can you please help me to revise my essay (independent writing) #2

[Saeed7]

I was wondering if you could give some ideas about my essay, so I can improve it next time. I am willing to hear from you.
Thank you in advance.

Question: Do you agree or disagree with following statement: Childhood is the happiest time of a person’s life. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

Here is my essay:

I totally agree with the statement. Childhood is the happiest time of life; at least until now I have had the best part of my life in those ages. Not having any serious responsibility, Not being worried about the future, and experiencing new things are the most important factor which makes childhood special for me.

When we are child no one expects us to do something serious because we are just a child and we are not supposed to have sense of responsibilities. For example, while we are on the trip, all we do is playing and having fun. Our parents do not complain about us having fun. Also we do not get worried about hotel reservation or which places are better to go, etc.

As a child, we are not worried about the future or the economical issues. That is a usual characteristic of a child to not be able to analyze such complicated problems. I think it is a privilege in our childhood because we do not get stressed out and we live in the present and try to make the best out of it. When we become older we are almost concerned about future.

Experiencing new things will make daily life as a child much more interesting than life in older ages. Children are almost curious, which makes them to have a lot of question in their minds. Finding solution to those questions is immensely joyful to them. Also children experience new feelings which is exciting.

In conclusion, I have to admit that childhood is the happiest time of life. As a child you do not worry about responsibility, and also you are not stressed out about the future. Besides, you experience new things in life, which causes great feelings.

TOEFL listening lectures: A lecture in social science class

[Luschen]

Hi, I thought your essay was pretty good. You have the correct structure, except I did not like that opening sentence. Your vocabulary is a little basic and you have some word usage problems. You also have a few grammatical mistakes. Your essay is also a little too brief. Overall, I would rate it a 3.5 out of 5.

@Saeed7

I was wondering if you could give some ideas about my essay, so I can improve it next time. I am willing to hear from you.
Thank you in advance.

Question: Do you agree or disagree with following statement: Childhood is the happiest time of a person’s life. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

Here is my essay:

I totally agree with the statement.{this is not a good first sentence - restate the prompt in you own words, but save it for your thesis statement at the end of your introduction} Childhood is the happiest time of life; at least until now I have had the best part of my life in those ages{“at that age”}. Not having any serious responsibility, Not{no caps} being worried about the future, and experiencing new things are the most important factor[s ] which makes childhood special for me. [This is a good thesis]

When we are child[ren] no one expects us to do something serious because we are just a child[ren] and we are not supposed to have sense of responsibilit[y ]. For example, while we are on the[a] trip, all we do is playing and hav[e ] fun. Our parents do not complain about us having fun. Also we do not get worried about hotel reservation[s ] or which places are better to go, etc. {do not use contractions, say “and so on”}

As a child, we are not worried about the future or the economical issues. That is a usual characteristic of a child to not be able to analyze such complicated problems. I think it is a privilege in[of] our childhood because we do not get stressed out and we live in the present and try to make the best out of it. {this reminds me of one of my favorite movies - Fandango - the lead character is a student who has just graduated from college and goes on an adventurous road trip. Whenever he gets into trouble and shirks his responsibilities he says “it’s the privilege of youth!”}When we become older we are almost [always] concerned about [the] future.

Experiencing new things will make{future tense seems odd here} daily life as a child much more interesting than life in older ages. Children are almost curious, which makes them to have a lot of question[s ] in their minds. Finding [a] solution to those questions is immensely joyful to them. Also children experience new feelings[,] which is exciting.

In conclusion, I have to admit {“have to admit” is something you would say when you are contradicting your belief in the face of conflicting evidence - not really appropriate here} that childhood is the happiest time of life. As a child you do not worry about responsibility, and also you are not stressed out about the future. Besides, you experience new things in life, which causes great feelings.{“great feelings” sounds odd and unclear}

TOEFL listening lectures: A lecture in social science class

[Saeed7]

Thank you for the revise. It is very kind of you.
I’ll try to make my weak points stronger. Also I’ll try to use more nice sentences from movies next time