Essay about sport activities

I would appreciate any comments:
The aim of this essay is to analyze main advantages and disadvantages of televises sport and its impact on live sport activities.
Many people believe that sport events are worth seeing in real only, because in that case you get a unique combination of feelings and thoughts. You are totally involved into the process of a game or a competition, and that seems to be almost impossible in a taped show.
In my opinion it is more pleasant, comfortable and convenient to enjoy televised sport. As we all know, the amount of sport shows on television has increased dramatically. This tendency is closely connected to request of TV subscribers who are eager to watch matches at a flexible time sitting on a cozy sofa and drinking beer or coke. Last, but not least, without buying an expensive ticket. It is interesting, that a lot of sportive and active people prefer to relax and rejoice in front of TV broadcasting sport program, as well as people who normally don’t practice any exercises do.
Now let me focus on another important role of sport programs. Undoubtedly, it influences on a society, but as far as I concerned, in a positive meaning only. Watching beautiful, strong and enthusiastic sportsmen inspires young generation to take care of their health and encourages middle-aged males and females to keep fit. Isn’t that a significant foundation to the sport development?
According to above mentioned arguments, sport shown on television has a lot of benefits and quantity of sport programs might increase dramatically in the nearest future, in my opinion.

TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation between a university student and an adviser in the university’s work-study program

I would appreciate any comments:
The aim of this essay is to analyse THE main advantages and disadvantages of televiseD sport and its impact on live sportS activities.
Many people believe that sport events are worth seeing in realITY only, because in that case you get a unique combination of feelings and thoughts. You are totally involved into the process of a game or a competition, and that seems to be almost impossible in a taped show.
In my opinion it is more pleasant, comfortable and convenient to enjoy televised sport. As we all know, the amount of sport BEING showN on television has increased dramatically. This tendency is closely connected to THE requestS of TV subscribers who are eager to watch matches at a flexible time, sitting on a cozy sofa and drinking beer or coke.

Last, but not least, THEY DO NOT HAVE TO CONSIDER buying an expensive ticket. It is interesting, that a lot of sportY and active people prefer to relax and rejoice in front of TV broadcasting sport program, as well as people who normally don’t practice any exercises AT ALL.
Now let me focus on another important role of sport programs. Undoubtedly, THEY HAVE A GREAT influence on society, but as far as I concerned, in a positive meaning only. Watching beautiful, strong and enthusiastic sportsmen inspires THE youngER generation to take care of their health and encourages middle-aged males and females to keep fit. Isn’t that a significant foundation to the sport development?
According to above mentioned arguments, sport shown on television has a lot of benefits and THE quantity of sport programs might increase dramatically in the near future, in my opinion.
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Hello Bul Bul, although your essay had valid points to make it appears poorly organized.
You really ought to arrange your points in order of importance/merit and write each one to its conclusion. At the end write a conclusion that embraces all of the points that you have made.

Kitos.

Dear Kitos, thank you so much for your thorough checking. Hope my next essay will be better)

:slight_smile: