Agree or not: Only people who earn a lot of money are successful?

[Ukchoe]

Hi Mr Luschen. Here is my new essay. This essay made a lot of repetition errors. Would you mind correcting it and find a substitute for me? Thank you in advance. I wish you have a nice day, Mr. Luschen:)

                                            WORK

If people want a high standard of living, they need to earn money. However, earning a lot of money doesn’t mean that people have a good life . For this reason, I strongly disagree with the statement that only people who earn a lot of money is successful.

First, the components of success include not only earning money but also raising family and winning a lot of good friends. Some people get an high-paid job with a remarkable salary and think that they have already been successful. After that, they change their behavior, deliver an ignorance attitude to family and friends because they don’t have time to take care of their family. Gradually, they will be set aside to only live with their money, talk with money and have a dinner with money too. For this reason, those people are definitely not successful without family and friends

Second, people’s success depends on how they spend and enjoy their money. Some people donate money for charity, use money to travel all around the world or simply spend money hanging out with their relatives to exchange for brand new and exciting moments. As a result, they will feel that they are successful because they are satisfied with their life. On the other hand, other people keep working and working to earn more money and do not have enough time to reap the fruit of their labour so they will become exhausted and fed up with their life.

Third, earning money involving illegal activities is not success. For example, imagine that you are a drug dealer. Even though you earn a lot of money but you are not successful because once you get caught , you must to spend the rest of your life in prison. As a result, you will let your relatives and friends down and will be treated disrespectfully by their society.

In conclusion, as I discussed above, I don’t think that earning a lot of money prove one’s success

TOEFL listening lectures: A university lecture by a professor of American History

[Luschen]

Hi, I thought you did a pretty good job with this essay. I tried to substitute some synonyms for “earn money”. Your essay was clear and convincing. I think your arguments were good and your examples were effective at supporting them. You did have some mistakes here and there and a few awkward sounding phrases, plus you conclusion was a little brief. Overall, I would rate this a 4 out of 5.

@Ukchoe

Hi Mr Luschen. Here is my new essay. This essay made a lot of repetition errors. Would you mind correcting it and find a substitute for me? Thank you in advance. I wish[hope] you have a nice day, Mr. Luschen:)

                                            WORK

If people want a high standard of living, they need to earn money. However, earning a lot of money [pulling down a large income] doesn’t [necessarily] mean that people have a good life . For this reason, I strongly disagree with the statement that only people who [have large salaries are] earn a lot of money is successful.

First, the components of success include not only earning[making] money but also raising [a ]family and winning{“winning” sounds odd in this context} a lot of good friends. Some people get an high-paid job with a remarkable salary and think that they have already been successful.{“are already successful”, or better, “they have already achieved success”} After that, they change their behavior, deliver[ing] an ignoran[t ] attitude to family and friends {this phrase is unclear to me - what is an ignorant attitude?} because they don’t have time to take care of their family. Gradually, they will be set aside {“set aside” is a little unclear here - what do you mean?} to only live with their money, talk with [their] money and have a dinner with [their] money too. {I really like the last part of this sentence!} For this reason, those people are definitely not successful without family and friends

Second, people’s success depends [more] on how they spend and enjoy their money. Some people donate money for{“to” is better} charity, use money to travel all around the world or simply spend money hanging out with their relatives to exchange for brand new {I guess you are comparing it to a product, but “brand new” doesn’t really work here - maybe “memorable”} and exciting moments. As a result, they will feel that they are successful because they are satisfied with their li[ves]. On the other hand, other people keep working and working to earn more money and do not have enough time to reap the fruit of their labour so they will become exhausted and fed up with their li[ves].

Third, [methods of making a living] earning money involving illegal activities is not success. {actually “Third, making a living though illegal activities …” sounds better} For example, imagine that you are a drug dealer. Even though you earn a lot of money but {don’t use both “Even though” and “but”} you are not successful because once you get caught , you must to spend the rest of your life in prison. As a result, you will let your relatives and friends down and will be treated disrespectfully by their {who is “their”? your relatives and friends’ society? a little unclear} society.

In conclusion, as I discussed above, I don’t {avoid contractions} think that earning a lot of money [raking in the big bucks] prove[s ] one’s success {your conclusion was a little scanty}

TOEFL listening lectures: A university lecture by a professor of American History