Essay: Bus, or Personal Cars?

English as a Second Language Preparation for and help with the TOEFL® Test and
1

Hello,
Here is my first well-organized one essay.
Bus or Personal Car

Nowadays, Air pollution and global warming are serious issues that every civilian is concerned about. To start purifying the air, it requires to reduce the use of pollutants. Industries and personal cars are the most important keys to this human-caused problem. Industries could reduce the air pollution index by using smoke filters in their smoke stacks. By developing the technology, compare to the previous decays, the amount of pollution of personal cars, has been reduced perfectly.

However, it’s showed up that by using public transporters such as trains, subways, and buses, the amount of time and costs considerably have reduced. In most busy and overcrowded cities, using special lanes for express buses have engaged people to use them instead of their personal cars. They are fast, safe, and more reliable.

Personal cars are of course useful. The most advantage that personal cars have, is that you are the driver and you are free to choose any legal path go. Carrying Picnic and barbecue staffs within the car our own cars is a simple remainder of how useful the are. However, Traffic jams and accidents are the worse parts. Lessening the amount of fuel, and increasing the cost of the car petrol day after day are additional issues. Sleep while driving and rubbing the car are another problems that almost threat the personal car drivers.

By considering the above benefits of using buses, and to protect the earth, and decrease the air pollution, it will be better off if we use our cars whenever it is really necessary.

-Salivan

P.S.
Dear Kitos, I hope that you appreciate my progress. I’m really looking forward to receiving your evaluation. Also, if you mind, please score the essay. Surely it will help me to encourage myself to study hard and efficient even more than that I’m doing now.

P.P.S.
Do you believe in deja vu?

TOEFL listening lectures: Why does the professor discuss World War II?

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Nowadays, air pollution and global warming are serious issues that every civilian/PERSON is/SHOULD BE/ concerned about. To start purifying the air, it requires to/THAT WE reduce the use of pollutants.
Industries and personal cars are the most important/CRUCIAL keys to this human-caused problem.
Industries could/SHOULD reduce the air pollution index by using smoke filters in their smoke stacks. By developing THIS AND OTHER MODERN technologIES, compareD to the previous decaDES, the amount of pollution of personal cars, has been reduced perfectly/SIGNIFICANTLY/ENORMOUSLY.

However, it’s showed up/HAS BEEN SHOWN that by using public transport such as trains, subways, and buses, the amount of time and costs /considerably have/HAVE BEEN DRASTICALLY reduced.
In most busy and overcrowded cities, using special lanes THAT HAVE BEEN CREATED
TO BE USED ONLY BY express buses HAS ENCOURAGED people to use them /instead of/IN PREFERENCE TO their personal cars. They are fast, safe, and more reliable.

Personal cars are of course useful. The most/BIGGEST/GREATEST advantage that personal cars have, is that you are the driver and you are free to choose any legal /path go/ROUTE TO FOLLOW.
Carrying picnic and barbecue staffs/EQUIPMENT within the car is a simple remainder of/AS TO JUST how useful theY are. However, traffic jams and accidents THAT CREATE HOLD-UPS ARE BY FAR the /worse parts/BIGGEST CREATORS/OFFENDERS. Lessening the amount of fuel USED BY THE CAR, and increasing the cost of the car petrol /day after day/EACH DAY are additional issues.

(Sleep while driving and rubbing the car are another problems that almost threat the personal car drivers. ) ??? WHAT IS THIS SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

By considering the above benefits of using buses, and BY protectING the earth BY decreasING air pollution, WE will be better off if we ONLY use our cars whenever really necessary.

Good morning Pasban. This is a fairly easy topic that you failed to capitalise on. It wasn’t so well organised as you suggested. You brought into your work erroneous unconnected issues.
The theme was air pollution and the many ways of reducing it … you often wandered away from the theme.

Kitos. 6/10

P.P.S.
Do you believe in deja vu?
[/quote]
Why do you ask this?

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Hello Kitos,
You are completely right. I think I shouldn’t write about air pollution in introduction.
In compare with my previous essays, I think that my skill to find the keywords to write essays has quite improved.

Thank you very much.

-Salivan