Please give me some comments. Thanks a lot
Some people think that the amount of noise people make have to be controlled strictly, others say that people are free to make as much as they wish. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
My essay: While some individuals believe that the levels of noise being created should be strictly controlled, I side with the view that people should have a right to produce noise if they want to.
On the one hand, there are two underlying reasons why the government should control the amount of noise produced. The first reason is that too much noise can significantly affect people’s health. For example, living in a place that is too noisy can cause problems such as headaches, which might decrease the health levels of people. Moreover, people can lose their concentration when studying or working in noisy places. For example, a university student will not be able to pay heed to his preparation for exams if his neighbors keep singing too loud.
On the other hand, I agree that people can make as much noise as they want because of two plausible reasons. Firstly, producing noise is sometimes considered a type of recreational activities. For instance, people have a right to do a lot of activities such as singing or cheering for a football club to melt away all the tension and recharge their batteries. Secondly, as the world is becoming more modern, people have found ways to deal with the problem of noise. Especially, scientists have invented walls and windows that can block out the noise, which allows individuals to focus on their work or study without being disturbed. As a result, the problem of noise can be reduced and there is no need for people to keep quiet.
In conclusion, in spite of the problem of noise, I am adamant that people can have a freedom to make noise owing two main reasons.
Hi Thư Bùi, I enjoyed your essay. I like the fact that your writing is clear and direct and effectively guides the reader through your argument. Still, some of your sentence structures seem a bit repetitive, along with your vocabulary. It is tough to come up with other ways to say “make noise”, but you could say make a disturbance or disturb others with their noise, make a racket, be too loud, or use specific examples of noise - playing music too loudly, hosting raucous parties, revving a car or motorcycle engine. The point is to use a variety of expressions. Your body paragraphs are good, but I think your intro and conclusion are too short. Most graders want to see more than one sentence in a paragraph. Also, this is really a three-part prompt. It is best to write two objective paragraphs giving the two different viewpoints and then giving your personal opinion in a third paragraph, which can be combined with the conclusion. Your essay is a bit over 250 words, but especially for this type of prompt that has three parts, I think writing a longer essay will really help to boost your score. Like I said, your grammar and usage are really very good; I was only able to find a few errors: