maxillofacial surgery because the ability to help people in needs is the most important aspect for me. Moreover, becoming a maxillofacial surgeon would provide me with tremendous job satisfaction.

Generally speaking, I thank you for your time and consideration.

[color=olive]HI
I try to help you.
after read rectify please following this steps:
go to essayforum.com/
and subscribing and select scholarship and put your essay. I think you will met editor he can help you, just writing :

Dear All,
Could you please review and checking Personal Statement and study-research objectives :

Correct any spelling and grammar issues.
Fix the misuse of punctuation and capitalisation.
Reword poorly structured sentences.
Prune unnecessary words and over-long sentences.
Check paragraphs flow together cleanly .

Good Luck
Take care and God bless.

In this year (2015), it is the start of the war between [color=blue]Yemen, which is my country, and Saudi Arabia with the help of other Arab Allies that share in war against corrupt previous president Ali and [color=blue]houthis. Although, the situation is too tense and scary with bombing houses [color=blue]everywhere, military camps and huge [color=blue]explosions, I still struggle and yearn to do my goals by applying to your organization for master program.

[color=blue]My reason for choosing this course is clear; I have always been interested in working with dentist. It appeals to me because it is a dynamic area that offers the chance of lifetime learning. I decided to take the scholarship route in my plans because I have many interests in this area my future plans lie in this sector, will further my understanding in this field and will give me an advantage when I enter my career and gradually progress further. I understand however to be successful in a category I must take an open view to that goal.

[color=blue]Firstly, being a dentist was a dream and so appealing since I was very young. I always have a keen interest in helping others and alleviate their pain. Therefore, I was so happy in my graduation in 2004 from University of Science and Technology here in Sana’a, Yemen with bachelor’s degree in dental surgery. [color=blue]I am so enthusiastic and very punctual person. I did my internship [color=blue]one year at my University[color=blue] three days a week and other days were in governmental hospitals at[color=blue] Al-Thrawra, and Military one where I communicated with different patients and learned about oral [color=blue]surgery, several types of extraction and cases and [color=blue]suturing. I have completed [color=blue]first aid course in [color=blue]three year of my dental school in vacation as [color=blue]a volunteer, which provided me with knowledge of the common medical[color=blue] emergencies.

Although, we now still have this terrible atmosphere of the war, I adore my job and go to work under severe air strike and [color=blue]houthis’s gunfire. I like to help patients who come to the dental clinic and keep them calm when they are distressed and look to their faces and body language. I develop this skill by my [color=blue]six years’ experience in my job.

Secondly, By advancing my education through master program of DAAD scholarship , I believe I will not only gain valuable theoretical knowledge in oral and maxillofacial surgery major, but also I will precisely benefit me for better contribute to my society. [color=blue]In fact, I have started to watch oral surgeons in their complex surgeries like fracture of jaw, fixation, and cancer cases since I was in dental school and still help them as assistant until now here in hospital of Al-Thrawra as [color=blue]a volunteer. I believe this major needs very high skilled physician that I Long to achieve by getting scholarship from your organization.
Additionally, looking to my future, I would appreciate the chance to fulfill my ambition of working within this major because I have a strong desire, good communication skills and commitment[color=blue] to study oral and maxillofacial surgery because the ability to help people in needs is the most important aspect for me. Moreover, becoming a maxillofacial surgeon would provide me with tremendous job satisfaction.
[color=blue]I am thoroughly looking forward to pursuing my interests both academically and socially and I am eager to experience the challenge. I believe I have the necessary enthusiasm and skill to be a successful and effective student at DAAD scholarship. My ultimate aim in life is to be able to make a positive impact upon society, to improve peoples’ lives by offering them greater opportunities. I believe that studying at your institution will be another step towards achieving that goal.

Hi, make sure to put your period right after the last letter of your sentence, then add a space after the period before the first letter of the following sentence. I thought your essay was very compelling. Your job history is a little confusing to me - maybe you intended it that way though. Are you actually working in the dentistry field now, or are you just volunteering at the local hospital?

Thanks Musnad, I did not see your response. Your suggestions were very good. Hopefully Fff can combine our ideas and improve his chances of getting that scholarship.

Thank u Luschen very much for ur kindness and time to check my essay.
Iam working in public hospital now.

Thanks alot Musnad for ur help,too.
Thank u all.I appreciate it.