I would be grate full to correct my essay for TOEFL Independednt Some people think that athletes and entertainers should become politicians, while other people think that athletes and entertainers should not be involved in politics, which do you prefer and why?
In the modern era politics and other things that derived from it is of great importance due to the high influence of politicians on societies. There are various perspective toward this issue some people might believe that entertainers and athletes should get involved in politics others maintain that we should leave politics only for politicians. I personally concur with the later perspective. From my vantage point, athletes and entertainers should avoid from politics because of its complexity and all harmful consequence which may be resulted from political activities. In the following paragraphs, three conspicuous reasons will cogently elucidate my perspective.
The first exquisite point coming to mind at first is that politics are prone to lots of dirty jobs and we know that lots of politicians act in such ways which is not proper, nevertheless they have to. To shed light on this matter, I want to mention an example that one of the best soccer player of our country after his glorious achievements in sport decided to join for parliament, but because of his advocacy for negative and undesirable political groups he lost his position in the society and never would take it again. But we can observe their zeal for better achievements or other things like financial matters lead them to follow this wrong approach.
Another equally noteworthy point in corroborating my stance is that politics are really complex and in the new modern era with all these complex relations and interactions anyone who wants to join to this complexity should study politic at university or get information about it on his own. It goes without saying that lots of athletes and entertainers does not have such information and they are vulnerable to harsh conditions of political atmosphere.
And the last but not the least reason justifying the claim is the noteworthy refreshingly intelligible statistics, revealed by a recent research conducted by a number of scientists in John Hopkins University, indicate that 87% of entertainers who joined to political activities lose their specialty in their own job. Because first of all they are known by people due to their significant performance on the entertaining programs but after that they attended to political activities they never be successful neither in politics nor in the former specialty, hence they lose the former fame they had.
To make a long story short, all the aforementioned reasons and example lead us to conclusion that it would be far better for athletes and entertainers to stay away from politics, albeit some exceptional ones may arise and succeed. But that was the story in a nutshell; actually there are some other reasons and examples, cogently buttressing the argument, which are not mentioned above. All in all it is highly recommended that leave the politics for politicians and do not encourage other famous people attend to politics and engender frictions for them.
Hi Bestway, welcome to the forum. I think your writing is not bad, but to me it sounds too much like you memorized some overly wordy sentences that you probably include in every essay - like “Another equally noteworthy point in corroborating my stance” They seem a bit too flowery and the official grader may think you are using some kind of template and frown upon it. I would try to focus more on examples. You used a good example in your first body paragraph, but the exact point you were trying to make with it was not that clear to me. Your second body paragraph didn’t include an example and your final one was not that convincing to me. Still, your writing was clear and addressed the topic correctly - overall I would rate this a 3.5 out of 5.
Mr. Luschen I’m really appreciated for your comments and it helped me alot.
yes I use a template because I heard that it would not harm my grade and maybe using those templates will increase it too. Do you really think using them with those officially words may adversely affect my grade and I am required to use just simple words like ‘important’ and so forth? Also I used this template in many essays and now should I changed all of them ?
thanks again for your contribution .
Hi Bestway, I think it is fine to memorize complex words and phrases, but it defeats the purpose if you do not use them correctly in context. Also, I think being excessively wordy just for the sake of increasing your word count could backfire on you. The graders would like to see some challenging vocabulary, but they also value conciseness, so saying “The first exquisite point coming to mind at first” or “And the last but not the least reason justifying the claim is the noteworthy refreshingly intelligible” are not the best I think. Saying your point is “exquisite” or “refreshingly intelligible” just sounds odd to me. Complex vocabulary should provide clarity, not obfuscate your ideas.