Complaint Email [Help to correct]

Hi everybody,

I have written a Complaint Email for a serious problem of my Laptop when I purchased it from Apple Corporation. The email structure is ok as I think, but the grammar or sentence structure is somehow not perfect as I think. Could everybody please help me to correct it? The email is below. I appreciated all of your help to my problem.

Thank you
Kim Sa

From: Nguyen Van Anannd09@yahoo.com
To: Customer Service customerservice@store.apple.com.vn
Sent: October 23, 2010 10:24 AM
Subject: Re: (Laptop Apple MACBOOK PRO 13.3-Inch)

October 23, 2010

On September 23, I ordered a laptop names Apple MACBOOK PRO 13.3-Inch (order #MC374LL/A). The laptop was ordered from Apple Store Vietnam Web site.

On October 22, I received from your shipper a laptop with the same features as I requested. Unfortunately, when I opened the laptop for the first time using, the drive didn’t work and the LCD screen was very dark which randomly turned off even I didn’t press the power button. I am disappointed because of these problems.

To resolve the problems, I would appreciate your exchange the laptop to another one as the same feature. If you cannot replace the laptop by October 31, please give me a refund.

I attached the shipping form of the laptop. Please contact me at the e-mail address or phone number below.

Sincerely,

Nguyen Van An
411 Phan Van Tri, Ward 1, Go Vap District, Hochiminh City
Tel: 01268268434
Email: dungtri@yahoo.com

Hello Kim Sa,
Here is my suggestion:

On September 23, I ordered an Apple MACBOOK PRO 13.3-Inch (order #MC374LL/A). The laptop was ordered from the Apple Store Vietnam Web site. [color=green](insert the URL)

On October 22, I received from your shipper a laptop with the same features as I requested the correct model from you. Unfortunately, when I opened the laptop for the first time using, the drive [color=green](which one?) didn’t work and the LCD screen was very dark. The screen also turned off at random times even I didn’t press the power button for no apparent reason [color=green](I am assuming that you have checked the power saving options aren’t set to dim/turn off the screen after a certain period of idleness?). I am disappointed because of these problems These problems mean that the machine is not fit for purpose.

To resolve the problems, I would appreciate it if you would exchange the laptop for another one with the same specifications. If you cannot replace the laptop by October 31, please make arrangements to collect the device and give me a full refund.

I have attached the shipping form for the laptop. Please contact me at the e-mail address or phone number below at the earliest possible opportunity to discuss a resolution to this problem.

Thank you very much Mr. Beeesneees. The drive of video card didn’t work, so that the LCD screen didn’t view as its good condition. At the limit time, the screen completely turn off. But it is ok now. Thank Mr. Beeesneees.