Education Writing Task 2

[Th_Bui]

Please give me some comments. Thanks a lot

Topic: Some students take one year off after finishing school and going to university in order to travel or work. Do you think the advantages outweigh disadvantages
My essay: After graduating from high school, some students have a tendency to get a job or go on a trip before university life. While I accept that there are benefits and drawbacks of this decision, I would agree that it is better to take a gap year to work or travel.
There are two underlying reasons why some students should not find a job or travel straight after school. The main shortcoming is that a number of graduating students may start their professional careers later than their fellows who do not choose to get a job after high school. As a result, they will get promoted later. In addition, traveling costs these students a great deal. If they travel right after high school, they will not have enough money and have to ask their parents for the expense. It is not advisable that people should take this option.
On the other hand, it seems to me that high school seniors should opt for finding a job or taking a trip for a period of time owing to some undeniable advantages. Firstly, when working in many companies, students can have countless opportunities to not only accumulate knowledge and hands-on experience but also nurture soft skills which would help them to get well-paid jobs in an increasingly competitive employment market. In return, these individuals could improve their current living standard. Secondly, only when paying a visit to somewhere, can students broaden their horizon and experience new things such as culture, local cuisine, and historical relics. This fact can be exemplified by American graduating students. According to a survey conducted by Vietnamese erudite experts, about 80% of American students traveling to Vietnam want to experience the new culture of this country and lifestyle of its citizens.
In conclusion, I believe that there are many advantages for young people who start working or traveling prior to beginning their university studies, although this decision has some notable disadvantages.

[Luschen]

Hi Th_Bui, I thought your essay was pretty good, but I think it might be better to voice a stronger opinion for this essay. This type of prompt is not a “give the advantages of both sides along with your opinion”, it is simply an “agree or disagree” prompt.
You have stated that you agree with the gap year, but it is not clear to me why the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages. I think it would be better to explain why the gap year’s advantages are so strong. Here are some additional suggestions:

@Th_Bui

Topic: Some students take one year off after finishing school and [before] going to university in order to travel or work. Do you think the advantages outweigh [the] disadvantages[?]
My essay: After graduating from high school, some students have a tendency{“have a tendency” means they just do this without thinking - “My kids have a tendency to leave their dirty dishes in the sink.”, so it is probably not the best phrase here} to get a job or go on a trip before [beginning their] university life. While I accept that there are benefits and drawbacks of this decision, I would agree that it is better to take a gap year to work or travel.
There are two underlying reasons why some students should not find a job or travel {this sounds like you are saying “should not travel straight after school”} straight after school. The main shortcoming {shortcoming of what? It is a bit unclear to me here} is that a number of graduating students may start their professional careers later than their fellows who do not choose to get a job after high school. As a result, they will get promoted later. {this reason is a little confusing - when you take a gap year, you don’t really “start your career”, you take a temporary job - oh, I guess this is what you are saying, but it still sounds confusing to me. The main point is that they will start school a year later, so focus on that instead} In addition, traveling costs these students a great deal. If they travel right after high school, they will not have enough money [to pay for college] and [will] have to ask their parents [to cover] the expense. [For these reasons,] It is not advisable that people should take this option. {this sentence is too strong - you are actually saying in your thesis that it IS advisable for students to take this option. Maybe instead say that students should be aware of these possible drawbacks before making their decision}
On the other hand, it seems to me that high school seniors should opt for finding a job or taking a trip for a period of time owing to some undeniable advantages. Firstly, when working in [different] companies [during their year off from study], students can have countless opportunities to not only accumulate knowledge and hands-on experience but also nurture soft skills which would help them to get well-paid jobs in an increasingly competitive employment market. In return, these individuals could improve their current living standard. {What do you mean by this? Do you mean they could make and save money working during their gap year? It was a little unclear to me} Secondly, only when paying a visit to somewhere, can students broaden their horizon and experience new things such as culture, local cuisine, and historical relics. This fact can be exemplified by American graduating students. According to a survey conducted by [the] Vietnamese [tourism industry] erudite experts, about 80% of American students traveling to Vietnam want to experience the new culture of this country and lifestyle of its citizens.
In conclusion, I believe that there are many advantages for young people who start working or traveling prior to beginning their university studies[. Although] this decision has some notable disadvantages, [which should be carefully considered, most students will benefit greatly both financially and experientially by taking a gap year before commencing their college education.] {be sure to end on a more positive note, as you are arguing for your side of the viewpoint}