Editing required. "An old woman suffered..."

[Tom]

Hi

Could you please go through the following text and highlight the incorrect and unnatural sentences for me? I have underlined the sentences which I was very unsure of. I am grateful to you for your effort.

Tom

PS: Any suggestion is very welcome.

An old woman suffered from severe alopecia and was left with only three hairs at the back of her head. Although she was a working woman she did not allow herself any hang ups and refused to wear a wig. A few months later there came a wedding ceremony of her sister’s son. She had looked forward to the event for months, and went to the biggest parlour in town to have her hair done as beautifully as possible. She asked the hairdresser to tie her hair into an impressve plait. Although the hairdresser had a lot of experience and tried his best, one of the hairs [color=red](of the woman?) came off into his hands. He explained nervously to the lady that the plait was not possible. Very composed, the lady asked him to tie her hair into a neat bun. Two hairs in hand, the man did his job as meticulously as possible, but again the same accident took place.The man became very confused and expected a big racket as he told the lady of what had happened. Rising elegantly from her chair with a broad smile on her face, the lady spoke, “Never mind, I’d rather go to the occasion with my hair hanging loose on my shoulders.”

She walked out of the parlour.

[MrPedantic]

Hello Tom,

I don’t think there’s much wrong with that at all. Just one or two very minor points:

1. Although she was a working woman she did not allow herself any hang ups

— “Hang-ups” isn’t quite in accord with the general tone of your tale. Perhaps “she didn’t allow herself to worry about it too much”.

2. there came a wedding ceremony of her sister’s son.

— This isn’t quite idiomatic: did you want to try to rephrase it?

3. one of the hairs [color=red](of the woman?) came off into his

— I would omit “of the woman”; “came off in his hands”.

4. expected a big racket as he told the lady of what had happened.

— No need for “of” before “what”. “Big racket” isn’t quite right; maybe “anticipated a big row” would be quite close to your meaning.

All the best,

MrP

[Ralf]

@Dimanofff

What springs to judgement when you pay attention to the words Louis Vuitton?

He was the inventor of the bag of dirt.

If you read the article, you may understand what Jamie wrote here

@Jamie (K)

The Irish took much longer to become fully integrated into American society partly because of these social pathologies, but partly also because more of them chose politics and political patronage as a means of advancement, rather than education and building an economic base. Using ethnic politics to advance in American society is a very emotionally attractive method, but it has been shown to be one of the slowest.

They are often compared to the German-Americans, who arrived at the same time and quietly worked, built businesses, educated their children, and became American in one generation, while many Americans whose ancestors came from Ireland in the 1850s are still waving the Irish flag around, even if they’ve never seen Ireland. They also went through a period of writing a lot of books that exaggerated the Irish role in world history, much as African-Americans do today.

[Tom]

I am grateful MrPedantic.

So would you say the following sentence should be rephrased? If yes, please help me change it.

there came a wedding ceremony of her sister’s son.

— This isn’t quite idiomatic:

Tom

[MrPedantic]

Maintaining the tone of the anecdote, you might say:

“Now it so happened that her sister’s son was about to get married.”

All the best,

MrP

[Tom]

Many thanks, MrPedantic

Could you please tell me now if the red sentence fits the rest of the story. By the way, can I also say: [color=red]A few months later her sister’s son got married.

An old woman suffered from severe alopecia and was left with only three hairs at the back of her head. Although she was a working woman she did not allow herself any hang ups and refused to wear a wig. [color=red]A few months later her sister’s son was about to get married. She had looked forward to the event for months, and went to the biggest parlour in town to have her hair done as beautifully as possible. She asked the hairdresser to tie her hair into an impressve plait.

Tom

[MrPedantic]

@Tom

A few months later her sister’s son was about to get married

Yes, I think that’s fine. I prefer it to my version.

@Tom

Could you please tell me now if the red sentence fits the rest of the story. By the way, can I also say: [color=red]A few months later her sister’s son got married.

I would say yes. Some people might not like this sequence of tenses:

1. he got married
2. she had looked forward
3. she asked the hairdresser

since #2 and #3 would naturally precede #1. But in fact it isn’t unusual in a narrative of this kind.

Best wishes,

MrP

[Tom]

Again a huge thankyou to you, MrPedantic.

…but my understanding with about to is a bit different, which is why I also posted the simple past tense: her sister’s son got married.

It was [color=red]about to rain so [color=red]I went to the shop and bought candles. (It’s hadn’t rained yet)
He was [color=red]about to retire in a few months so [color=red]I decided to cancel the scheme. (He hadn’t retired yet)

So,

A few months later her sister’s son was [color=red]about to get married. She had looked forward to the event for months, and [color=red]went to the biggest parlour in town to have her hair done as beautifully as possible

Doesn’t it sound like he was yet to get married or the woman went to the parlour months before the marriage ceremony?

I am sorry for the incoherent thoughts.

Tom

[MrPedantic]

No, that sounds fine to me! I would infer this sequence of events:

1. [Several months ago] Her sister’s son decides to get married.
2. [Several months ago] She begins to look forward to the event.
3. [Now] Her sister’s son will soon be getting married (is about to get married)
4. [Now] She goes to the hairdresser’s.

There is some slight awkwardness in the double mention of “months”. You could avoid it by saying e.g.

“A few months later her sister’s son was about to get married. She had looked forward to the event ever since he had first announced his engagement, and went…”

Post again if it’s still unclear, though – the use of idioms such as “about to do X” is quite difficult, and I may have explained myself badly!

All the best,

MrP