ATM cash problem

English as a Second Language English Vocabulary, Grammar and Idioms
1

Dear moderators,
I would be grateful to you if you could point out the grammar mistakes, and modify my complaint letter below in a short, formal and effective way (using advanced banking related words).
Thank you very much.

Subject: ATM CARD WITHDRAWAL PROBLEM

Respected sir,
I would like to report to you that I tried to withdraw NRs 500/- from your ATM on 6th Oct. 2012 at 19:27 but I didn’t get the requested amount, the machine said " SORRY THE SYSTEM IS DOWN. TRY AGAIN LATER." So I left but after 5 minutes or so I received a SMS from the bank from which I knew that NRs 500/- was deducted from my a/c: 00XXXXXXXXX.
Since I have not received the money how could it be so? Please take the necessary steps to correct this technical error/default or whatever immediately. I would be grateful to you if you could restore my balance to my previous state. (Thank you very much for your timely action on this issue/ ATM problem.) * is this last sentence necessary? If yes please modify it too in a more formal style.

Sincerely Yours
Noren
My card details:
A/c Name:xxxxxxxxxxxxx
A/c No. : xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Card No. : xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
EXP: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Please note: “my bank’s ATM booth not other ATMs.”

2

Dear Sir,

Re: ATM Cash Withdrawal Error

At 19:27 on 6th October, 2012, I tried to withdraw NRs 500/- from your ATM situated outside your bank at/in but instead of providing the cash, the machine returned the error message, “Sorry the system is down. Try again later.” Having read this message I left, but after approximately 5 minutes I received a SMS from the bank informing me that NRs 500/- had been deducted from my account: 00XXXXXXXXX.

As the withdrawal did not complete, please would you investigate this incident, then take the necessary steps to correct this technical error and restore my balance to the correct amount by crediting the NRs 500/- back into the account.

Thank you in anticipation of your prompt intervention in this matter. I look forward to hearing from you as a matter of urgency.

Yours faithfully,
Noren Limbu.

My card details:
A/c Name:xxxxxxxxx
A/c No. : xxxxxxxxxxx
Card No. : xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
EXP: xxxxxxxx

3

I’ve edited out all aspects of your bank details from the original message. Although you disguised much of it, I think it’s more prudent to remove the lot!

4

Dear Beees,
Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart for your kind help.

5

Dear Beees,
Thanks a lot to you once again. Is my written English understandable and makes sense? I have been a member of this Forum for the last 4 years. And, I feel that I have improved my English a lot. Please could you honestly evaluate my English. Thank you very much.