Could you please review my essay of IELTS writing task 2. What do you think, what band can it get?
The lessons at the early age are very crucial as they reflect over their whole life. Children should learn about how to control ownself and develop a good behaviour. Nevertheless, some parents think participating in organizing group activities would help to be mature and friendly to others that develop a quality of the leadership.
It is important to learn about control ownself from the early age of children which make them more tolerable to others. In this modern world, this characteristic of tolerating must require because it helps to accept different kind of people as friends without what is bad for the current diverse society. In addition, children need to learn to obey and respect the older for good reason and should protest against any kind of abuse activities. Therefore, they should learn how to acquire the good behaviour that help him to be a good man for the society.
On the flip side, some parents think if children participate in organizing group activities in their free time that help them to be a responsible person in future. At the same time, they will develop themselves with good behaviour which can be shown in those activities. Moreover, these activities are the best platforms to show their characters and if they do any wrong then parents have a good chance to correct themsleves by pointing their error. This would work as a practical lesson.
In conclusion, I, myself, believe that it will be best to encourage children to work for arranging group activities because it also serves for learning of occupying oneself.
Hi Ielts, looking at your introduction, it seems that perhaps you did not completely understand the prompt. You have added extra factors such as developing good behaviour and being friendly. None of this has to do with the actual prompt.
The prompt is asking whether parents should schedule a lot of group activities to fill up their children’s spare time, or the parents should just sort of let their children hang out and let the children figure out what to do on their own. So parent one says,
“Sally, I signed you up for the soccer team on Monday, Wednesday,
and Friday and dance lessons on Tuesday and Thursday.” Then parent two says “Sally,
go outside and play.” Do you see the difference? Which parenting style is better? Instead your essay talks about tolerating others, and then obeying their elders and protesting abusive behaviors, without connecting any of these to the prompt.
Your second body paragraph is a little more on target, but you still don’t explicitly show how group activities will develop good behaviour. Because of these issues, I think you would score a 4 on task achievement, which would drag down your total score.
Your C and C performance is pretty good,
maybe 7 level, but your Grammar Accuracy is pretty low - you have a lot small mistakes.
You have a good vocabulary, but you have used some words incorrectly or used the wrong form of the word, which would reduce your LR score. Here are some specific suggestions.
Could you please review my essay . Thanks in Advance
Some argue that children should engage themselves in some activity during their leisure time , while others argue that parents should involve their children in some planned group activities .Though children who occupies themselves learn things quicker and become independent faster compared to other children , I believe getting involved in group activities with other children can increase a child’s social and communication skills which is very important in today’s world .
On the one hand , children who learn to play or occupy themselves grow up to become very independent and creative . They learn to tackle problems on their own from childhood without an adult’s help or supervision . Also a child grown up without siblings are often seen to be playing alone with toys or involving themselves in role-plays which helps improve their creativity . They are also known to be very matured in their thoughts and actions .But as they grow older they tend to become introverts or uncooperative with others. Consider a child who has never taken part in group discussion , sports or any group activities. They become fearful of the crowd,have anxiety issues or simply become less confident to face the public .
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On the other hand , I strongly believe , children who get a lot exposure while participating in group plays or games develop a lot of social skills. They learn to share , communicate and become very jovial . They will learn to adapt to new environments quickly compared to children who play alone .They grow to become good leaders and team managers . Every company these days need candidates who have good interpersonal skills and to survive in today’s world which is very competitive ,parents should encourage their children to participate in many extracurricular or group activities as possible which will help them sharpen their skills right from a young age .
In conclusion , I believe that children should be motivated by parents to mingle and participate in groups functions as this will help them improve their soft skills which is a notable quality that almost all the companies look in a candidate . And with the right upbringing this skill can be honed. And parents who feel that their children are better off playing alone should change their attitude and give more opportunities for children especially for the ones who are the only child in the family