Can "have qualified for admission to secondary schools" replace the text in bold for the better?


#1

Out of 39,762 Primary 6 students who sat for the Primary School Leaving Examination (PSLE) this year, 98.4 per cent have qualified for secondary school.

Would “have qualified for admission to secondary schools” replace the text in bold for the better?

Thanks.


#2

Your revision is fine but I don’t think it is an improvement. It does not seem to provide any additional information and so is less concise. That’s just my personal opinion though; I prefer straightforward language.